Forever summer...

it's the smile on our face that i see every morning when i wake up....eventhough you are not beside me.....and i wonder....i wonder if you will come back to me.....never knowing if you were ever here......waiting for daylight to reveal itself.....maybe you will make an appearance along with it....or maybe not....but again your smile reminds me of my summers from years past.....hopefully i can remember it for my many summer's to come....living a constant dream....those summers.....when i wanted it to remain forever summer.....can i have them back?......will they bring you along?......so many questions.....not enough time for answers......so as usual, i keep on dreaming......waiting for my questions to be answered......wonder if they ever will.......until then, forever summer........

Loner

socially awkward....
i have become a loner.....and sometimes its great but sometimes.....
sometimes when i'm by myself....i think too much
too many memories from my past...
remember all my wrong doings.....
i start thinking about my present....how i would love to change it...
but i can't....things are easier said than done...
there is always something holding me back....
and my future......i don't know what it holds for me....
i'm tired of loving people.....knowing that in the end.....it will hurt
but the people that love you are not supposed to hurt you....
yeah right.....tell that to my dad.....
in a room full of people, i'm still the oddest one...
and i accept it....
socially awkward...

Did you vote?

I voted....
I voted for McCain....
I believe in Country First....
I believe that if McCain becomes president, Palin will still be a hockey mom......an Alaskan hockey mom that i can't stand
Thing is
I voted....but i didn't vote for McCain.....i voted for Obama......not cause he is black......but because he actually has some of my interests @ heart
You see, i believe Obama, but i'm scared.....
I'm scared cause Obama reminds me of myself....
You see, I'm a dreamer.......
Obama is a dreamer......but he is also a realist.......
It's funny how humans are two extremes........
Anyway go vote....you need to......come to make a change......

I quit......

I quit smoking as of October 29th, 2008......had my last cigarette on my way home after another exhausting day @ the job.....woke up the next morning and didn't have the energy to go to the gas station to buy a pack.....didn't want to pay the 5+ dollars that it costs to get them.....so i haven't smoked since then.....don't plan to.....i went out last night and wasn't even tempted to smoke even though i could there were people around smoking cigarette after cigarette........
Anyway......i decided to quit not only cause of how much they cost but i took my health into consideration.....i also need to grow up......smoking, i guess, has become a thing of the past for me and hopefully it will remain so.......

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm pretty good at hiding things....i usually have a smile on my face......for a long time, no one realized the pain within me until i started gaining weight......but even at that point, no one wanted to help.....no one wanted to know why.......they just wanted a quick fix......but even after the weight loss, some things within me haven't been fixed......and i wonder why?
I'm not as unhappy as i was a couple of years ago......im ok......could i be happier?.......sure...
I just don't know what would make me happy anymore......i do.....but i'm not sure of them...
I want to teach.......I want to write.......those 2 things would make me happy......
What scares me is if and when i do both, am i still going to be unhappy?

Silence

I'm tired of listening
but remaining unheard
so i'm going to stay quiet for a while
and see if any nobody can hear my silence

"Nigger" "Redneck"

