Silence

I'm tired of listening
but remaining unheard
so i'm going to stay quiet for a while
and see if any nobody can hear my silence

"Nigger" "Redneck"

So i work in collections....meaning that i'm the one person you hate to hear from......but if your car note is due and you are financed through the autofinance company that i work for, chances are you have heard from me before.....
now working for the company, i have to deal with people who don't want to pay their note......sometimes they make me feel like i forced them into the contract.....but if your credit sucks and you know you can't afford the car, don't get it......get a cheaper car......or just fuckin carpool.....that's what Bush told you to do anyway so you can save on gas.....anyway i've been called all kinds of names working for the company but "nigger" is just not what i want to hear on a daily basis.....
basically i work for a department where i constantly talk to the same customers over and over again because of the way the system is set up.....so i called this customer on Tuesday and he answered the phone and said "look here, nigger, stop calling here" and hung up on me.....he actually said it several times but the fact that he even said it startled the shit out of me....and he called me a "porch monkey" i might add...checked out his account and noticed that he had done the same thing to another one of my coworkers earlier that day (he is black)......anyway, the next day one of my other coworkers calls him and he was freakin nice as hell (she is half hispanic/half white).......i called him today.....he called me a "nigger" again @ the end of every sentence......
now i don't know how he could tell the difference between a "nigger" and a white person over the phone but all i know is that i realized that racism still exists and that ignorance obviously is bliss.....
for the people who know me, i'm very proper when it comes to speaking.....now i do understand sometimes when people say talking "black" or "white"......it might be the fact that as black people we use a lot of slang......but when i'm at work, i'm very professional.....quality assurance is a very serious aspect of my job and i don't plan on losing my job for my choice of words or how i present something to a customer.......
so when someone calls me a "nigger" and they don't even know what i look like.....i'm offended
so when someone calls me a "nigger" and they are just assuming that from my voice.....i'm offended.....
and the fucked up thing is that i've been called a "redneck" too
actually was told to "Vote for Obama"
the N.A.A.C.P actually had a funeral for the word.....they fail to realize that it won't help
Racism is prevalent, people
and i now its prevalent because just like my customer assumed i was black and called me a "nigger", i assumed he was a racist white man.......or should i say a fucking "redneck".

Conversations

Conversations with family members seem to irritate me......especially when i am the topic of discussion.....topic of discussion today happened to be the issue of me going back to school.....its not that i don't want to work on my masters.....its just the way the conversation was presented to me.....so as usual i'm the topic of discussion within the family.....been getting a lot of "when are you going back to school?" and "what's the next step?".....my question is "why are you worried about me, what about your kids?"......i need a break......not to place blame, but damn, days like these i realize how much of a fuck up my dad was, is and will continue to be (r.i.p).....the only people i want to hear somethings from are my parents......but i only had one and she has spent all her energy on me.....she's tired.....i'm tired.....and can i just live life for me......for just once?....but i look at my mom and see that she never lived life for herself....she lived it for me and Abby and i just can't turn my back on that.....i feel like i already have.....i really wish everything was different.....i wish my dad had his act together.....so mom wouldn't be by herself......i wouldn't have to hear from everyone else what they think i should do......
life is a bitch.....but u live it, u love it and u learn from it......
my life......is always in someone else's hand.....
the day my life is in my hand......that day........i don't know what i would do
life is a bitch......

Realizations

i have realized that life is life....have to accept it for what it is and not what i want it to be.
i have realized that love is hard to find.....and once you find it, it is hard to let go.....
so when i love, i love with no boundaries (and love can include man, woman (no homo), child and so forth)
i have realized that i'm intelligent.....i just don't know what to do with all of it (someone help me out here)
i have realized that i have no patience.....only the man above can help me with this one....
speaking of the man above,
i have realized that i need to go back to church.....faith is power...Amen!
i have realized that i'm young and i love to have fun......whenever the day comes that i stop partying, it just means that i have realized something else......i have realized that i'm old.....that realization will not happen till i'm about 40 or married with a couple of kids.
i have realized that i haven't acccepted myself for who i am yet.....still too worried about what my family thinks about me.
i have realized that i'm hyper....now that will never change....get over it.
i have realized that i love my hair short.....omg, that was the best decision that i had ever made in a while.
i have realized that i love being a sorority girl......but if i had to go back into the past, a sorority would not be an option
i have realized that i was young minded for so long that being a grown up made life so much easier......but life is still freaking hard (you have to feel me on this one)
i have realized that friends will be friends when they want to be friends.....enemies will be enemies forever......at this point, enemies are more reliable.....friends will flake out on you when you need them the most
i have realized that i love to write, read, listen to music, be lazy, love, party, write some more.......
i have realized that i don't like to work (obviously cause i love to be lazy)
i have realized that if i have to work that it has to be someone i can relate to.....at my current J.O.B i don't relate to a lot of people
i have realized that education is overrated to a lot of people......
i have realized that for me, the only way out is education (big ups to the moms and dads who accomplished that goal while taking care of their children)
i have realized that if i was a lot more artisitic or articulate i would not be where i'm at right now....
but again
i have realized that life is life......i have to accept it for what it is and not what i want it to be....
but again
i have realized that i can change my future
and the future is SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL!

Love hurts, damn it!

it hurts to love someone
it hurts even more when that someone loves someone else
i continue to ask myself why i'm here
and i realize why
its cause i love, and i love effortlessly
and i realze why
its cause love hurts
it hurts to love someone
it hurts even more when that someone loves you back
i continue to ask myself why i'm here
and i realize
its cause he loves, and he loves effortlessly
and i realize why
its cause love hurts

Choices

In life, we all make choices......good and bad....choices make us lose family, friends, jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, lovers.....choices make us gain family, friends, jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, lovers.....when we have to make choices we are generally lost....we need guidance....need someone to listen......but we are still lost.....
i have a choice to make....do i stay or do i go?
i know why i want to stay....i know why i want to stay....
i just need to make a choice...
i'm going to let life play its role....
Ciao!