I miss........

I miss Ethiopia. I miss not having to wake up in the morning for either school or work, therfore, i miss the summers from my childhood. I miss reading. I still read, just not as much. I miss playing. I still play around, just not that meaningless playing with your friends where your imagination runs wild. I miss being smart. I believe that i'm a smart person, just not as smart as i was growing up. I used to read historical and political books when i was 12. I miss the 7 months i spent in Eritrea. I did nothing but spend time with friends and family. I miss true friendship. I miss watching Tom & Jerry, Power Rangers, The Cosby Show, A Different World, Boy Meets World. I miss 90's R&B: Xscape, Jodeci, RKelly, EnVogue, Ginuwine, BlackStreet and more. I miss living at home. I miss not having to worrying about paying next month's rent. I miss Houston. I miss affection. I miss stability. I miss comfort.
Basically, I miss my past, because I'm annoyed by my present and I'm not sure about my future!!

God is Good!!

So on Tuesday, I go on campus since there was a hip-hop feminist speaking and really wanted to hear what she had to say. Had a great time with my friend, Debbie and we both decided to stop by Starbucks before we went our seperate ways for the night. We walked by the newspaper stand so i picked up a copy of The Shorthorn (UTA's newspaper) and started reading the front page and saw that they were having a Career Fair. I have been looking for a job on Monster, HotJobs and CareerBuilder and had started giving up on the search. By the time i read about the career fair, it was already 10 p.m but u decided to go ahead and print some resumes and try my luck at the career fair. I get to the fair at 11 a.m, the first company I talked to was Target. They gave me some info on the company, told me to apply for the Executive Team Leader position and that i would get a call by the end of next week. Now you might think that this is not a big deal, but it was a big deal to me because i saw this whole event as a sign from God. God was telling me not to give up so fast. The reason i say that is because my mentor, Mr. Henry, works for Target and i ended up talking to him yesterday, he encouraged me to apply for the position and even gave me his Employee Id # for the referral. So i say God is Good because everything that transpired yesterday was God's work. I had nothing to do with it, God knew what position i am in and he blessed me.
So say it with me.........God is Good, All the Time.........All the Time, God is Good!!!
When i get that job, I'm going to make God and my mom proud!!!!!!
And i forgot to add that my sis, Abby, has an interview tomorrow, God is really Good!!!!

Search..... and you shall find a better you!!

I have been searching for something all my life; what that something is i am yet to find out. I guess the search is what makes us all human, looking for that something that will give us that sense of achievement. The most important search in life is the search for oneself. You need to able to find yourself in the midst of the chaos of daily life since you don't want your search to be effortless. Once you have found yourself, u can go for more searching. Your searches will lead you to both success and failure, happiness and sadness but most importantly your search will make a difference when death comes knocking at your door. Life is full of searching and by searching you reach multiple goals whether you like it or not. Every chapter of your life has been reached after searching. So as i search to see where my life will lead me next, i wonder if u are searching along with me!!!

Passion dying away!!

Every day that passes me by, i feel even emptier inside. My passion seems to die with every moment that slips through the cracks of my hands. Recent achievements seem worthless. Degrees are just pieces of paper, nothing more, nothing less. Friendship means so much to me but is so overrated for others, thus friendship is overrated. Loyalty might be important to me but not so important to others and so every day my feelings seem to get crushed. I feel like i'm digging a hole for myself. There is no one here to save me but myself but i'm constantly losing myself. My life has been swallowed by a giant whale that doesn't know where its headed, it hungers for more though. My soul seems to survive through all the pain and heartbreak, i don't know how. I guess that's what makes me a strong person. I just want to escape for a while, go somewhere far away from here and just relax.

Frustration!!

I feel like my degree is worth nothing. I have applied for so many jobs and i am yet to hear from them. I tired. I don't know what to do. Money is running short. I just want to get a job that will pay me enough to survive until January when hopefully i will start teaching. I guess i always want everything to go my way but it can't happen like that all the time!!
I'm at work, doing nothing but feeling frustrated by the minute.
I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, my hair will be really short for the first time in my life and i'm kind of excited!!