So i work in collections....meaning that i'm the one person you hate to hear from......but if your car note is due and you are financed through the autofinance company that i work for, chances are you have heard from me before.....
now working for the company, i have to deal with people who don't want to pay their note......sometimes they make me feel like i forced them into the contract.....but if your credit sucks and you know you can't afford the car, don't get it......get a cheaper car......or just fuckin carpool.....that's what Bush told you to do anyway so you can save on gas.....anyway i've been called all kinds of names working for the company but "nigger" is just not what i want to hear on a daily basis.....
basically i work for a department where i constantly talk to the same customers over and over again because of the way the system is set up.....so i called this customer on Tuesday and he answered the phone and said "look here, nigger, stop calling here" and hung up on me.....he actually said it several times but the fact that he even said it startled the shit out of me....and he called me a "porch monkey" i might add...checked out his account and noticed that he had done the same thing to another one of my coworkers earlier that day (he is black)......anyway, the next day one of my other coworkers calls him and he was freakin nice as hell (she is half hispanic/half white).......i called him today.....he called me a "nigger" again @ the end of every sentence......
now i don't know how he could tell the difference between a "nigger" and a white person over the phone but all i know is that i realized that racism still exists and that ignorance obviously is bliss.....
for the people who know me, i'm very proper when it comes to speaking.....now i do understand sometimes when people say talking "black" or "white"......it might be the fact that as black people we use a lot of slang......but when i'm at work, i'm very professional.....quality assurance is a very serious aspect of my job and i don't plan on losing my job for my choice of words or how i present something to a customer.......
so when someone calls me a "nigger" and they don't even know what i look like.....i'm offended
so when someone calls me a "nigger" and they are just assuming that from my voice.....i'm offended.....
and the fucked up thing is that i've been called a "redneck" too
actually was told to "Vote for Obama"
the N.A.A.C.P actually had a funeral for the word.....they fail to realize that it won't help
Racism is prevalent, people
and i now its prevalent because just like my customer assumed i was black and called me a "nigger", i assumed he was a racist white man.......or should i say a fucking "redneck".

Conversations

Conversations with family members seem to irritate me......especially when i am the topic of discussion.....topic of discussion today happened to be the issue of me going back to school.....its not that i don't want to work on my masters.....its just the way the conversation was presented to me.....so as usual i'm the topic of discussion within the family.....been getting a lot of "when are you going back to school?" and "what's the next step?".....my question is "why are you worried about me, what about your kids?"......i need a break......not to place blame, but damn, days like these i realize how much of a fuck up my dad was, is and will continue to be (r.i.p).....the only people i want to hear somethings from are my parents......but i only had one and she has spent all her energy on me.....she's tired.....i'm tired.....and can i just live life for me......for just once?....but i look at my mom and see that she never lived life for herself....she lived it for me and Abby and i just can't turn my back on that.....i feel like i already have.....i really wish everything was different.....i wish my dad had his act together.....so mom wouldn't be by herself......i wouldn't have to hear from everyone else what they think i should do......
life is a bitch.....but u live it, u love it and u learn from it......
my life......is always in someone else's hand.....
the day my life is in my hand......that day........i don't know what i would do
life is a bitch......

Realizations

i have realized that life is life....have to accept it for what it is and not what i want it to be.
i have realized that love is hard to find.....and once you find it, it is hard to let go.....
so when i love, i love with no boundaries (and love can include man, woman (no homo), child and so forth)
i have realized that i'm intelligent.....i just don't know what to do with all of it (someone help me out here)
i have realized that i have no patience.....only the man above can help me with this one....
speaking of the man above,
i have realized that i need to go back to church.....faith is power...Amen!
i have realized that i'm young and i love to have fun......whenever the day comes that i stop partying, it just means that i have realized something else......i have realized that i'm old.....that realization will not happen till i'm about 40 or married with a couple of kids.
i have realized that i haven't acccepted myself for who i am yet.....still too worried about what my family thinks about me.
i have realized that i'm hyper....now that will never change....get over it.
i have realized that i love my hair short.....omg, that was the best decision that i had ever made in a while.
i have realized that i love being a sorority girl......but if i had to go back into the past, a sorority would not be an option
i have realized that i was young minded for so long that being a grown up made life so much easier......but life is still freaking hard (you have to feel me on this one)
i have realized that friends will be friends when they want to be friends.....enemies will be enemies forever......at this point, enemies are more reliable.....friends will flake out on you when you need them the most
i have realized that i love to write, read, listen to music, be lazy, love, party, write some more.......
i have realized that i don't like to work (obviously cause i love to be lazy)
i have realized that if i have to work that it has to be someone i can relate to.....at my current J.O.B i don't relate to a lot of people
i have realized that education is overrated to a lot of people......
i have realized that for me, the only way out is education (big ups to the moms and dads who accomplished that goal while taking care of their children)
i have realized that if i was a lot more artisitic or articulate i would not be where i'm at right now....
but again
i have realized that life is life......i have to accept it for what it is and not what i want it to be....
but again
i have realized that i can change my future
and the future is SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL!

