Frustration!!

I feel like my degree is worth nothing. I have applied for so many jobs and i am yet to hear from them. I tired. I don't know what to do. Money is running short. I just want to get a job that will pay me enough to survive until January when hopefully i will start teaching. I guess i always want everything to go my way but it can't happen like that all the time!!
I'm at work, doing nothing but feeling frustrated by the minute.
I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, my hair will be really short for the first time in my life and i'm kind of excited!!

Same Shit, Different Day!!!

Even though i have lost 40 pounds since January, i still feel very ugly. Actually, I don't think i've ever felt this deep wave of ugliness ever. Everyday, i feel myself become lonely. Everyday starts of to be great but something happens and again i am attacked with a wave of emotions. i'm scared i'm going to end up by myself for the rest of my life.
What do i want from life??
I need to answer that question first, but most importantly i need to be happy.
I haven't been happy in a long time!!

Undergraduate life is over!! Real world here i come!!

As of August 11th, 2007, I'm officially a graduate from the University of Texas in Arlington with a B.A in History and a minor in Womens' Studies. 5 years and 1000's of dollars later, all I got when I walked across the stage was a piece of paper with University of Texas in Arlington on it. It didn't even have my name on the inside. I'm going to miss college, miss the parties, miss sorority life and I surely will miss some of the people I have met over the past few years. The time has come for me to move on to bigger and better things, to improve my life in anyway possible. I will be starting my certification classes soon so hopefully I can start teaching by January. It is a change I need to get used to. Anything that has occured in my life has occured in 7's. I was 7 when I moved from Abu Dhabi to Addis Ababa. 7 years later, I moved to Eritrea. 7 months after that, I moved to Houston. 7 years later, I have graduated from college.
I guess the question remains: 7 yrs from now, what event will occur in my life???
Hopefully, what every young lady dreams about, a beautiful wedding!! If not, I will settle for a Ph.d and a trip to Egypt!!!
Sounds exciting!!

Falling!

In a matter of minutes, I am overcome with a wave of emotions.
I don't know how to deal with it so i continue to worry about things i have no control over.
I need help in so many aspects of my life, i need somebody to reach out to.
I reach out and i feel nothing.
I'm falling with nobody to rescue me.
I'm falling into an endless pit.

what the world does to me

the world makes me change in a way i don't expect
like the process of aging
that really is getting to me
but i'm only 24
and i'm tired of partying!!
i'm tired of meeting new people, now that really is a big change!!
i get embarrased way easily now
i drink a lot less
weigh a lot more
stress a lot more and
date a lot less
change is funny
makes me wonder what i'll be like in the ten years
when the world continues to do what it does to me

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Life is hard.
I feel myself going into a rut again.
I really am complaining about things that i have no control over.
Death was the easy way out for him.
And he choose it so quickly.

Back to Black!!

U go back to her and i go back to black...... i fade away from ur memory so quick that our many adventures together become your many adventures with her......U go back to her and i go back to black..... ur ship has long sailed away but i still stand at bay waiting for u to come back....... U go back to her and i go back to black...... its like waiting at the airport for a loved one to arrive just to hear that their flight got cancelled......U go back to her and i go back to black.....all hope has done is leave me hopeless.......U go back to her and i go back to black....our future together has slippped through the cracks......U go back to her and i go back to black!!!

Continous cycle of depression!

i love my life as much as i hate it.
i'm tired.

Better.

I feel as if my week is off to a good start. Dropped Abby off at her internship @ 8:30 a.m and went walking with Adrienne. I feel energized eventhough i didn't get enough sleep last night. Went to class late but my teacher is cool, really laid back. Now i'm at work. Also weighed myself this morning and i believe i have gained 2 pounds. I'm not even frustrated about it because i know that i can correct it. I have adopted a lifestyle that is making me happy and i know that i will gain some pounds here and there; all i have to do is work on it. I'm @ 190 pds right now. I'm proud of what i have accomplished over the past few months. I haven't made time to write poetry in the past month or two; i don't want to force it. Most of the time i do way better with my writing when it comes naturally.
I was thinking about my family today; its funny how they try to protect from the world and end up harming u in the same instant.
Abby will have her car by next weekend i believe. I can take the Honda to the shop.
Very boring weekend, went to work and went to sleep. Friday night i was being pampered by my dear friend, Adrienne, she did my hair and i feel asleep @ her place. Was raining outside. Woke up @ 6 a.m to go home and get ready for work.
I want to use big words!!

