An quiet Christmas!!

Usually for Christmas, we go to Houston to spend time with the whole fam but since Abby (my younger sis) and I had to work, we just went to Dallas to my uncle's house. My mom cooked some good Italian food for Christmas Eve and some even better Eritrean food for Christmas Day. We also went to see the other uncle which pissed me off because he still hasn't said shit about my dad's passing and it's been a year. The kids are so cute though. Naomi and Nate are going to be real cute when they get older. The year is coming to an end and i need to blog more often next year. I don't know what i'm doing for New Year's Eve since i have to work that day and on the 1st which is fine since i need the money to pay my bills. Graduation is quickly approaching and i need to test out of French so i can register for the rest of my classes. I'll probably smoke a hookah tonite with Abby since i don't have to work tomorrow. Hopefully i won't get called in and if i do its more money!!Besides the point, we went out with Eden this weekend and had a blast. I can't drink like i used to which is a good thing, i had a glass of wine, crown and coke and a beer, that was it, ended up throwing up when i got home. I felt so ugly when we were leaving the apartment cause my hair wouldn't cooperate and my weight has been bothering me even more lately. I have to make weight loss my New Year's resolution. i realized this weekend that my life needs to get better. I mean, its good right now, but i have to strive to make it better when i graduate. There are things i need to take care of like my mother, i don't want her to work for more than 2 years after i graduate, if she does, it just needs to be part time. My mom never lived her life because my dad crushed her but she is such a strong person. I wish i had her strength. she took care of us by any means neccessary and she is about to see us accomplish one of our dreams, graduating from college in May of 2007. The real world awaits.
Hopefully, the real world won't eat me alive!!

Just aimless poetry!!

distant but the rising sun makes my heart yearn for the ones from my past.
distant but the rising sun makes my heart yearn for the ones in my present.
distant but the rising sun makes my heart yearn for the ones in my future.
while my heart is yearning for more, the sun has rose and set, the day has come and gone and while my heart is yearning for more, the ones from my present have become the past and the ones from my future have become the present and i start to despise Father Time for that. while my heart is yearning for more, the sun has rose and set, and another day has come and gone and my many loves have become my many hates and my loved ones have passed to a better place and i start the despise Father Time for that. while my heart is yearning for more, the sun sets and gives me time to recuperate from the losses i suffered today. sleepless night i say. distant but the rising sun has graced upon me many blessings and downfalls because i make material things matter. why can't the clothes at Target be good enough??? Never enough, i want more but the distant but rising sun makes my heart yearn for nothing less than more!!! More loves, more hates, more clothes, more shoes, more trips, more you!!
distant but the rising sun, i'm aimless while writing about u!

HE IS ME AND I AM HIM!!

There is no love between me and you because i choose to believe that love does not exist. He chuckles. He stands up and looks me in the eyes, no tears, just a look of despair. I have denied him entry into the soul that he has been wanting for ages, a soul that has been yearning for its mate but yet i look him in the eye and tell him that i can't love him. that's not a sufficent reason he tells me. He tells me that the fact that i choose to believe that love does not exist is not a sufficent reason for us to go our seperate ways. and i admit to myself that its not. for the past few years he has been the every reason for my existence, my monotonus existence became a fullfilled life because of him. He continues to stare me in the eye. He knows how to look into the depths of my being, places i have never been before, he has been to since i've let him. The one thing that he wants i can't give and he can't take because he has to be permitted to do so. He pauses, looks around for a minute and says u write about me everyday so u've already opened the doors to your soul. Love does exist he says because you put pen to paper and write about me for hours at a time. love does exist since i am poetry and u have made me. to know me is to love me he says. and i admit to myself that he is true. the man i love is poetry and he has made me me. i love him as if he was my father, brother, husband, son because he is me and i am him
- OuT

I write of poetry as a man just to show the relation i have to it, i'm married to it. I will always see its feminine side because i'm female but for right now, my husband awaits!!

