First time, Last time....

the first time i fell in love was at a concert....didn't know it....if i did, i didn't accept it....didn't want to appreciate it....i wanted to lose it.....figured it wasn't for me....it never had been....why would this time be different....simply exceptional, he was.....he is what i have wanted....what i have dreamed of....but dreams are just reality's nightmares....and everything that has a beginning has an end....so fear has me pulling me back....i will lose this battle....but hopefully win the war....his words, melodic.....his touch, erotic....his sound, exotic....the first time i fell in love was at a concert....wonder if it will be the last.

Routine

in a room full of people, you are still alone....loneliness becomes routine.....and realizing that you have never had anyone around will make u accept all your bad habits....smoking, drinking, cheating, lying.....one sin is no less than the other....but you are human.....you ask for forgiveness everynight....but routine catches up to you the next morning....you just hope that this day is not your last cause routine has done her due diligence....some people are for a season.....that season could make or break your habits.....that person could love you forever or hate you till death....which one do you choose?....the plethora of people you love in your lifetime....you fall in and out of love everyday....you are heartbroken....you leave another heartbroken....and still hope for forgiveness....its your routine....and when do you break this routine?.....only time will tell.....or only you can get tired of it.....which one do you choose.....both will leave you heartbroken.....but like everything else in life, change is the only constant....so while you break one routine, you will adapt to another.....until that one catches up to you.....and you are lost in the cycle.....the cycle of routine.

Pissed.....

Its funny how the people you love the most can bring out the best and worst of you in a matter of seconds....suddenly, the world revolves around them and the laughs you guys shared a couple of minutes ago is nothing but a distant memory....which one of you will say their mind? which one will back down? which one is right? which one is wrong? at this point, it doesn't matter to me.....i feel like shit....

"in most of your talking, thinking is half-murdered"- Khalil Gibran

Sometimes I wonder if people are offended by my bluntness...if they are, I am sorry...but most of the time i could careless...I inhertied the gene from my mother who believes that speaking your mind is the key to survival...and since this world is based on survival of the fittest, I continue to speak my mind...I have no intention to fit in, I have every intention to stand out...I am who i am and not who they want me to be...They want me to be like them....but they don't even realize what them stands for...if its so hard to accept me, then let me be...Stop mistaking my bluntness for rudeness...Do understand it as my truth...You should try accepting it as your truth as well...But since its very evident that my truth hurts, please continue to ignore it...Cause I continue to pay you no mind...Since I am who I am and not who you want me to be...Persuade yourself to believe that you are better than me since you fit in ...And while you carry conversations about how rude i am, let my bluntness remind you that "in most of your talking, thinking is half-murdered."

I want to be like....

I want to be like Frost so I can take the road less travelled
in the hopes of finding myself
cause with every year that comes around
I lose myself in the year that passed me by
I want to be like Emerson so I can take the road of self-reliance
in the hopes of losing dependence
cause with every sip of alcohol I take
I lose myself in the year that passed him by
You see, I would rather be like Frost and Emerson
cause I fear that someday i will become like him
Lately it seems that fatherhood is a road less travelled by many men
refusing to become self-reliant and depending on women to raise their sons
forgetting what part they played 9 months ago to create a child
a child that will bear their last name but will never know them
So i choose to have my name changed to Feven Frost Emerson
cause the one I have right now brings back bitter memories
I'm tired of being tied down to a hopeless name
So i choose to take the road less travelled and find self-reliance along the way.

Khalil Gibran

You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts; And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a past time. And in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered.

-Khalil Gibran

Overwhelm me!

Cause you overwhelm me
I need to care less
want to be careless
but you won't allow it
so i continue to care more
Cause you overwhelm me
go to sleep inspired
wake up discouraged
Cause you overwhelm me
something is always missing
need to solve the puzzle
but where are all the pieces?
Cause you overwhelm me
waiting for all the pieces to come to place

Untitled

It's that feeling you have when you know it's over.....eventhough you don't want it to end.....wishing you could turn back the hands of time.....but you can't work against the forces of nature.....so you just let go....realize how tired you have become from trying to pull.....accept that you are lonely....wonder if it will be like this forever....imagine what it would be like if you had someone.....but you have nothing to compare it to......cause you have never had anyone....you have always been alone.....maybe you are meant to be alone.....start wondering if there is something wrong with you....and you realize that there is....the problem is THEM.

My Sweet Love

One of my friends' happens to be a hip-hop artist/producer who goes by HashBrown....did a song called Love Supreme after sampling Anita Baker's "Sweet Love"....i heard the sample and go inspired.....the results of my inspiration are as follows....ENJOY!


I love hip-hop cause she is so simple and pure
but still intricate as ever
she knows me like no other
was there for me when rock bottom was all i could see
was down for me when i wasn't down for myself
however i'm not down for hip hop's new age
cause her value has been lost
in the search for money and power
eventhough HashBrown, The Council and T.H.E.M remind me of her finest hour
flashy words don't make me falter
so while dudes are trying to make money off her
i'm wanting to get high off her
i'm lost without her
and she is not the same without me
like Common said "i used to love h.e.r"
funny thiing is, i still do
she is still MY SWEET LOVE

Failure!

I hate failing....
but i guess it's a process of life...
so i'm always down for a second try.