Same Shit, Different Day!!!

Even though i have lost 40 pounds since January, i still feel very ugly. Actually, I don't think i've ever felt this deep wave of ugliness ever. Everyday, i feel myself become lonely. Everyday starts of to be great but something happens and again i am attacked with a wave of emotions. i'm scared i'm going to end up by myself for the rest of my life.
What do i want from life??
I need to answer that question first, but most importantly i need to be happy.
I haven't been happy in a long time!!

Undergraduate life is over!! Real world here i come!!

As of August 11th, 2007, I'm officially a graduate from the University of Texas in Arlington with a B.A in History and a minor in Womens' Studies. 5 years and 1000's of dollars later, all I got when I walked across the stage was a piece of paper with University of Texas in Arlington on it. It didn't even have my name on the inside. I'm going to miss college, miss the parties, miss sorority life and I surely will miss some of the people I have met over the past few years. The time has come for me to move on to bigger and better things, to improve my life in anyway possible. I will be starting my certification classes soon so hopefully I can start teaching by January. It is a change I need to get used to. Anything that has occured in my life has occured in 7's. I was 7 when I moved from Abu Dhabi to Addis Ababa. 7 years later, I moved to Eritrea. 7 months after that, I moved to Houston. 7 years later, I have graduated from college.
I guess the question remains: 7 yrs from now, what event will occur in my life???
Hopefully, what every young lady dreams about, a beautiful wedding!! If not, I will settle for a Ph.d and a trip to Egypt!!!
Sounds exciting!!

Falling!

In a matter of minutes, I am overcome with a wave of emotions.
I don't know how to deal with it so i continue to worry about things i have no control over.
I need help in so many aspects of my life, i need somebody to reach out to.
I reach out and i feel nothing.
I'm falling with nobody to rescue me.
I'm falling into an endless pit.

what the world does to me

the world makes me change in a way i don't expect
like the process of aging
that really is getting to me
but i'm only 24
and i'm tired of partying!!
i'm tired of meeting new people, now that really is a big change!!
i get embarrased way easily now
i drink a lot less
weigh a lot more
stress a lot more and
date a lot less
change is funny
makes me wonder what i'll be like in the ten years
when the world continues to do what it does to me

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Life is hard.
I feel myself going into a rut again.
I really am complaining about things that i have no control over.
Death was the easy way out for him.
And he choose it so quickly.

Back to Black!!

U go back to her and i go back to black...... i fade away from ur memory so quick that our many adventures together become your many adventures with her......U go back to her and i go back to black..... ur ship has long sailed away but i still stand at bay waiting for u to come back....... U go back to her and i go back to black...... its like waiting at the airport for a loved one to arrive just to hear that their flight got cancelled......U go back to her and i go back to black.....all hope has done is leave me hopeless.......U go back to her and i go back to black....our future together has slippped through the cracks......U go back to her and i go back to black!!!

Continous cycle of depression!

i love my life as much as i hate it.
i'm tired.

Better.

I feel as if my week is off to a good start. Dropped Abby off at her internship @ 8:30 a.m and went walking with Adrienne. I feel energized eventhough i didn't get enough sleep last night. Went to class late but my teacher is cool, really laid back. Now i'm at work. Also weighed myself this morning and i believe i have gained 2 pounds. I'm not even frustrated about it because i know that i can correct it. I have adopted a lifestyle that is making me happy and i know that i will gain some pounds here and there; all i have to do is work on it. I'm @ 190 pds right now. I'm proud of what i have accomplished over the past few months. I haven't made time to write poetry in the past month or two; i don't want to force it. Most of the time i do way better with my writing when it comes naturally.
I was thinking about my family today; its funny how they try to protect from the world and end up harming u in the same instant.
Abby will have her car by next weekend i believe. I can take the Honda to the shop.
Very boring weekend, went to work and went to sleep. Friday night i was being pampered by my dear friend, Adrienne, she did my hair and i feel asleep @ her place. Was raining outside. Woke up @ 6 a.m to go home and get ready for work.
I want to use big words!!

Past couple of days.