Happiness will be pursued but only possibly attained!!

i have this itch to move cities. Actually its an itch to move away from this continent. Going back to Africa sounds so good right now. it would be such a culture shock to go back to Asmara and see the cousins. i want to go to Cairo, maybe even, Abu Dhabi, the land of my birth and experience life all over again. everyday seems to run into the other nowadays, why do i feel like this??? 2006 has been a blessed year and i can only thank God for that, i had my ups and downs but God has shown me through the darkness into the light. I'm thankful for everyone around me and i pray for my loved ones. My prayers were getting a little selfish, i was only praying for myself. I pray for all the ones that i know because everyone deserves a prayer even me. So continue to pray for me.
i'm not happy with my weight anymore, i have to change it. i have to go back to my precollege weight. i can't help but look at pictures and cry sometimes. i have been complaining about not getting any attention from guys in the past year and the problem, i believe, is my weight gain. i can't lie to myself anymore, i just want to feel beautiful again, i just want to be comfortable in my own skin. its funny four years ago i would have looked at someone at my weight as being fat, now, i have to say that to myself.
What we will do for THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS!!!

Hate is such a strong word!!!

Hate: an emotion of intense revulsion, distaste, enmity, or antipathy for a person thing or phenomenon. Its funny how i have been hearing this word so much over the past 2 days; its funnier because it is coming from a person who i thought was my friend. I told this person that i wanted to salvage my friendship with me, she agreed, but told other people that she hated living in my apartment. I guess i trust my friends too much. what is there to hate when u live in an apartment for free, do nothing but sleep and don't have to deal with the people u live with for more than an hour.
I feel frustrated, betrayed, used, abused, disrespected, humilated by a person who i though was a close friend of mine.
Forgiveness is the key. Being the bigger person is the key.

The Beauty of Poetry

the beauty of poetry is the fact that it lets you express how u feel. I love it!!! I haven't dabbled with my writing in a while because i was ashamed, scared that people might laugh at me but who cares, I am me. anyone who calls me a friend should know how much i love poetry. Here goes a piece i wrote 2 minutes ago, don't know why but i felt like it. to those who read this, i just want u to leave a comment, u can critique me as much as u want to, that doesn't kill me, it just makes me stronger. the poem is untitled.

In a world where
hate and sorrow
live
breathe
sleep
side by side
I spit in the face of danger
Violence when commited
Angers me
Guns don't only kill who they intend to
they kill the soul of the unintended
I spit in the face of danger
for the sole reason
that Danger spits at me
Every morning i wake up
Give my praises to the Lord
In a world where
hate and sorrow
live
breathe
sleep
side by side.

And I'm out!!!

Freedom....does such a thing exist???

The Spirit of July 4th is in the air and it got me thinking, does freedom really exist? we live in one of the major powers in the world yet i do not feel a sense of it, freedom. Now don't get me wrong, i have lived in countries where expressing your political thoughts got u in jail, no freedom of speech, no freedom of press, no freeedom of anything. Well, we do have feedom of speech in the wonderful continent of the U.S of A but is it enough???Do we call this freedom when every day we are scared of another terriost attack? I wonder how the Jews of Israel and Muslims of Palestine feel everyday knowing that a suicide bomber is inevitable.Walking down the street thinking is it my turn today.
So are we really free? We live in a society were the color of our skin can get us a job or not. Racism still exists. Poverty still exists. We are stuck in a mindless war in Iraq, to tell u the truth, i don't even remmber why we invaded that country. Was it becuse they had weapons of mass destruction or that we needed oil or that George Bush Jr. wanted to finish off something George Bush Sr. started? Does freedom really exist when we live in a society were stereotyping is a way of life? Does freedom really exist when your government is telling you that they have the right to tap your phones and e-mail account, God, what happened to something that American values the most, privacy!!!! Does freedom really exist when u have to watch what u say about the President? Does freedom really exist when the government takes money from us in the name of tax that we will nvever to see again?
Ask yourself when u wake up Tuesday morning if u really are free.

Emotional despair

this world is full of emotional despair. i felt that after watching "Hotel Rwanda" a couple of nites ago. don't jump on me cause it took me this long to watch it but i did watch "Sometimes in April" which was based on the genocide in Rwanda and it was even more graphic than "Hotel Rwanda". Now to my main point.
being a human, u will every emotion out there, sadness, happiness, anxiety, despair, loneliness but the one that u will never completely feel is Peace. why is that? even if u did feel peace it doesn't stay for that long. it would do wonders for all humans to feel peace for a longer period of time but it's impossuble. it's impossible because we drag every emotion that we ever had in the past to the present and to the future. so even if we do feel a drop a peace it is overcome by our emotional despair!!!
I'm out!!

