Everytime is like the first time

wondering when all of this will be over.....i only want to be around 1 person right now.....but i can't find him....i lost him somewhere in between my words and thoughts....and it all feels like he never existed....like it was all a dream....time has always been our enemy.....and so has distance....its funny how love can overpower all of that.....but the word is true.....distance does make the heart grow fonder....so i'm still searching for him.....i find him somewhere in between my words and thoughts....and he eases my soul....so gently....just the words do it...."everytime is like the first time".....

My imperfection.....

Over the past month, my emotions have been everywhere.....I feel like with everything that i have been doing, i'm losing....i'm fighting for what is important to me but sabotaging it at the same time...does that even make sense?....i'm hurting 1 of the most important people in my life....i'm shutting down to others.....everything seems to bother me....and i really can't figure out why....i haven't been writing....i've been blaming it on writer's block but now i'm wondering if i have lost the passion for it....i've been complaining a lot....and i don't like it....i've been drinking a lot....and i despise that as well....cause it makes me emotional....and i start picking fights....i can't seem to relax....i just want to be able to go with the flow....so i decided today that i'm not going to drink for a while....giving up drinking for lent and maybe even longer.....what scares me the most is pushing away the people that love me.....the people that i love.....the people that i need.....i don't want to be like my father.....and after certain things that i said in my emotional drunkness this past weekend, i have realized that it isn't worth it....the drinking isn't and neither is my father....and to be honest, i'm tired of blaming shit on him....i have to take responsibility for my actions and my words....i don't like hurting people....and i don't like to be hurt....eventhough, it is all a process of life.....im tired of something so painful happening @ the very beginning of the year....last year, it was my aunt....this year, it was Sewit.....i know that Sewit's death effected me more than my aunt's did....maybe it was her age....or the fact that i saw her grow up.....but things happen for a reason....and i'm tired of losing.....i don't want to lose the people i love....i miss my babe so much....and it kills me inside that i've been hurting him....and hurting myself as well....its funny, he is 1 of the few people who sees my potential....even when i can't see it myself....i know my potential but i get easily discouraged when obstacles happen.....the past bothers me....especially my dad....i don't want to leave my family like my dad did....and i don't want to hurt someone they way he hurt us.....i'm stuck in this place.....but i feel myself getting out.....it feels so much better when i cry sometimes.....even better when i write it cause it helps me accept it and move on from it.....i love my sister but i'm ready to live by myself....she tells me i'm selfish...which i am sometimes....but she stresses out too much about her tests and when i try to calm her down, i'm either being selfish...or i don't understand....or i'm stressing her out.....and then i shut down....gosh, i miss this....just venting like this....just being able to write it down....i am not perfect....nowhere near it....i'm thankful for the one's who love me and accept me for who i am....i'm thankful that i have a college degree (even though i'm not using it right now, lol)....i'm thankful being able to do this....being able to write....and explain myself to myself....weird!!!