Weddings

I love Weddings just because they are a sign of unison between two people who love each other........I hate Weddings just because everytime I go to one I realize how I'm not ready for that kind of major commitment........I love Weddings just because i see people who I haven't seen in years......I hate Weddings just because the people I haven't see in years ask me when I'm getting married......And I tell them NEVER!!!!!

Be Cool!!!

I am a self proclaimed nerd......i love doing things that COOL people might think is so nerdy......like reading......and writing.....Half Price Books Sessions......one of my favorite spots with one of my favorite people (there are people who have accepted me for who i am, remarkably)....sci-fi movies.......History Channel......In my world, I know I'm COOL.......i appreciate things that the average Joe might not know or understand.....that's why I married History.......cause he is so COOL........makes me understand who i am and where i come from.......cause if u don't accept the past, how do you expect to live in the future........I'm COOL because i know what i want in life and surely will get it.........You are COOL because you believe that hustling is the only way out.......I don't understand people who were given everything by their parents, were raised in the suburbs and still believe that street life is the way to live......I'm COOL cause i went to school.........You're COOL cause you didn't........Not that you couldn't afford it........Just that you were too caught up trying to be COOL instead of focusing on the important matters of life.......I'm COOL cause i'm different.......You're COOL cause you decided to follow the crowd, decided to become a follower instead of a leader so know you abide by someone else's rules.......I on the other hand adhere to the rules that i placed on myself by myself......I'm COOL cause i know more than you ever will about the whole world.......You're COOL cause you know nothing else but the world you live in........I'm COOL cause i'm confident.....You're COOL cause you have no confidence left in yourself, that's why you have become the follower.......I, dear, I am the leader.........I'm COOL.......You're COOL........Just realize that we can't be COOL together.

Stolen moments!

Leaving us confused.......need, want, miss become words we use often......Attachments become Cruicial...attraction is fatal....doing things we have never done....Boundaries are crossed.......planning getaways........no one knows......we don't care........we are just trying to make memories of our own......and loving it.

Saul Williams

Is word still bond? Courtesy of Saul Williams, "The Dead Emcee Scrolls"

All
All that i am i have been
All i have been has been a long time coming
I am becoming all that i am

I stand in the middle of all that i have learned
All that i have memorized
All that i've known by heart
Unable to reach any of it
There is no sadness
There is no bliss
It is a forgotten memory

That which I was born
I am no longer
That which i was born
I have lived well beyond
That which I was born
Yet I am

What has become
of my simple truths?
They have become
Complex lies.

Can music change the world?
Are these simply songs to be heard
And forgotten?

Where I live
Music notes take the form
Of dollar signs
Souls sing backup
While material desires
Sing solo

How can I escape this cycle?
Must I turn with the world
In the direction it dictates?
Am I the wind's slave?

Happiness is a medicore standard for a middle-class existence.

The fiery sun of my passions evaporates the love lakes of my soul, clouds my thoughts and rains into you into existence.

-And his words have become my testament......Just appreciate the man's work.

Thoughts

Life is full of surprises.....tired of surprises at the moment......i need answers.....very little patience as usual.....i guess cause life is short......for my span of patience is even shorter........i can't stand confusion......in a crowd of people, i know where i belong......not there.....i belong somewhere far away from there......that's why i hate crowds........realize everyday that i care too much....live too little.....expect too much from people.......want to get away......stuck......problem is, i'm not too sure what i want......wants and needs.....have to figure those out......i want to go to Japan for year so i can get away but does that mean that i need to??....but what's holding me back?......Fear......change......i ponder.....will getting away for year help me in any way?.....realize that it well........but still in turmoil......so much in the air......don't have enough time to analyze it all.......so i confront some with a venegance......and others i just let them be.......start thinking of "Self-Reliance"....."To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men-that is genius."

I'm getting MARRIED!!!

So i finally found the man of my dreams staring into my eyes, on his knees, asking me the question that every woman in this world wants to hear in her adult life, "Will you marry me?". My response was of course a yes because why would i want to lose someone i love because i feel I'm not ready for a commitment. We are running away as far as possible....please don't try to contact us.....we will not respond to any calls, texts or emails. We will be somewhere deep in the Sahara doing what we do best, studying each other. You see, he has taught me about the American Revolution, the British monarchy, the ancient civilizations of the world, the mongols, slavery, WWI and WWII. I have a lot more to learn and since i can't learn out here anymore, we are going to travel the world so i can learn some more. You see, I promised history i would marry him, run away with him and never come back. He is so much easier to deal with than any other man i have known.....i daydream of how we are going to make history together.......so i dreamt how i married history last night.....i love history like a fat kid loves cake.....so the personification works for me.....if only we could marry the things that we love dearly, that we know will never lie to us, leave us, cheat on us, the world would be such a better place......history will always be a passion of mine, i ask questions, he answers......i argue, he tells me that it is history so what's done is done......I love him for that.