Love hurts, damn it!

it hurts to love someone
it hurts even more when that someone loves someone else
i continue to ask myself why i'm here
and i realize why
its cause i love, and i love effortlessly
and i realze why
its cause love hurts
it hurts to love someone
it hurts even more when that someone loves you back
i continue to ask myself why i'm here
and i realize
its cause he loves, and he loves effortlessly
and i realize why
its cause love hurts

Choices

In life, we all make choices......good and bad....choices make us lose family, friends, jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, lovers.....choices make us gain family, friends, jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, lovers.....when we have to make choices we are generally lost....we need guidance....need someone to listen......but we are still lost.....
i have a choice to make....do i stay or do i go?
i know why i want to stay....i know why i want to stay....
i just need to make a choice...
i'm going to let life play its role....
Ciao!

Peace is nowhere to be found!

so unhappy right now.....been feeling this way all week.....was triggered by memories of the past......memories i can't seem to let go.....they always seem to hold me back......today has been the worst i've felt since 2005.....worst year of my life.....and today has just reminded me of all that happened that year.....all the drinking....all the partying.....all the mistakes......i just want to let go....i want to go far away from here where no one knows me.....start all over......i want to forget.......memories of my dad have been bothering me all week......fucked up thing is the only memory i have of my dad is him beating my mom against the kitchen wall.....that is all i remember of that man......all he did was live, live, live.......and then die......he choose the easy way out.......people keep on telling me i'm strong but all i feel is weakness.......all i feel is sadness.......it consumes me......my smiles are just to make people think that i'm ok.......but i'm not......i'm not ok......i'm very weak......i compare myself to my mom and i realize how weak i am.......i realize how much i hurt her everyday.......i realize how hurt i am and i want to fix it......wonder if the bottle is the answer for me?......i know its not cause i saw what it did to that man.......it ruined him.....made him forget he had us.......made him forget that he has something to live and work hard for......but he still choose the easy way out.......and that just breaks my heart to pieces.......maybe that's why i'm so complex......so defensive when it comes to guys.......i can't help it......i learned from the best......i have so many flaws.....i continue to make mistakes......i continue to listen but i remain unheard......and i keep on wondering why???......do i not make any sense?.....do i have to have a mental breakdown for someone to just listen to me???.....i just want to be free from the pain.....the anguish.......i'm tired of the battle within......the battle of the two extremes within me......one of them has to win sometime soon.....and maybe then i will find peace.

No 2 people are alike

Watched the second half of the Black in America special on CNN....this one focused on the black male.....the injustices they have suffered.....the cycle of teenage fatherhood growing......no 2 people are alike.....Dyson proved that......he, a professor.....his younger brother serving life in jail......educated black men are scarce.....growing up in the hood doesn't mean that u have to stay there.....your struggles should encourage you to better yourself.....i guess this is were role models come in.....grew up in a single mother household......but i think i came out ok.....can't say that for everyone else though......
No 2 people are alike....

Black in America

Watched the special today on being Black in America.....especially being a black woman in America......know that i am an educated woman......know the issues i face.....know that i don't have any kids.....know that i don't want to get married until my finances are right....but i wonder what mistakes i will make along the way......i know that as a black woman it will be hard to find a black man that thinks like me, appreciates the things that i appreciate.....so should my option be to date a white man? Either way, i'm very openminded to that option because most GOOD black men are either already taken or are gay......and the other half are stuck in jail........and i would know that as a black woman.....but this is where some more questions arise.....you see i am black.....but most importantly African......and with that comment i have even more narrowed down the chances of me marrying a black man......so again what are my options?.......
Half of the African-American population is uneducated per the special.....we are more than likely to suffer from teenage pregnancies and H.I.V/A.I.D.S.....and we know this....even living in the hood black people know this.....but we still continue to do the things that we do and let history repeat itself?
So tell me America, how do we stop it?