My intro to my late 20's

I had a great bday....had a good time with all my peeps....too much drinking involved as usual....thursday had a girls night....friday had a great time @ dave and busters....recieved a couple of sentimental presents....which reminded me of how long i've known some of the people who were there last night...felt lots of love....saturday recieved a bouquet of flowers from a special someone that made me smile all day....unexpected i might add....whole point of the blog being that i had a good time....felt loved....a couple of people that are important to me were missing.....not by choice....just cause of distance.....anyways this is my way of saying thank you for another wonderful birthday to my family and friends.....the lord willing ill be turning 27 in exactly a year....and you will have to read one of these all over again....
Ciao...

Tonight's Feel (Expanded)

Late Night Conversations
Early Morning Rendezvous
Showers filled with Passion
Kisses filled with Lust
That lead to more than just kisses
Imagination running Wild
I Love, You Love
We Love
Kiss Me, Hold Me, Touch Me
Make Me Yours Tonight
Tonight's Feel
Tonight's Feel should be everlasting
Tonight's Feel should be every day's feel
Tonight's Feel is You and Me......becoming us
Tonight's Feel.

Living in Confusion

Living in confusion.......wishing things would be different....praying that my wishes come true...i wonder why they won't....am i not believing in us hard enough?.....or is it that you are preoccupied with someone else?.....i would rather it be the first not the latter but as usual luck is not on my side....so the latter it is.....i have waited long enough.....and i continue to wait....but there are no answers....just me in limbo waiting for some dramatic climax in our story as if we are in a novel.....but this is real life.....and either way i'm still stuck....so are you....wondering which one of us is going to let go first.....but we are hooked to each other.....we make it harder to let go when it should be so simple....its a neverending cycle.....what we have is unexplainable.....we choose not to define it.....but how can you define something that is forbidden.....you have someone else and I.....well I have noone.....he's just not that into me is what i tell myself.....but why won't i heed my own advice?......if i knew that answer, i wouldn't be writing this.......and if i didn't write this, you would never know.....I have come to accept that you and I will someday be.....that someday obviously is not today.....so i have to let you fly away as if you were a bird.....praying you will come back to me as if you were an angel sent from above.....but until that day comes, it's you and I just living in confusion.....

25 things to know about FevO that you did/didn't know

Got this idea from facebook and decided to put it on here......this is who i am....love me or leave me alone

1) I didn't learn a lot while in college, most of what i learned came from wikipedia.org (thanks go out to the genius who created it)
2) I love sci-fi movies
3) I love everything that has to do with History....especially North African and Middle Eastern.
4) For being a history major, i don't know a lot about Texas History.
5) I really want to teach in Japan.
6) The three times you should do as i say....when i'm sleepy, hungry and need to pee....please do not bother me, don't talk to me, just do as i say and all will be good.
7) I have been the U.S for 9 yrs.
8) I've lived in 2 African countries and the Middle East.
9) I speak proper English, i have an accent....i don't like it when people point these 2 things out......not that it makes me uncomfortable....just cause i want to say "ignorance is bliss"....but that would offend people so i just keep shut....usually...but then not.
10) I don't think i'll ever get married...if i do....i will be in my 30's.
11) I hate needles...i can't look @ the needle before, during or after getting a shot...i have no idea how i got my ears pierced 5 times
12) With that being said, i want to get my nose pierced badly...but mommy dearest would not be happy
13) I do watch the history channel
14) To a certain extent, i believe love is overrated
15) With that being said, I don't remember the last time i was in a relationship....matter of fact, never been in one....
15) My sis and me have been inseperable since she was born.
16) If i knew that i could definitely make a living out of writing that is exactly what i would do for the rest of my life
17) Besides teaching in Japan for a year, I want to make any city in Europe my permanent residence....preferably London or Amsterdam...
18) I used to be such a Party Animal....
19) I worry a lot about the people i love.....I worry a lot about things or people i can't change
20) I'm a sensitive soul....i take things personally....
21) I pray to God that when i do get married that it will the one and only time
22) With that being said, i pray to God that my bridesmaids throw me the greatest bachelorette party in the world....hint, hint ladies, you know who you are
23) I have been told that I'm too strong, too rude and too blunt for a man...been told i need a man to calm me down....the day that happens, hell must have broken loose.
24) I have a gained a greater appreciation for music over the past year or two
25) Some day, I will marry LUPE FIASCO........Until then, i will jam to him in the car and on the ipod constantly

Aging Gracefully

My 26th birthday is slowly approaching thus I'm going to be officially in my late 20s once Feb. 5th rolls around in exactly a week....i have no idea what i'm doing for my bday but thats besides the point of this blog.....i'm aging gracefully i must say....at least i think i am......anyway, the last couple of days have me reflecting on this past year.....and the past couple of birthdays......i was wasted for my 23rd, on a diet for my 24th and @ work on my 25th....my 25th was actually on Mardi Gras......besides the point, reflection is very much the key to life....
Since the time i was 7, my father has been missing from my birthdays......I realized that today actually...i had forgotten that he ever existed.....R.I.P......his absence has played a major impact on my life when it comes to my views of men and relationships.....i definitely have pushed many men away.....some deserved it while others deserved a chance.....the fact that im turning 26 and have never been in a serious relationship has been haunting me.....i really don't think there is anything wrong with me.......but i guess there is......i think im pretty attractive......
With all that being said, i do enjoy being single....i really do....i think the fact that everyone around me is getting engaged and married is freaking me out.....peer pressure is a bitch......i don't just want a boyfriend for the sake of having one.....i want the whole package.....but you have to be careful what you wish for....and i just don't want to share him with anyone.....hopefully thats not much to ask for....
I just want to continue aging gracefully...