Forever summer...

it's the smile on our face that i see every morning when i wake up....eventhough you are not beside me.....and i wonder....i wonder if you will come back to me.....never knowing if you were ever here......waiting for daylight to reveal itself.....maybe you will make an appearance along with it....or maybe not....but again your smile reminds me of my summers from years past.....hopefully i can remember it for my many summer's to come....living a constant dream....those summers.....when i wanted it to remain forever summer.....can i have them back?......will they bring you along?......so many questions.....not enough time for answers......so as usual, i keep on dreaming......waiting for my questions to be answered......wonder if they ever will.......until then, forever summer........

Loner

socially awkward....
i have become a loner.....and sometimes its great but sometimes.....
sometimes when i'm by myself....i think too much
too many memories from my past...
remember all my wrong doings.....
i start thinking about my present....how i would love to change it...
but i can't....things are easier said than done...
there is always something holding me back....
and my future......i don't know what it holds for me....
i'm tired of loving people.....knowing that in the end.....it will hurt
but the people that love you are not supposed to hurt you....
yeah right.....tell that to my dad.....
in a room full of people, i'm still the oddest one...
and i accept it....
socially awkward...

Did you vote?

I voted....
I voted for McCain....
I believe in Country First....
I believe that if McCain becomes president, Palin will still be a hockey mom......an Alaskan hockey mom that i can't stand
Thing is
I voted....but i didn't vote for McCain.....i voted for Obama......not cause he is black......but because he actually has some of my interests @ heart
You see, i believe Obama, but i'm scared.....
I'm scared cause Obama reminds me of myself....
You see, I'm a dreamer.......
Obama is a dreamer......but he is also a realist.......
It's funny how humans are two extremes........
Anyway go vote....you need to......come to make a change......

I quit......

I quit smoking as of October 29th, 2008......had my last cigarette on my way home after another exhausting day @ the job.....woke up the next morning and didn't have the energy to go to the gas station to buy a pack.....didn't want to pay the 5+ dollars that it costs to get them.....so i haven't smoked since then.....don't plan to.....i went out last night and wasn't even tempted to smoke even though i could there were people around smoking cigarette after cigarette........
Anyway......i decided to quit not only cause of how much they cost but i took my health into consideration.....i also need to grow up......smoking, i guess, has become a thing of the past for me and hopefully it will remain so.......

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm pretty good at hiding things....i usually have a smile on my face......for a long time, no one realized the pain within me until i started gaining weight......but even at that point, no one wanted to help.....no one wanted to know why.......they just wanted a quick fix......but even after the weight loss, some things within me haven't been fixed......and i wonder why?
I'm not as unhappy as i was a couple of years ago......im ok......could i be happier?.......sure...
I just don't know what would make me happy anymore......i do.....but i'm not sure of them...
I want to teach.......I want to write.......those 2 things would make me happy......
What scares me is if and when i do both, am i still going to be unhappy?

Silence

I'm tired of listening
but remaining unheard
so i'm going to stay quiet for a while
and see if any nobody can hear my silence

"Nigger" "Redneck"

So i work in collections....meaning that i'm the one person you hate to hear from......but if your car note is due and you are financed through the autofinance company that i work for, chances are you have heard from me before.....
now working for the company, i have to deal with people who don't want to pay their note......sometimes they make me feel like i forced them into the contract.....but if your credit sucks and you know you can't afford the car, don't get it......get a cheaper car......or just fuckin carpool.....that's what Bush told you to do anyway so you can save on gas.....anyway i've been called all kinds of names working for the company but "nigger" is just not what i want to hear on a daily basis.....
basically i work for a department where i constantly talk to the same customers over and over again because of the way the system is set up.....so i called this customer on Tuesday and he answered the phone and said "look here, nigger, stop calling here" and hung up on me.....he actually said it several times but the fact that he even said it startled the shit out of me....and he called me a "porch monkey" i might add...checked out his account and noticed that he had done the same thing to another one of my coworkers earlier that day (he is black)......anyway, the next day one of my other coworkers calls him and he was freakin nice as hell (she is half hispanic/half white).......i called him today.....he called me a "nigger" again @ the end of every sentence......
now i don't know how he could tell the difference between a "nigger" and a white person over the phone but all i know is that i realized that racism still exists and that ignorance obviously is bliss.....
for the people who know me, i'm very proper when it comes to speaking.....now i do understand sometimes when people say talking "black" or "white"......it might be the fact that as black people we use a lot of slang......but when i'm at work, i'm very professional.....quality assurance is a very serious aspect of my job and i don't plan on losing my job for my choice of words or how i present something to a customer.......
so when someone calls me a "nigger" and they don't even know what i look like.....i'm offended
so when someone calls me a "nigger" and they are just assuming that from my voice.....i'm offended.....
and the fucked up thing is that i've been called a "redneck" too
actually was told to "Vote for Obama"
the N.A.A.C.P actually had a funeral for the word.....they fail to realize that it won't help
Racism is prevalent, people
and i now its prevalent because just like my customer assumed i was black and called me a "nigger", i assumed he was a racist white man.......or should i say a fucking "redneck".