Past couple of days.

I have been feeling lost these past couple of days, confused on what I'm going to do after graduation if I don't get a teaching job. I was thinking a lot about my dad last night because i still have some animosity towards him. Its been a year and a half since he passed away, its also been almost 17 years since i last saw him. My mother was my father and mother; she did a great job raising us. She deserves way better than what life has given her. Graduation is a celebration for her, not me. Hopefully she is proud of the girls that she raised.
I have a dream that one day............. I really don't know. I know I have a dream; I just can't seem to find it. I have not dreamt in such a long time; all my positive thoughts have become a distant and hazy memory.
All things, whether good or bad, come to an end.
I think i have lost faith!!

Life.....Death....Love......Hope.......Faith.......Happiness

Perception of Life changes with every year that ends, with every mission we embark on, we realize that our outlook on certain things change. I have grown into a completely different person. Mature yet childlike i believe. I still have a problem with acceptance. I want to be accepted by my family now more than ever. I don't even care about the outside world just my family. I am so different from everyone else, i feel that every time i turn around, i am being made fun off. I am still so very sensitive when it comes to my family , i can't help it though. I have forgotten how it feels to have faith and trust in somebody..... I'm way better than Abby..... but i'm getting there. Happiness has become a lost cause, a fleeting dream. Every morning i wake up to sirens in my ear telling me that i will amount to nothing. Should i believe that?? Should i believe that i will amount to nothing???
Weddings galore this summer and next year, I'm really not ready for the emotions!!!
Graduation around the corner warning me that i might be jobless come August!!!
I will officially go broke then.
I miss feeling wanted. I miss feeling appreciated.
I miss me. I have lost me somewhere in this world of many other me's and i can't seem to find me.
I can never figure it out.
Why is it that everyone has a boyfriend but me???
Sitting here daydreamin that love will eventually find me, the sad part is, i don't even know what love is anymore.
All hope is lost for this one.

Death is a way of life....My story is worth a verse.....Got this one from Mike-E when he did "Mezeker means to Rememeber" on Def Jam Poetry!!

in the event of the demise of the poet!!

in the event of the demise of the poet, i urge u to pick up a pen and write. write about your yesterday, your today and your tomorrow. since tomorrow was never promised to the poet realize that it is not promised to you either so just pick up a pen and write. write about the wrong doings of mankind towards the earth we walk on. write about polgamy, misgony and pornography. in the event of the demise of the poet, become the poet. realize that money isn't what makes the world go round, words do. write about the richness of the land of Egypt, write about racism. realize that race is a word constructed by a certain race to dominate another race, to make the other race weaker when really it is the other way around. write about the beauty of love. write about how u fell in love. write about how u feel out of love. in the event of the demise of the poet, i urge u to pick up a pen and write. realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder so your ugly is my beautiful. write about how ugly drugs are and how beautiful death is. write about how death can empower one to do better for themselves. realize that the death of the poet is what has made u the poet. in the event of the demise of the poet, i urge u to pick up a pen and write. write about your yesterday, your today and your tomorrow. since tomorrow was never promised to the poet realize that it is not promised to you so just pick up a pen and write.

Tugging at my heart!!

If this was a different world, i would be in love with you and you with me. Imagination lets me wander into a world were me and you meet; its the perfect occasion. I'm the pretty girl at the bar getting a glass of wine and u notice me from a distance; u don't say a word to your friends but just get up and come towards me because u don't want someone to grab my attention before u do. I'm sipping on my glass watching and listening to the jazz band play some soothing blues melody when u approach me and u have already figured out that there is an attraction. u are my type of guy and i thank god under my breath. that chance meeting ends us in a whirlworld romance and a year later, u want to make me your wife.
How naive of me to imagine all of this and forget the tribulations that come with every relationship. The perfectionist in me wants the perfect spouse but i'll never find that. Can't even find someone who likes me for me. Not changing my personality for somebody else but need to get rid of my flaws. To think that my imaginary love will come true is just that; imaginary. So while i sit here and wait for this imaginary spouse, many a perfect man have slipped through the cracks of my life and have left me lonely. Desperate was never the name of my game.
I just want peace, i want to get away to some place where i don't want to feel the pressure of having companionship.