I have been feeling lost these past couple of days, confused on what I'm going to do after graduation if I don't get a teaching job. I was thinking a lot about my dad last night because i still have some animosity towards him. Its been a year and a half since he passed away, its also been almost 17 years since i last saw him. My mother was my father and mother; she did a great job raising us. She deserves way better than what life has given her. Graduation is a celebration for her, not me. Hopefully she is proud of the girls that she raised.
I have a dream that one day............. I really don't know. I know I have a dream; I just can't seem to find it. I have not dreamt in such a long time; all my positive thoughts have become a distant and hazy memory.
All things, whether good or bad, come to an end.
I think i have lost faith!!

Life.....Death....Love......Hope.......Faith.......Happiness

Perception of Life changes with every year that ends, with every mission we embark on, we realize that our outlook on certain things change. I have grown into a completely different person. Mature yet childlike i believe. I still have a problem with acceptance. I want to be accepted by my family now more than ever. I don't even care about the outside world just my family. I am so different from everyone else, i feel that every time i turn around, i am being made fun off. I am still so very sensitive when it comes to my family , i can't help it though. I have forgotten how it feels to have faith and trust in somebody..... I'm way better than Abby..... but i'm getting there. Happiness has become a lost cause, a fleeting dream. Every morning i wake up to sirens in my ear telling me that i will amount to nothing. Should i believe that?? Should i believe that i will amount to nothing???
Weddings galore this summer and next year, I'm really not ready for the emotions!!!
Graduation around the corner warning me that i might be jobless come August!!!
I will officially go broke then.
I miss feeling wanted. I miss feeling appreciated.
I miss me. I have lost me somewhere in this world of many other me's and i can't seem to find me.
I can never figure it out.
Why is it that everyone has a boyfriend but me???
Sitting here daydreamin that love will eventually find me, the sad part is, i don't even know what love is anymore.
All hope is lost for this one.

Death is a way of life....My story is worth a verse.....Got this one from Mike-E when he did "Mezeker means to Rememeber" on Def Jam Poetry!!

in the event of the demise of the poet!!

in the event of the demise of the poet, i urge u to pick up a pen and write. write about your yesterday, your today and your tomorrow. since tomorrow was never promised to the poet realize that it is not promised to you either so just pick up a pen and write. write about the wrong doings of mankind towards the earth we walk on. write about polgamy, misgony and pornography. in the event of the demise of the poet, become the poet. realize that money isn't what makes the world go round, words do. write about the richness of the land of Egypt, write about racism. realize that race is a word constructed by a certain race to dominate another race, to make the other race weaker when really it is the other way around. write about the beauty of love. write about how u fell in love. write about how u feel out of love. in the event of the demise of the poet, i urge u to pick up a pen and write. realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder so your ugly is my beautiful. write about how ugly drugs are and how beautiful death is. write about how death can empower one to do better for themselves. realize that the death of the poet is what has made u the poet. in the event of the demise of the poet, i urge u to pick up a pen and write. write about your yesterday, your today and your tomorrow. since tomorrow was never promised to the poet realize that it is not promised to you so just pick up a pen and write.

Tugging at my heart!!

If this was a different world, i would be in love with you and you with me. Imagination lets me wander into a world were me and you meet; its the perfect occasion. I'm the pretty girl at the bar getting a glass of wine and u notice me from a distance; u don't say a word to your friends but just get up and come towards me because u don't want someone to grab my attention before u do. I'm sipping on my glass watching and listening to the jazz band play some soothing blues melody when u approach me and u have already figured out that there is an attraction. u are my type of guy and i thank god under my breath. that chance meeting ends us in a whirlworld romance and a year later, u want to make me your wife.
How naive of me to imagine all of this and forget the tribulations that come with every relationship. The perfectionist in me wants the perfect spouse but i'll never find that. Can't even find someone who likes me for me. Not changing my personality for somebody else but need to get rid of my flaws. To think that my imaginary love will come true is just that; imaginary. So while i sit here and wait for this imaginary spouse, many a perfect man have slipped through the cracks of my life and have left me lonely. Desperate was never the name of my game.
I just want peace, i want to get away to some place where i don't want to feel the pressure of having companionship.