Addictions

I'm addicted to cigarettes
It's a fixation i can't seem to get rid of
Funny how when i'm around certain people its under control
I'm addicted to someone
It's a fixation i can't seem to resist
Funny how when i'm around that person smoking doesn't even come to mind
I'm addicted to writing
It's a fixation i will always embrace
Funny how when i'm writing i can't seem to think of anything else
All my addictions are fatal
They will eventually get the best of me
Funny thing is i have learned to balance them all
Love them equally
They are all exceptional to me
But when the day comes that i have to give them all up
The passion for any of them will slowly diminsh
They will become nothing but distant memories
Favorite distant memories
Signs of the past that will be hard to let go
So i will live and let die

First time

I don't belong
At this point, I don't know if i care
But i care about it enough to write about it
I know i care too much about certain people...things....places in my life
Maybe i should stop caring
Would that make me any happier?
Wonder if the people....things.....places...care about me as much as I do them
Never use the term "love" lightly
Wouldn't want to waste the beauty of the word and its meaning to me
I, like many others, have fallen prey to the materialistic view of this world
Focus has been lost somewhere
Working an 8-5 is not satisfaction
Writing at any time
I have found a greater appreciation for music lately thanks to one of my friends
It seems to come on at the right time
Everytime feels like the first time

Scared.

Wrote some things down today.....realized that by writing them down i accepted the truth......i spoke them into existence.....felt every word.....meant every emotion i put on paper......so why do i feel scared?

Anti-Love...Pro-Love

Most of my close friends know how i feel about love.....i'm very protective of my heart.....that doesn't mean that i don't love.....I love a lot of people.....and i love them with all of my heart.....the one thing that scares me is FALLING in love and not having the feeling reciprocated.....some of my friends say that i'm anti-love......some just say i'm scared to love.....and with good reason......i've seen my mom get beat up by the man that she thought loved her (my dad)....she hasn't loved another man since she left him......it hurts me to see her without a companion......for better or worse didn't work out for them......through sickness and health didn't help them...that's about the only memory i have of him.......hitting her.....i had not seen him in 15 yrs when he passed.....had not talked to him in 6......i appreciate my uncles and my cousins.......they make me understand and appreciate men who actually do good by their women and families.......it's been a long time coming but at the age of 25 i have realized that there are some men who love me......who will continue to love me........even though they are overbearing.........and some men who will love me when they meet me.......so anti-love or pro-love.....which one am I.......i'll figure it out sometime soon.......but until then......i really don't KNOW!
WITH LOVE, CIVILITY!

Tonight's Feel!

Inspired by one of my many loves.


Late Night Conversations
Early Morning Rendezvous
Showers filled with Passion
Kisses filled with Lust
That lead to more than just kisses
Tonight's Feel should be everlasting
Tonight's Feel should be every day's feel
Tonight's Feel is You and Me......becoming us
Tonight's Feel.

Weddings

I love Weddings just because they are a sign of unison between two people who love each other........I hate Weddings just because everytime I go to one I realize how I'm not ready for that kind of major commitment........I love Weddings just because i see people who I haven't seen in years......I hate Weddings just because the people I haven't see in years ask me when I'm getting married......And I tell them NEVER!!!!!

Be Cool!!!

I am a self proclaimed nerd......i love doing things that COOL people might think is so nerdy......like reading......and writing.....Half Price Books Sessions......one of my favorite spots with one of my favorite people (there are people who have accepted me for who i am, remarkably)....sci-fi movies.......History Channel......In my world, I know I'm COOL.......i appreciate things that the average Joe might not know or understand.....that's why I married History.......cause he is so COOL........makes me understand who i am and where i come from.......cause if u don't accept the past, how do you expect to live in the future........I'm COOL because i know what i want in life and surely will get it.........You are COOL because you believe that hustling is the only way out.......I don't understand people who were given everything by their parents, were raised in the suburbs and still believe that street life is the way to live......I'm COOL cause i went to school.........You're COOL cause you didn't........Not that you couldn't afford it........Just that you were too caught up trying to be COOL instead of focusing on the important matters of life.......I'm COOL cause i'm different.......You're COOL cause you decided to follow the crowd, decided to become a follower instead of a leader so know you abide by someone else's rules.......I on the other hand adhere to the rules that i placed on myself by myself......I'm COOL cause i know more than you ever will about the whole world.......You're COOL cause you know nothing else but the world you live in........I'm COOL cause i'm confident.....You're COOL cause you have no confidence left in yourself, that's why you have become the follower.......I, dear, I am the leader.........I'm COOL.......You're COOL........Just realize that we can't be COOL together.