Everyday life!!

I have not been writing much, not on my blog or my diary. I have become consumed with my weight loss because it has been a long time since I have seen my physical self in a positive way. So I'm at work, should be doing my french homework since i'm in the downstairs office but i don't seem to have the energy to do anything these days. I'm so ready for graduation. Hopefully i can get one of these overseas jobs so i can get out of here.
Its sad to hear that someone from your highschool passed away. Shalonda was a very vibrant person, the last time i talked to her was my freshmen year of college. She had a great personality. She will be greatly missed.
I'm tired of running into the same old people, i'm tired of the negativty that sorority life sometimes brings along with it, i'm tired of people thinking that they are better than everyone else, i'm tired of men putting their hands on women, i'm tired of men cheating on their girlfriends, i'm tired of girlfriends cheating on their men, i'm tired of being friends with people who don't even care about me, i'm tired of loving people and not being loved back, i'm tired of being something that i'm not.
Its funny to hear from your own brother that u're too strong or aggressive for a guy, what a shame, i have to change my personality just to find a man.

If it was up to me

If it was up to me, my mom would be the Queen of Egypt, and i would be the courts official poet cause i was blessed by the God of the sun, moon and stars with the artistic ability to put words together and make something so intricate, so simple. My mom would be proud of her first born cause i would be nourshing our seemingly ignorant population with the knowledge of the ones that passed. If it was up to me, my mom would still be young with a husband who actually did not beat her because she took their kids on a trip since he could not do it. They would still be husband and wife, and I, would be their poetically inclined daughter recounting many books that i wrote, in my imagination, i would have seen my father before he passed to tell him what a punk he is, was and will continue to be. If it was up to me, i would have made sure that he didn't pick the easy way out, u see, death is the easy way out, but to me he died the day that i left him and never saw him again. To me he died, the day he gave up on the two daughters he had with this amazingly beautiful and strong Eritrean woman who would have done anything for their daughters. To me he died, like a man who had never lived therefore making him nonexistent in my existence. If it was up to me, i would be proud of who i am, my father's daughter but instead i deny the every drop of blood of his family in me cause he was never my father. If it was up to me, he would a joyous memory of love, hope and family but instead he becomes a memory that i want to flee cause he brings me nothing but heartache, despair and disillusion. If it was up to me, i would not be as cruel to him right now as he was to me.

Divide and Conquer: History repeats itself.

This piece needs a lot more work but here it goes!!!

History repeats itself i say. Divide and Conquer is the game they played cause they knew they could control our minds. Actually, we choose to let them control our feeble thinking brains, we listened to them tell us that light skin is the best skin and the lighter we are the cuter our kids will be. This is how we are conditioned to think, and the hypocrite in me believes it. 99 was a very good year for me cause i moved to the land of oppurtunity but i now know that this land has no oppurtunity for me cause i'm not white enough. i'm not black enough either. When i talk to someone of another race, i'm too black and when i talk to someone darker than me, i'm not black enough cause i have a CLIPPED british accent, at least that's what my boss told me when a couple of days ago a client complained to him about my GHETTONESS. So i stay confused cause i don't have an identity to give everyone else but what matters the most is that i know myself.
Its sad to say that i didn't learn much about history in class, most of what i learned came from reading books with historical accounts of the Beta Israel Jews that lived in Ethiopia for decades and no one knew of their existence because divide and conquer was the game that was played. Divide and conquer was the game that was played when Egyptians keep on thinking that they are Arab when they really are African cause they exist on the African continent and just where influenced by the Middle East. The reason for Darfur is divide and conquer because even Africans now think that they are better than other Africans when we are all facing the same problem: Divide and conquer.
You see, History repeats itself. The two major issues that have plagued the world since its existence have been religion and politics; they continue to remain so because the Christains believe that Muslims are harmful failing to realize that Islam is a peaceful religion; if they had read the Quran they would have known that. Colonialism has everyone bitter; Africans fightingover miniscule matters and ex-colonists laughing at the condition they left the nations.

