Let go

That moment when it all ends....you realize that it ended a long time ago....feels like you never knew each other.....the distance, inevitable.....

And you slowly learn to let go..

Its been a long time.....

Hello world.....how have you been?.....Sorry, I haven't visited in a while....but u know how life is....its hectic....the last 2 years have been tough...you have been there for me though....you never let me down...you allowed me to vent to you...cry while venting to you....you allowed me to smile.....smile while going over the many memories that we have together.....i'm back now....i didn't mean to disappear on u....I just wanted to let you know that I'm finding myself again....it's going to take some time but please let me make it up to you....I'm getting over some people and have a new job now....I needed the change in my life especially with the job situation....for right now, i'm going to ignore my personal life....I'm going to consume myself with the new job....and you....I need you more than ever now....Please don't turn your back on me.....please let your words flow through me like the River Nile....i can't keep blaming writer's block for my lack of attention to you....its just that....its like i fell out of love for a minute there.....i thought there was something better than you to make me happy, ease my heart.....but you are my 1 true love.....I know that now.....I know its been a long time but can you please give me another chance?

and it was all a dream.....

Who cares if we know each others last names.....all that matters is that we are both happy.....why put emphasis on names, people and appearances.....just me and you...we could make this world go round.....no need to call Tyrone....its just me and you....living in the lap of luxury....luxury of laughter, music and books....nothing better than being nerdy....days in with stars wars on the screen.....nights out with our favorite music riding around the city enjoyin the beautiful scenery that is us......
in the middle of it all, i wake up.....i was just napping on the couch.....
and it was all a dream.....

5 issues.

1) I'm falling apart....
2) I applied for a teaching program in Japan cause for some reason I can't get a job in the DFW.
3) Bought the GRE stuff....its been almost 3 years since i graduated college....its time for grad school if nothing else is going to happen in my life
4) My current job is ......uggghhhhhh.....
5) I need to escape....hopefully, Japan will be the answer!

And now i wonder if i'm doing too much......or too little!!!!!

Untitled!

I find myself doing things I don't care to do......I just do them out of obligation.....and I never thought that i would get to this point.....I'm smiling when inside I'm breaking down.....and I'm trying to hide it.....but lately, I'm unraveling easily.....the time has come.....time to let go of the baggage.....one step at a time.....

Yikes!

People are not who you think they are.....they are who they want to be....and as much as you hope their feelings for you won't change, you realize that emotions are fleeting.....and your feelings for them change over night....
I feel like that about two of the most important people in my life....sad, isn't it?
Shut down mode has commenced.......

I came, I saw....and on my way to conquer it all

Writers Block is a bitch!
Sooner or later, everything comes crashing down...and most of the time, no one is there to save you but yourself....
So i'm not waiting for anyone to save me this time.....I"m trying to save myself....
And then i realize that as many people as i have around me that love and care for me, I am still alone....
There is a void that needs to be filled within me....no one can fill it...i've been feeling like this for the past year but never expressed.....
Something has to give....what it is, I have no idea....
I can't wait for happiness to find me anymore.....I have to find it sometime soon....
I am at a crossroads.....a breaking point....
I realize that I'm always there for people but most of the time, that feeling is never reciprocated...
I am going to run away 1 day, away from all things trivial......
Please don't dare to search from me....
Writers block is still a bitch!

Everytime is like the first time

wondering when all of this will be over.....i only want to be around 1 person right now.....but i can't find him....i lost him somewhere in between my words and thoughts....and it all feels like he never existed....like it was all a dream....time has always been our enemy.....and so has distance....its funny how love can overpower all of that.....but the word is true.....distance does make the heart grow fonder....so i'm still searching for him.....i find him somewhere in between my words and thoughts....and he eases my soul....so gently....just the words do it...."everytime is like the first time".....

My imperfection.....

Over the past month, my emotions have been everywhere.....I feel like with everything that i have been doing, i'm losing....i'm fighting for what is important to me but sabotaging it at the same time...does that even make sense?....i'm hurting 1 of the most important people in my life....i'm shutting down to others.....everything seems to bother me....and i really can't figure out why....i haven't been writing....i've been blaming it on writer's block but now i'm wondering if i have lost the passion for it....i've been complaining a lot....and i don't like it....i've been drinking a lot....and i despise that as well....cause it makes me emotional....and i start picking fights....i can't seem to relax....i just want to be able to go with the flow....so i decided today that i'm not going to drink for a while....giving up drinking for lent and maybe even longer.....what scares me the most is pushing away the people that love me.....the people that i love.....the people that i need.....i don't want to be like my father.....and after certain things that i said in my emotional drunkness this past weekend, i have realized that it isn't worth it....the drinking isn't and neither is my father....and to be honest, i'm tired of blaming shit on him....i have to take responsibility for my actions and my words....i don't like hurting people....and i don't like to be hurt....eventhough, it is all a process of life.....im tired of something so painful happening @ the very beginning of the year....last year, it was my aunt....this year, it was Sewit.....i know that Sewit's death effected me more than my aunt's did....maybe it was her age....or the fact that i saw her grow up.....but things happen for a reason....and i'm tired of losing.....i don't want to lose the people i love....i miss my babe so much....and it kills me inside that i've been hurting him....and hurting myself as well....its funny, he is 1 of the few people who sees my potential....even when i can't see it myself....i know my potential but i get easily discouraged when obstacles happen.....the past bothers me....especially my dad....i don't want to leave my family like my dad did....and i don't want to hurt someone they way he hurt us.....i'm stuck in this place.....but i feel myself getting out.....it feels so much better when i cry sometimes.....even better when i write it cause it helps me accept it and move on from it.....i love my sister but i'm ready to live by myself....she tells me i'm selfish...which i am sometimes....but she stresses out too much about her tests and when i try to calm her down, i'm either being selfish...or i don't understand....or i'm stressing her out.....and then i shut down....gosh, i miss this....just venting like this....just being able to write it down....i am not perfect....nowhere near it....i'm thankful for the one's who love me and accept me for who i am....i'm thankful that i have a college degree (even though i'm not using it right now, lol)....i'm thankful being able to do this....being able to write....and explain myself to myself....weird!!!