Stolen moments!

Leaving us confused.......need, want, miss become words we use often......Attachments become Cruicial...attraction is fatal....doing things we have never done....Boundaries are crossed.......planning getaways........no one knows......we don't care........we are just trying to make memories of our own......and loving it.

Saul Williams

Is word still bond? Courtesy of Saul Williams, "The Dead Emcee Scrolls"

All
All that i am i have been
All i have been has been a long time coming
I am becoming all that i am

I stand in the middle of all that i have learned
All that i have memorized
All that i've known by heart
Unable to reach any of it
There is no sadness
There is no bliss
It is a forgotten memory

That which I was born
I am no longer
That which i was born
I have lived well beyond
That which I was born
Yet I am

What has become
of my simple truths?
They have become
Complex lies.

Can music change the world?
Are these simply songs to be heard
And forgotten?

Where I live
Music notes take the form
Of dollar signs
Souls sing backup
While material desires
Sing solo

How can I escape this cycle?
Must I turn with the world
In the direction it dictates?
Am I the wind's slave?

Happiness is a medicore standard for a middle-class existence.

The fiery sun of my passions evaporates the love lakes of my soul, clouds my thoughts and rains into you into existence.

-And his words have become my testament......Just appreciate the man's work.

Thoughts

Life is full of surprises.....tired of surprises at the moment......i need answers.....very little patience as usual.....i guess cause life is short......for my span of patience is even shorter........i can't stand confusion......in a crowd of people, i know where i belong......not there.....i belong somewhere far away from there......that's why i hate crowds........realize everyday that i care too much....live too little.....expect too much from people.......want to get away......stuck......problem is, i'm not too sure what i want......wants and needs.....have to figure those out......i want to go to Japan for year so i can get away but does that mean that i need to??....but what's holding me back?......Fear......change......i ponder.....will getting away for year help me in any way?.....realize that it well........but still in turmoil......so much in the air......don't have enough time to analyze it all.......so i confront some with a venegance......and others i just let them be.......start thinking of "Self-Reliance"....."To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men-that is genius."

I'm getting MARRIED!!!

So i finally found the man of my dreams staring into my eyes, on his knees, asking me the question that every woman in this world wants to hear in her adult life, "Will you marry me?". My response was of course a yes because why would i want to lose someone i love because i feel I'm not ready for a commitment. We are running away as far as possible....please don't try to contact us.....we will not respond to any calls, texts or emails. We will be somewhere deep in the Sahara doing what we do best, studying each other. You see, he has taught me about the American Revolution, the British monarchy, the ancient civilizations of the world, the mongols, slavery, WWI and WWII. I have a lot more to learn and since i can't learn out here anymore, we are going to travel the world so i can learn some more. You see, I promised history i would marry him, run away with him and never come back. He is so much easier to deal with than any other man i have known.....i daydream of how we are going to make history together.......so i dreamt how i married history last night.....i love history like a fat kid loves cake.....so the personification works for me.....if only we could marry the things that we love dearly, that we know will never lie to us, leave us, cheat on us, the world would be such a better place......history will always be a passion of mine, i ask questions, he answers......i argue, he tells me that it is history so what's done is done......I love him for that.

Everyday life....