Conversations

Conversations with family members seem to irritate me......especially when i am the topic of discussion.....topic of discussion today happened to be the issue of me going back to school.....its not that i don't want to work on my masters.....its just the way the conversation was presented to me.....so as usual i'm the topic of discussion within the family.....been getting a lot of "when are you going back to school?" and "what's the next step?".....my question is "why are you worried about me, what about your kids?"......i need a break......not to place blame, but damn, days like these i realize how much of a fuck up my dad was, is and will continue to be (r.i.p).....the only people i want to hear somethings from are my parents......but i only had one and she has spent all her energy on me.....she's tired.....i'm tired.....and can i just live life for me......for just once?....but i look at my mom and see that she never lived life for herself....she lived it for me and Abby and i just can't turn my back on that.....i feel like i already have.....i really wish everything was different.....i wish my dad had his act together.....so mom wouldn't be by herself......i wouldn't have to hear from everyone else what they think i should do......
life is a bitch.....but u live it, u love it and u learn from it......
my life......is always in someone else's hand.....
the day my life is in my hand......that day........i don't know what i would do
life is a bitch......

Realizations

i have realized that life is life....have to accept it for what it is and not what i want it to be.
i have realized that love is hard to find.....and once you find it, it is hard to let go.....
so when i love, i love with no boundaries (and love can include man, woman (no homo), child and so forth)
i have realized that i'm intelligent.....i just don't know what to do with all of it (someone help me out here)
i have realized that i have no patience.....only the man above can help me with this one....
speaking of the man above,
i have realized that i need to go back to church.....faith is power...Amen!
i have realized that i'm young and i love to have fun......whenever the day comes that i stop partying, it just means that i have realized something else......i have realized that i'm old.....that realization will not happen till i'm about 40 or married with a couple of kids.
i have realized that i haven't acccepted myself for who i am yet.....still too worried about what my family thinks about me.
i have realized that i'm hyper....now that will never change....get over it.
i have realized that i love my hair short.....omg, that was the best decision that i had ever made in a while.
i have realized that i love being a sorority girl......but if i had to go back into the past, a sorority would not be an option
i have realized that i was young minded for so long that being a grown up made life so much easier......but life is still freaking hard (you have to feel me on this one)
i have realized that friends will be friends when they want to be friends.....enemies will be enemies forever......at this point, enemies are more reliable.....friends will flake out on you when you need them the most
i have realized that i love to write, read, listen to music, be lazy, love, party, write some more.......
i have realized that i don't like to work (obviously cause i love to be lazy)
i have realized that if i have to work that it has to be someone i can relate to.....at my current J.O.B i don't relate to a lot of people
i have realized that education is overrated to a lot of people......
i have realized that for me, the only way out is education (big ups to the moms and dads who accomplished that goal while taking care of their children)
i have realized that if i was a lot more artisitic or articulate i would not be where i'm at right now....
but again
i have realized that life is life......i have to accept it for what it is and not what i want it to be....
but again
i have realized that i can change my future
and the future is SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL!

Love hurts, damn it!

it hurts to love someone
it hurts even more when that someone loves someone else
i continue to ask myself why i'm here
and i realize why
its cause i love, and i love effortlessly
and i realze why
its cause love hurts
it hurts to love someone
it hurts even more when that someone loves you back
i continue to ask myself why i'm here
and i realize
its cause he loves, and he loves effortlessly
and i realize why
its cause love hurts

Choices

In life, we all make choices......good and bad....choices make us lose family, friends, jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, lovers.....choices make us gain family, friends, jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, lovers.....when we have to make choices we are generally lost....we need guidance....need someone to listen......but we are still lost.....
i have a choice to make....do i stay or do i go?
i know why i want to stay....i know why i want to stay....
i just need to make a choice...
i'm going to let life play its role....
Ciao!

Peace is nowhere to be found!

so unhappy right now.....been feeling this way all week.....was triggered by memories of the past......memories i can't seem to let go.....they always seem to hold me back......today has been the worst i've felt since 2005.....worst year of my life.....and today has just reminded me of all that happened that year.....all the drinking....all the partying.....all the mistakes......i just want to let go....i want to go far away from here where no one knows me.....start all over......i want to forget.......memories of my dad have been bothering me all week......fucked up thing is the only memory i have of my dad is him beating my mom against the kitchen wall.....that is all i remember of that man......all he did was live, live, live.......and then die......he choose the easy way out.......people keep on telling me i'm strong but all i feel is weakness.......all i feel is sadness.......it consumes me......my smiles are just to make people think that i'm ok.......but i'm not......i'm not ok......i'm very weak......i compare myself to my mom and i realize how weak i am.......i realize how much i hurt her everyday.......i realize how hurt i am and i want to fix it......wonder if the bottle is the answer for me?......i know its not cause i saw what it did to that man.......it ruined him.....made him forget he had us.......made him forget that he has something to live and work hard for......but he still choose the easy way out.......and that just breaks my heart to pieces.......maybe that's why i'm so complex......so defensive when it comes to guys.......i can't help it......i learned from the best......i have so many flaws.....i continue to make mistakes......i continue to listen but i remain unheard......and i keep on wondering why???......do i not make any sense?.....do i have to have a mental breakdown for someone to just listen to me???.....i just want to be free from the pain.....the anguish.......i'm tired of the battle within......the battle of the two extremes within me......one of them has to win sometime soon.....and maybe then i will find peace.