Self-Reliance

so i decided to read self-reliance by RALPH WALDO EMERSON in order to understand some concepts of life. the great thing was that it reaffirmed how i feel and how i should live my life. Emerson writes that we should not be dictated by the world, we should do what makes us happy. He states that there will always be people who think they know what we need to do better than we do but the whole concept is to Trust yourself. then i remembered ROBERT FROST in THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED in which he states
"Two roads diverged in the woods and I, I took the road less traveled." we need to learn to take risks in life, if not, how boring would our lives be. I don't want to die without accomplishing my dreams, in order to do so, i have to take some risks. Taking risks leads me back to SELF-RELIANCE!!!!

people who abuse friendships!!!!

ok, so i really that it's not always going to be rosy with your friends. a lot of things have been going on between some people that i'm very close to that has been upsetting me. one is it that people abuse the friendships that i have??? let me state a situation that happened to me and my sister; we feel very disrespected by this person; i'm not going to mention names so i'll just use initials.
M and her boyfriend breakup, she leaves the house they have shared for the last 2 yrs and starts calling some people to see if she can stay the night there. it's 2a.m so peeps are knocked out. she calls me, asks to spend the night, i say ok. she spends the night and leaves the next day. didn't hear from her until she wanted her charger. wanted me to leave it outside of my apt, so i did. doesn't call me but a few weeks later shows up at my apt when she finds out that her bestfriend was at my place. walks in and leaves without acknowledging me or my sis, matter of fact, asks another one of our friends to bring her purse down to the car since she had already walked out. haven't heard from her in a couple of weeks. M and her bestfriend have a falling out. bestfriend brings up the way M treats all her friends including the one's that she had stayed the night at. M states that the reason she has not called me or my sis is because we "are not friends like that". ok, does anyone see a problem??? if we "are not friends like that" why call and ask me if u can stay the night?? the many times she needed to study before class, M would call me and ask to study at my apt. so we "are not friends like that" after all the times that i opened my doors and accepted her into my house???? besides the point, M tells bestfriend that she would apologize to me and my sis the next time she sees us. we run into each other the next day, my sis and I smile and wave at her and try to speak to her. she treats us like we are her classmates, people she only talks to when she needs something. i'm not mad because she didn't call me to say thankyou, its her comment about how we "are not friends like that, i don't talk to them like that" that threw me over the wall. if u don't talk to me like that, why the hell did she call me to stay the night at my crib????????
why again do we abuse the friendships that we make in our lifetime??

Intoxicated, High of life for no reason!!!

I thank GOD for 2006. it has been going well so far. i'm so blessed to be where i'm at right now eventhough i feel stuck when it comes to the fact that i'm graduating at the end of this yr and don't know what i'm going to be doing. last yr was not good for me at all, i was not at peace with myself for one reason of the other. my father whom i had not seen in almost 15 yrs passed away and it hit me like a ton of bricks. i didn't cry for him, i cried for my mother. i remember watching him beat her up against a wall when i was only 5. its funny how that is the only memory i have of him. i finally got my car and a new job. i love it, the people are nice and i'm my usual talkative self around them. no guys in the picture as of right now except for dude from denver who i talk to once every a couple of weeks, he makes funny comments about us dating, he won't come out and say anything directly but who cares. I have cut down my partying habits, i'm saving money by doing so.
I have grown so much in the last couple of months, i have learned that only a certain amount of people are looking out for me. i love the idea of loving my friends and i mean that in every way. I'm high of life for the simple reason of how this yr is going, positive right now, and God-willing it will stay on this path. "living my life like it's golden" jill scott!!!

Amid the talk about gas prices and immigration reform, how do we forget about...........

Tuition raises???? I'm so sick and tired of reading The Shorthorn (UTA's newspaper, for those who don't know) at the middle of every semester to find out that tuition is going up again. I remember my freshman year (Fall 2002) paying just $1,800. Now, they (UTA's administration) has the nerve to tell me that i have to pay close to $3,000 for 12 hrs. Ok, is this supposed to rush me to graduation date???? What about the people who work full time and go to school part time who are abundant at UTA??? So while we sit in our poli sci classes debating on what should happen to the illegal immigrants, let's ask ourselves how we are going to survive another tuition raise!!!!