Pissed.....

Its funny how the people you love the most can bring out the best and worst of you in a matter of seconds....suddenly, the world revolves around them and the laughs you guys shared a couple of minutes ago is nothing but a distant memory....which one of you will say their mind? which one will back down? which one is right? which one is wrong? at this point, it doesn't matter to me.....i feel like shit....

"in most of your talking, thinking is half-murdered"- Khalil Gibran

Sometimes I wonder if people are offended by my bluntness...if they are, I am sorry...but most of the time i could careless...I inhertied the gene from my mother who believes that speaking your mind is the key to survival...and since this world is based on survival of the fittest, I continue to speak my mind...I have no intention to fit in, I have every intention to stand out...I am who i am and not who they want me to be...They want me to be like them....but they don't even realize what them stands for...if its so hard to accept me, then let me be...Stop mistaking my bluntness for rudeness...Do understand it as my truth...You should try accepting it as your truth as well...But since its very evident that my truth hurts, please continue to ignore it...Cause I continue to pay you no mind...Since I am who I am and not who you want me to be...Persuade yourself to believe that you are better than me since you fit in ...And while you carry conversations about how rude i am, let my bluntness remind you that "in most of your talking, thinking is half-murdered."

I want to be like....

I want to be like Frost so I can take the road less travelled
in the hopes of finding myself
cause with every year that comes around
I lose myself in the year that passed me by
I want to be like Emerson so I can take the road of self-reliance
in the hopes of losing dependence
cause with every sip of alcohol I take
I lose myself in the year that passed him by
You see, I would rather be like Frost and Emerson
cause I fear that someday i will become like him
Lately it seems that fatherhood is a road less travelled by many men
refusing to become self-reliant and depending on women to raise their sons
forgetting what part they played 9 months ago to create a child
a child that will bear their last name but will never know them
So i choose to have my name changed to Feven Frost Emerson
cause the one I have right now brings back bitter memories
I'm tired of being tied down to a hopeless name
So i choose to take the road less travelled and find self-reliance along the way.

Khalil Gibran

You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts; And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a past time. And in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered.

-Khalil Gibran

Overwhelm me!

Cause you overwhelm me
I need to care less
want to be careless
but you won't allow it
so i continue to care more
Cause you overwhelm me
go to sleep inspired
wake up discouraged
Cause you overwhelm me
something is always missing
need to solve the puzzle
but where are all the pieces?
Cause you overwhelm me
waiting for all the pieces to come to place

Untitled

It's that feeling you have when you know it's over.....eventhough you don't want it to end.....wishing you could turn back the hands of time.....but you can't work against the forces of nature.....so you just let go....realize how tired you have become from trying to pull.....accept that you are lonely....wonder if it will be like this forever....imagine what it would be like if you had someone.....but you have nothing to compare it to......cause you have never had anyone....you have always been alone.....maybe you are meant to be alone.....start wondering if there is something wrong with you....and you realize that there is....the problem is THEM.

My Sweet Love

One of my friends' happens to be a hip-hop artist/producer who goes by HashBrown....did a song called Love Supreme after sampling Anita Baker's "Sweet Love"....i heard the sample and go inspired.....the results of my inspiration are as follows....ENJOY!


I love hip-hop cause she is so simple and pure
but still intricate as ever
she knows me like no other
was there for me when rock bottom was all i could see
was down for me when i wasn't down for myself
however i'm not down for hip hop's new age
cause her value has been lost
in the search for money and power
eventhough HashBrown, The Council and T.H.E.M remind me of her finest hour
flashy words don't make me falter
so while dudes are trying to make money off her
i'm wanting to get high off her
i'm lost without her
and she is not the same without me
like Common said "i used to love h.e.r"
funny thiing is, i still do
she is still MY SWEET LOVE

Failure!

I hate failing....
but i guess it's a process of life...
so i'm always down for a second try.

My intro to my late 20's

I had a great bday....had a good time with all my peeps....too much drinking involved as usual....thursday had a girls night....friday had a great time @ dave and busters....recieved a couple of sentimental presents....which reminded me of how long i've known some of the people who were there last night...felt lots of love....saturday recieved a bouquet of flowers from a special someone that made me smile all day....unexpected i might add....whole point of the blog being that i had a good time....felt loved....a couple of people that are important to me were missing.....not by choice....just cause of distance.....anyways this is my way of saying thank you for another wonderful birthday to my family and friends.....the lord willing ill be turning 27 in exactly a year....and you will have to read one of these all over again....
Ciao...