Everyday life!!

I have not been writing much, not on my blog or my diary. I have become consumed with my weight loss because it has been a long time since I have seen my physical self in a positive way. So I'm at work, should be doing my french homework since i'm in the downstairs office but i don't seem to have the energy to do anything these days. I'm so ready for graduation. Hopefully i can get one of these overseas jobs so i can get out of here.
Its sad to hear that someone from your highschool passed away. Shalonda was a very vibrant person, the last time i talked to her was my freshmen year of college. She had a great personality. She will be greatly missed.
I'm tired of running into the same old people, i'm tired of the negativty that sorority life sometimes brings along with it, i'm tired of people thinking that they are better than everyone else, i'm tired of men putting their hands on women, i'm tired of men cheating on their girlfriends, i'm tired of girlfriends cheating on their men, i'm tired of being friends with people who don't even care about me, i'm tired of loving people and not being loved back, i'm tired of being something that i'm not.
Its funny to hear from your own brother that u're too strong or aggressive for a guy, what a shame, i have to change my personality just to find a man.

If it was up to me

If it was up to me, my mom would be the Queen of Egypt, and i would be the courts official poet cause i was blessed by the God of the sun, moon and stars with the artistic ability to put words together and make something so intricate, so simple. My mom would be proud of her first born cause i would be nourshing our seemingly ignorant population with the knowledge of the ones that passed. If it was up to me, my mom would still be young with a husband who actually did not beat her because she took their kids on a trip since he could not do it. They would still be husband and wife, and I, would be their poetically inclined daughter recounting many books that i wrote, in my imagination, i would have seen my father before he passed to tell him what a punk he is, was and will continue to be. If it was up to me, i would have made sure that he didn't pick the easy way out, u see, death is the easy way out, but to me he died the day that i left him and never saw him again. To me he died, the day he gave up on the two daughters he had with this amazingly beautiful and strong Eritrean woman who would have done anything for their daughters. To me he died, like a man who had never lived therefore making him nonexistent in my existence. If it was up to me, i would be proud of who i am, my father's daughter but instead i deny the every drop of blood of his family in me cause he was never my father. If it was up to me, he would a joyous memory of love, hope and family but instead he becomes a memory that i want to flee cause he brings me nothing but heartache, despair and disillusion. If it was up to me, i would not be as cruel to him right now as he was to me.

Divide and Conquer: History repeats itself.

This piece needs a lot more work but here it goes!!!

History repeats itself i say. Divide and Conquer is the game they played cause they knew they could control our minds. Actually, we choose to let them control our feeble thinking brains, we listened to them tell us that light skin is the best skin and the lighter we are the cuter our kids will be. This is how we are conditioned to think, and the hypocrite in me believes it. 99 was a very good year for me cause i moved to the land of oppurtunity but i now know that this land has no oppurtunity for me cause i'm not white enough. i'm not black enough either. When i talk to someone of another race, i'm too black and when i talk to someone darker than me, i'm not black enough cause i have a CLIPPED british accent, at least that's what my boss told me when a couple of days ago a client complained to him about my GHETTONESS. So i stay confused cause i don't have an identity to give everyone else but what matters the most is that i know myself.
Its sad to say that i didn't learn much about history in class, most of what i learned came from reading books with historical accounts of the Beta Israel Jews that lived in Ethiopia for decades and no one knew of their existence because divide and conquer was the game that was played. Divide and conquer was the game that was played when Egyptians keep on thinking that they are Arab when they really are African cause they exist on the African continent and just where influenced by the Middle East. The reason for Darfur is divide and conquer because even Africans now think that they are better than other Africans when we are all facing the same problem: Divide and conquer.
You see, History repeats itself. The two major issues that have plagued the world since its existence have been religion and politics; they continue to remain so because the Christains believe that Muslims are harmful failing to realize that Islam is a peaceful religion; if they had read the Quran they would have known that. Colonialism has everyone bitter; Africans fightingover miniscule matters and ex-colonists laughing at the condition they left the nations.