No 2 people are alike

Watched the second half of the Black in America special on CNN....this one focused on the black male.....the injustices they have suffered.....the cycle of teenage fatherhood growing......no 2 people are alike.....Dyson proved that......he, a professor.....his younger brother serving life in jail......educated black men are scarce.....growing up in the hood doesn't mean that u have to stay there.....your struggles should encourage you to better yourself.....i guess this is were role models come in.....grew up in a single mother household......but i think i came out ok.....can't say that for everyone else though......
No 2 people are alike....

Black in America

Watched the special today on being Black in America.....especially being a black woman in America......know that i am an educated woman......know the issues i face.....know that i don't have any kids.....know that i don't want to get married until my finances are right....but i wonder what mistakes i will make along the way......i know that as a black woman it will be hard to find a black man that thinks like me, appreciates the things that i appreciate.....so should my option be to date a white man? Either way, i'm very openminded to that option because most GOOD black men are either already taken or are gay......and the other half are stuck in jail........and i would know that as a black woman.....but this is where some more questions arise.....you see i am black.....but most importantly African......and with that comment i have even more narrowed down the chances of me marrying a black man......so again what are my options?.......
Half of the African-American population is uneducated per the special.....we are more than likely to suffer from teenage pregnancies and H.I.V/A.I.D.S.....and we know this....even living in the hood black people know this.....but we still continue to do the things that we do and let history repeat itself?
So tell me America, how do we stop it?

Addictions

I'm addicted to cigarettes
It's a fixation i can't seem to get rid of
Funny how when i'm around certain people its under control
I'm addicted to someone
It's a fixation i can't seem to resist
Funny how when i'm around that person smoking doesn't even come to mind
I'm addicted to writing
It's a fixation i will always embrace
Funny how when i'm writing i can't seem to think of anything else
All my addictions are fatal
They will eventually get the best of me
Funny thing is i have learned to balance them all
Love them equally
They are all exceptional to me
But when the day comes that i have to give them all up
The passion for any of them will slowly diminsh
They will become nothing but distant memories
Favorite distant memories
Signs of the past that will be hard to let go
So i will live and let die

First time

I don't belong
At this point, I don't know if i care
But i care about it enough to write about it
I know i care too much about certain people...things....places in my life
Maybe i should stop caring
Would that make me any happier?
Wonder if the people....things.....places...care about me as much as I do them
Never use the term "love" lightly
Wouldn't want to waste the beauty of the word and its meaning to me
I, like many others, have fallen prey to the materialistic view of this world
Focus has been lost somewhere
Working an 8-5 is not satisfaction
Writing at any time
I have found a greater appreciation for music lately thanks to one of my friends
It seems to come on at the right time
Everytime feels like the first time

Scared.

Wrote some things down today.....realized that by writing them down i accepted the truth......i spoke them into existence.....felt every word.....meant every emotion i put on paper......so why do i feel scared?

Anti-Love...Pro-Love

Most of my close friends know how i feel about love.....i'm very protective of my heart.....that doesn't mean that i don't love.....I love a lot of people.....and i love them with all of my heart.....the one thing that scares me is FALLING in love and not having the feeling reciprocated.....some of my friends say that i'm anti-love......some just say i'm scared to love.....and with good reason......i've seen my mom get beat up by the man that she thought loved her (my dad)....she hasn't loved another man since she left him......it hurts me to see her without a companion......for better or worse didn't work out for them......through sickness and health didn't help them...that's about the only memory i have of him.......hitting her.....i had not seen him in 15 yrs when he passed.....had not talked to him in 6......i appreciate my uncles and my cousins.......they make me understand and appreciate men who actually do good by their women and families.......it's been a long time coming but at the age of 25 i have realized that there are some men who love me......who will continue to love me........even though they are overbearing.........and some men who will love me when they meet me.......so anti-love or pro-love.....which one am I.......i'll figure it out sometime soon.......but until then......i really don't KNOW!
WITH LOVE, CIVILITY!

Tonight's Feel!

Inspired by one of my many loves.


Late Night Conversations
Early Morning Rendezvous
Showers filled with Passion
Kisses filled with Lust
That lead to more than just kisses
Tonight's Feel should be everlasting
Tonight's Feel should be every day's feel
Tonight's Feel is You and Me......becoming us
Tonight's Feel.

Weddings

I love Weddings just because they are a sign of unison between two people who love each other........I hate Weddings just because everytime I go to one I realize how I'm not ready for that kind of major commitment........I love Weddings just because i see people who I haven't seen in years......I hate Weddings just because the people I haven't see in years ask me when I'm getting married......And I tell them NEVER!!!!!