Tonight's Feel (Expanded)

Late Night Conversations
Early Morning Rendezvous
Showers filled with Passion
Kisses filled with Lust
That lead to more than just kisses
Imagination running Wild
I Love, You Love
We Love
Kiss Me, Hold Me, Touch Me
Make Me Yours Tonight
Tonight's Feel
Tonight's Feel should be everlasting
Tonight's Feel should be every day's feel
Tonight's Feel is You and Me......becoming us
Tonight's Feel.

Living in Confusion

Living in confusion.......wishing things would be different....praying that my wishes come true...i wonder why they won't....am i not believing in us hard enough?.....or is it that you are preoccupied with someone else?.....i would rather it be the first not the latter but as usual luck is not on my side....so the latter it is.....i have waited long enough.....and i continue to wait....but there are no answers....just me in limbo waiting for some dramatic climax in our story as if we are in a novel.....but this is real life.....and either way i'm still stuck....so are you....wondering which one of us is going to let go first.....but we are hooked to each other.....we make it harder to let go when it should be so simple....its a neverending cycle.....what we have is unexplainable.....we choose not to define it.....but how can you define something that is forbidden.....you have someone else and I.....well I have noone.....he's just not that into me is what i tell myself.....but why won't i heed my own advice?......if i knew that answer, i wouldn't be writing this.......and if i didn't write this, you would never know.....I have come to accept that you and I will someday be.....that someday obviously is not today.....so i have to let you fly away as if you were a bird.....praying you will come back to me as if you were an angel sent from above.....but until that day comes, it's you and I just living in confusion.....

25 things to know about FevO that you did/didn't know

Got this idea from facebook and decided to put it on here......this is who i am....love me or leave me alone

1) I didn't learn a lot while in college, most of what i learned came from wikipedia.org (thanks go out to the genius who created it)
2) I love sci-fi movies
3) I love everything that has to do with History....especially North African and Middle Eastern.
4) For being a history major, i don't know a lot about Texas History.
5) I really want to teach in Japan.
6) The three times you should do as i say....when i'm sleepy, hungry and need to pee....please do not bother me, don't talk to me, just do as i say and all will be good.
7) I have been the U.S for 9 yrs.
8) I've lived in 2 African countries and the Middle East.
9) I speak proper English, i have an accent....i don't like it when people point these 2 things out......not that it makes me uncomfortable....just cause i want to say "ignorance is bliss"....but that would offend people so i just keep shut....usually...but then not.
10) I don't think i'll ever get married...if i do....i will be in my 30's.
11) I hate needles...i can't look @ the needle before, during or after getting a shot...i have no idea how i got my ears pierced 5 times
12) With that being said, i want to get my nose pierced badly...but mommy dearest would not be happy
13) I do watch the history channel
14) To a certain extent, i believe love is overrated
15) With that being said, I don't remember the last time i was in a relationship....matter of fact, never been in one....
15) My sis and me have been inseperable since she was born.
16) If i knew that i could definitely make a living out of writing that is exactly what i would do for the rest of my life
17) Besides teaching in Japan for a year, I want to make any city in Europe my permanent residence....preferably London or Amsterdam...
18) I used to be such a Party Animal....
19) I worry a lot about the people i love.....I worry a lot about things or people i can't change
20) I'm a sensitive soul....i take things personally....
21) I pray to God that when i do get married that it will the one and only time
22) With that being said, i pray to God that my bridesmaids throw me the greatest bachelorette party in the world....hint, hint ladies, you know who you are
23) I have been told that I'm too strong, too rude and too blunt for a man...been told i need a man to calm me down....the day that happens, hell must have broken loose.
24) I have a gained a greater appreciation for music over the past year or two
25) Some day, I will marry LUPE FIASCO........Until then, i will jam to him in the car and on the ipod constantly