I lose the one i love to Death!

i'm lost without you because you are me. my soul yearns for the one that it will lose since the day will come when me and you are no longer we. so what do we do? do we tie the knot knowing we are bound to lose each other to this play that we call our life. because this world is our stage and we are merely its characters. death finds all and death will make me lose you and you lose me. thus death is my enemy. i can overcome any enemy except for death. i guess that is why wedding vows state "till death do us part." can i marry u knowing that to death i will lose u??

Greekdom

The world of African American Greeks is really interesting because even as a Greek i feel like I don't belong. I'm an insider but also an outsider maybe because of the different levels in my personality. I have been a member of my prestigious sorority for almost 3 years now and I feel like so much has changed within the Greek World. I honestly believe that most people who have entered and will continue to enter the wonderful world of Greekdom are joining for the wrong reason. Strolling or Strutting is not all we do. Running our organizations is a business; if you are not business minded or not willing to learn how to run a business , then Greek Life is not for you. If you are not willing to attend community service, Greek Life is not for you. Now, if you have to work and pay your bills, if you had a test the day before and you really want to just sleep in this one Saturday, I completely understand. What I do not understand and refuse to understand is continuous tardiness or absences. You were present at every event and actually on time before you joined my organization, probably one of the reasons we picked you, so why is it that i have to call you every time we have an event to remind you of the event.
I have also noticed that people are joining Greek Life in order to attain some sort of status on their college campus. I want to understand their status while in college will help them get into the real world but it will be a distant dream in 6 months. Instead of asking what the organization can do for you, ask yourself what you can do for the organization.
So much more to say but not enough time, there will be a very detailed Part 2!!

Speaking=Art?

A close friend of mine once told me that i have been graced with the art of speaking. I quietly contemplate that everyday now. Is speaking an art?

The imperfection of the world and all its objects.

Amid singing praises for people that I honestly thought were doing well for themselves and the people around them, I'm disappointed again by the human being. Reality has set upon me so now I have accepted what I've always known, Noone is Perfect. Imperfection is what makes us human; I love imperfection because it makes me stand out from everyone else. If the world was perfect what would we ever learn from each other??? Imperfection can be both good and bad; when you see the bad like I have over the past month, that's when you tell yourself that actions speak louder than words and move on. I have also realized to defend only myself because you will again be disappointed by the ones you defend. People pick their battles, you can't fight their battles for them.
I have started making changes in my lifestyle; eating habits have completely changed. I need to be healthy; over the past 6 weeks I have lost 17 pds which is a great achievement for me because i had started to give up last year on the weight loss. 6 weeks ago is the biggest I've ever been. I remember sharing jeans with my sister in high school cause i fit them, now, i have to lose at least another 40 to get to my goal. Graduation is in August, looking forward to getting out of here. Hopefully Japan will workout because i really want to get away from here, somewhere far away from here, where no one knows who i am and i don't know them either.
I went out with the girls last night, had an alright time, realized that i don't like crowded places. I get easily paranoid, saw some familiar faces and got annonyed even more. I'm tired of the same crowd, sad part is that I don't even go out that much. The last time I was at a Grown and Sexy was January, now isn't that sad??? Been doing a lot more poetry lately, performance wise, i still got to polish my skills though. I also need to start writing more. Junichi has been a great inspiration because when he talks, you want to listen. I'm just tired of the ignorant people who cannot keep their mouths shut while people are speaking about women empowering women or how a man should treat a woman. People don't seem to appreciate the art of spoken word.
Four weddings this summer that I'm not ready for. Dresses, hair, makeup, shoes. All a hassle to put up a front. I ask myself, why all the buzz about somebody else's wedding????