Things that bother me immensly
1) Being @ the mall for longer than an hour....i don't understand the concept of being there all day...when i go to the mall i already know what stores i want to target and what i need to get....makes it easier....don't have to deal with the crowds.
2) Not being able to have a decent conversation with people.....basically can't stand ignorance.
3) Can't stand music they play on the radio anymore, specifically rap......in my ears, its trash.
4) Females who feel as if a man is all they need to survive in this world.
5) Men who hit their women.
6) Hillary Clinton still trying to win the democractic nomination....no pun intended but Obama has more of the delegate vote....so Hillary, please give up....Bill can't save you @ this point.
5) People who think that reading is for nerds.
6) People who think that going to a techincal school is going to college and compare it to acquiring a college degree....believe me, it's not.
7) People who don't encourage their children to go to school.
8) People who believe that being hood is a profession.
9) Hypocrites.....everyone of us is one.....some just take it to another level....those i can't deal with.
10) Females who feel that every man they have sex with will date them.....trust me, it was a one night stand.....you will not hear from him again unless its @ 2a.m in the morning.....and you know what we call that.....booty call.
11) Men who feel that every woman they have sex with is after them.....trust me, two can play the game....please watch the movie in order to catch my drift.
12) People who tell me that i'm too strong......what the heck is that supposed to me?
13) Being unhappy @ work or anything that i do on a regular basis.....it discourages me easily.
14) Being discouraged.
15) Liking somebody......u know that they like u back.......but u're still not sure......
16) Uncertainty
17) The future and what it holds.......can i just know now whats going to happen then so i can try and prevent it?
18) Heights
19) Escalators
20) People who act like they care when they really don't.
There is more to come.......

Inspire to be inspired

Free verse keeps me sane!!!


Inspiration is slowly creeping in.....slowly finding myself again......in the midst of the chaos, i am calm......i ignore the noise......i accept the calmness from within......and i write.......realize that i am alone.....for some insane reason, i love it as much as i hate it.......the extremes in me face each other....its an ongoing battle......not sure who wins the war but i'm still calm.........isn't that odd?......disassociate myself from the people that don't matter......point being they don't matter.......they will not improve my quality of life and neither will i improve theirs.......i speak louder.....bolder......blunter.......and i'm ok with that.......i find peace when i'm heard.......i care less when i'm not because i'm careless.......free spirit......searching for more......and i find it......i find it in him........he who is so different from me......i push a lot......push him away......don't go far.....then he pushes me away.......and we end up @ square one wondering what the hell is this friction between us.......eventually one will give up........and inspiration continues to creep in..........in the midst of the chaos, i'm not sure i know myself like i thought i did......realize i'm young......still have some growing up to do......start dreaming about the past.........the past that is so much better than my present......so unsure of the future......the past might have been ugly......rememeber a lot.........forget a little......always rememeber the pain.......most importantly remember the good times.....trips to Al Ain......try to forget my dad.....but how can i......i am his daughter.......i am my father's daughter.....therefore i drink like him........i know better though.......the happiest i've seen my mom was graduation......that was it for me........and inspiration continues to creep in......tells me that that i need to inspire another in order to be inspired........so i do what i do and i do it well!

breath of fresh air

I had that once, that breath of fresh air, and i can't get enough of it......sad thing is that its long gone.......i miss it.......it was so different, so calming.......brought out a side of me that i haven't seen......i guess i learned that there is so much good in me that i hardly share and fresh air just helped me spread the wealth......i want it back.....but i can't have it.....it belongs to someone else.......don't want to take it away from its happiness......would be selfish on my part.......so i continue to miss the things that i cannot have.......i realize that fresh air only comes about once in a blue moon.....maybe i'll get another chance......maybe fresh air will breathe thru me again......until that day comes though i have to leave fresh air where it belongs........at home.......not with me.

Funny how life comes at you!!!

