Peace is nowhere to be found!

so unhappy right now.....been feeling this way all week.....was triggered by memories of the past......memories i can't seem to let go.....they always seem to hold me back......today has been the worst i've felt since 2005.....worst year of my life.....and today has just reminded me of all that happened that year.....all the drinking....all the partying.....all the mistakes......i just want to let go....i want to go far away from here where no one knows me.....start all over......i want to forget.......memories of my dad have been bothering me all week......fucked up thing is the only memory i have of my dad is him beating my mom against the kitchen wall.....that is all i remember of that man......all he did was live, live, live.......and then die......he choose the easy way out.......people keep on telling me i'm strong but all i feel is weakness.......all i feel is sadness.......it consumes me......my smiles are just to make people think that i'm ok.......but i'm not......i'm not ok......i'm very weak......i compare myself to my mom and i realize how weak i am.......i realize how much i hurt her everyday.......i realize how hurt i am and i want to fix it......wonder if the bottle is the answer for me?......i know its not cause i saw what it did to that man.......it ruined him.....made him forget he had us.......made him forget that he has something to live and work hard for......but he still choose the easy way out.......and that just breaks my heart to pieces.......maybe that's why i'm so complex......so defensive when it comes to guys.......i can't help it......i learned from the best......i have so many flaws.....i continue to make mistakes......i continue to listen but i remain unheard......and i keep on wondering why???......do i not make any sense?.....do i have to have a mental breakdown for someone to just listen to me???.....i just want to be free from the pain.....the anguish.......i'm tired of the battle within......the battle of the two extremes within me......one of them has to win sometime soon.....and maybe then i will find peace.