Everyday life....

Things that bother me immensly
1) Being @ the mall for longer than an hour....i don't understand the concept of being there all day...when i go to the mall i already know what stores i want to target and what i need to get....makes it easier....don't have to deal with the crowds.
2) Not being able to have a decent conversation with people.....basically can't stand ignorance.
3) Can't stand music they play on the radio anymore, specifically rap......in my ears, its trash.
4) Females who feel as if a man is all they need to survive in this world.
5) Men who hit their women.
6) Hillary Clinton still trying to win the democractic nomination....no pun intended but Obama has more of the delegate vote....so Hillary, please give up....Bill can't save you @ this point.
5) People who think that reading is for nerds.
6) People who think that going to a techincal school is going to college and compare it to acquiring a college degree....believe me, it's not.
7) People who don't encourage their children to go to school.
8) People who believe that being hood is a profession.
9) Hypocrites.....everyone of us is one.....some just take it to another level....those i can't deal with.
10) Females who feel that every man they have sex with will date them.....trust me, it was a one night stand.....you will not hear from him again unless its @ 2a.m in the morning.....and you know what we call that.....booty call.
11) Men who feel that every woman they have sex with is after them.....trust me, two can play the game....please watch the movie in order to catch my drift.
12) People who tell me that i'm too strong......what the heck is that supposed to me?
13) Being unhappy @ work or anything that i do on a regular basis.....it discourages me easily.
14) Being discouraged.
15) Liking somebody......u know that they like u back.......but u're still not sure......
16) Uncertainty
17) The future and what it holds.......can i just know now whats going to happen then so i can try and prevent it?
18) Heights
19) Escalators
20) People who act like they care when they really don't.
There is more to come.......

Inspire to be inspired

Free verse keeps me sane!!!


Inspiration is slowly creeping in.....slowly finding myself again......in the midst of the chaos, i am calm......i ignore the noise......i accept the calmness from within......and i write.......realize that i am alone.....for some insane reason, i love it as much as i hate it.......the extremes in me face each other....its an ongoing battle......not sure who wins the war but i'm still calm.........isn't that odd?......disassociate myself from the people that don't matter......point being they don't matter.......they will not improve my quality of life and neither will i improve theirs.......i speak louder.....bolder......blunter.......and i'm ok with that.......i find peace when i'm heard.......i care less when i'm not because i'm careless.......free spirit......searching for more......and i find it......i find it in him........he who is so different from me......i push a lot......push him away......don't go far.....then he pushes me away.......and we end up @ square one wondering what the hell is this friction between us.......eventually one will give up........and inspiration continues to creep in..........in the midst of the chaos, i'm not sure i know myself like i thought i did......realize i'm young......still have some growing up to do......start dreaming about the past.........the past that is so much better than my present......so unsure of the future......the past might have been ugly......rememeber a lot.........forget a little......always rememeber the pain.......most importantly remember the good times.....trips to Al Ain......try to forget my dad.....but how can i......i am his daughter.......i am my father's daughter.....therefore i drink like him........i know better though.......the happiest i've seen my mom was graduation......that was it for me........and inspiration continues to creep in......tells me that that i need to inspire another in order to be inspired........so i do what i do and i do it well!

breath of fresh air

I had that once, that breath of fresh air, and i can't get enough of it......sad thing is that its long gone.......i miss it.......it was so different, so calming.......brought out a side of me that i haven't seen......i guess i learned that there is so much good in me that i hardly share and fresh air just helped me spread the wealth......i want it back.....but i can't have it.....it belongs to someone else.......don't want to take it away from its happiness......would be selfish on my part.......so i continue to miss the things that i cannot have.......i realize that fresh air only comes about once in a blue moon.....maybe i'll get another chance......maybe fresh air will breathe thru me again......until that day comes though i have to leave fresh air where it belongs........at home.......not with me.