Its funny how people make comments about what they think i want.......i don't take offense to it...i just think that it's funny.....was told that i don't want a boyfriend cause i like to have fun.....my question is why have a boyfriend if you can't have fun with him??? Why do we have to stay @ home by ourselves b/c we have finally found eachother?????........ doesn't everyone want to have fun....why can't i have both...fun and boyfriend??? is it too much to ask for?????
Weddings galore again this year......if one more person gets engaged this year, i will honestly move across continents....made up my mind about moving...August 2009.....Houston or Japan.......2 extremes.....i've always been complicated......thus i'm extreme when it comes to decisions that i make......i really don't have a lot of luck with guys.......weddings make me nervous....make me realize how i'm so not ready for a commitment of that magnitude.........emotional occasion to say the least......i haven't been writing....feel the passion being drained........i'm emotionally crippled by all that's going on.....its funny how i can listen to people's problems all day, encourage them to go for their dreams by night, check on them when they're ill......i never get that in return......Christine listens though....love her for that......maybe i'm just being extreme as usual.........death is a way of life....have been thinking a lot about death lately......somebody's always got to die.....its the circle of life.....we just don't know which one of us is going first.......i miss being someone's priority.......i feel like i'm always an option.......why don't you just pick me???? Pick me.....as i am....smart, bold, beautiful, extreme, emotional, sarcastic, optimistic.....just pick me. But then again, my track record with shoving guys away is very high.....so u might want to go back to her.......u might lose me somewhere in my awakwardness......i'm goin to Vegas next weekend......excited to get away from this forsaken place.......Prince Caspian coming out on May 16th has been jumpin for joy....seriously.......read The Kite Runner......it was so real......reminded me of being deported.....i need to write about that......i have so much bottled up inside.....i usually would unleash all that's inside with a bottle of vodka by my side......so much to say but so little time.......writing has saved my life........my inspirations can't seem to inspire me anymore......i'm trying to shed this dead skin but it's not working......i'm tired of being alone in a room full of people i know......i would rather be alone somewhere where i know not a single soul......start fresh.....life is full of surprises......someone told me that if i find love that i shouldn't run away from it.......i just don't believe that i should find love....its needs to find me....and if its meant to be then so be it.....we do what we do and we do what we live.

Something.Someone.Somewhere.will understand.

It's like everyone is slipping through the cracks of my life....it seems that i don't care anymore.......that's not in my nature.....i'm usually the caring one........i guess i got tired.......i'm tired of the weather change.....i'm tired of friends trying to be friends when they feel like it......I miss Houston....I miss Eritrea.....I miss Ethiopia....I miss the places I've been........I miss the people i let go......I miss the people who let me go.........I miss the people i can't have........Friendship is important......Love is overrated........I'm tired of being sucked into people's gravity........I need to find my own gravity and get lost in it.......I don't know where i am........I'm in Arlington, Tx.......I dislike this place with every passing day........Austin, here i come.......Houston, next stop.......I'm moving back to the H by August 2009.......I miss my college days.......I love the idea of being in love even though i have never been in love.......but i still believe that love is overrated and that i'm underestimated in my capacity of loving someone.......I pull and i push......i try to pull back again....realize that i have no second chance.........and then i start shoving......I shove so hard that i discard the memories of pulling........i lose people when i talk.....i get distracted.......they get distracted.....and there is that awkward silence......makes me realize how awkward i am......then i rememeber how i never belonged in the first place........so the bottle of Dos Equis....or Red Stripe.....or Corona.....or Bud Light....or better yet Patron....even better Chardonnay..........those bottles become my companions.....i miss those bottles when i don't have them.......that bottle.....or the many i continue to have make me belong......everyone starts talking about how cool i am......and at the momemt.....i regret trying to be someone that i'm not........and realize that i have lost myself completely in the crowd......i'm so adamant on being different......isn't that what everyone is trying to be.....different? and then i realize again......i have become like everyone else is......I'm very optimistic.......very openminded.........I've grown up so much.....I need to shed some dead skin.

Always on my mind!!!!

i realized that i've been alone all my life....tired of being alone......i miss me...... i miss poetry.......i feel dead inside.....can't find the passion in me......it's been gone for a while......maybe its because i'm not happy right now.........i'm partying too much.....reminds me of freshman year......i love talking bout music.......music has changed so much..........i don't like holding on to people.........i feel my strength fading away these days.......i feel like i'm becoming more like my father........i'm pretty and sweet.......i'm random and awkward........Jay-Z will be in Dallas on 04/12..........i like surprises..........i appreciate presents...........Valentine's Day is overrated..........i'm falling into a pitch of darkness.......i feel like i'm walking to a jail cell whenever i'm @ work.........i miss him........i want to disappear.......tokyo or cairo sound perfect..........i'm still mad @ my father...........if anyone choose the easy way out he did.
I think too much..........I live too little.

I can't have what i want!!!

Patience is not a virtue that i have.... therefore i'm not patient.
I want something that i can't have......therefore i still want you.