Aging Gracefully

My 26th birthday is slowly approaching thus I'm going to be officially in my late 20s once Feb. 5th rolls around in exactly a week....i have no idea what i'm doing for my bday but thats besides the point of this blog.....i'm aging gracefully i must say....at least i think i am......anyway, the last couple of days have me reflecting on this past year.....and the past couple of birthdays......i was wasted for my 23rd, on a diet for my 24th and @ work on my 25th....my 25th was actually on Mardi Gras......besides the point, reflection is very much the key to life....
Since the time i was 7, my father has been missing from my birthdays......I realized that today actually...i had forgotten that he ever existed.....R.I.P......his absence has played a major impact on my life when it comes to my views of men and relationships.....i definitely have pushed many men away.....some deserved it while others deserved a chance.....the fact that im turning 26 and have never been in a serious relationship has been haunting me.....i really don't think there is anything wrong with me.......but i guess there is......i think im pretty attractive......
With all that being said, i do enjoy being single....i really do....i think the fact that everyone around me is getting engaged and married is freaking me out.....peer pressure is a bitch......i don't just want a boyfriend for the sake of having one.....i want the whole package.....but you have to be careful what you wish for....and i just don't want to share him with anyone.....hopefully thats not much to ask for....
I just want to continue aging gracefully...

Forever summer...

it's the smile on our face that i see every morning when i wake up....eventhough you are not beside me.....and i wonder....i wonder if you will come back to me.....never knowing if you were ever here......waiting for daylight to reveal itself.....maybe you will make an appearance along with it....or maybe not....but again your smile reminds me of my summers from years past.....hopefully i can remember it for my many summer's to come....living a constant dream....those summers.....when i wanted it to remain forever summer.....can i have them back?......will they bring you along?......so many questions.....not enough time for answers......so as usual, i keep on dreaming......waiting for my questions to be answered......wonder if they ever will.......until then, forever summer........

Loner

socially awkward....
i have become a loner.....and sometimes its great but sometimes.....
sometimes when i'm by myself....i think too much
too many memories from my past...
remember all my wrong doings.....
i start thinking about my present....how i would love to change it...
but i can't....things are easier said than done...
there is always something holding me back....
and my future......i don't know what it holds for me....
i'm tired of loving people.....knowing that in the end.....it will hurt
but the people that love you are not supposed to hurt you....
yeah right.....tell that to my dad.....
in a room full of people, i'm still the oddest one...
and i accept it....
socially awkward...

Did you vote?

I voted....
I voted for McCain....
I believe in Country First....
I believe that if McCain becomes president, Palin will still be a hockey mom......an Alaskan hockey mom that i can't stand
Thing is
I voted....but i didn't vote for McCain.....i voted for Obama......not cause he is black......but because he actually has some of my interests @ heart
You see, i believe Obama, but i'm scared.....
I'm scared cause Obama reminds me of myself....
You see, I'm a dreamer.......
Obama is a dreamer......but he is also a realist.......
It's funny how humans are two extremes........
Anyway go vote....you need to......come to make a change......

I quit......

I quit smoking as of October 29th, 2008......had my last cigarette on my way home after another exhausting day @ the job.....woke up the next morning and didn't have the energy to go to the gas station to buy a pack.....didn't want to pay the 5+ dollars that it costs to get them.....so i haven't smoked since then.....don't plan to.....i went out last night and wasn't even tempted to smoke even though i could there were people around smoking cigarette after cigarette........
Anyway......i decided to quit not only cause of how much they cost but i took my health into consideration.....i also need to grow up......smoking, i guess, has become a thing of the past for me and hopefully it will remain so.......

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm pretty good at hiding things....i usually have a smile on my face......for a long time, no one realized the pain within me until i started gaining weight......but even at that point, no one wanted to help.....no one wanted to know why.......they just wanted a quick fix......but even after the weight loss, some things within me haven't been fixed......and i wonder why?
I'm not as unhappy as i was a couple of years ago......im ok......could i be happier?.......sure...
I just don't know what would make me happy anymore......i do.....but i'm not sure of them...
I want to teach.......I want to write.......those 2 things would make me happy......
What scares me is if and when i do both, am i still going to be unhappy?

Silence

I'm tired of listening
but remaining unheard
so i'm going to stay quiet for a while
and see if any nobody can hear my silence

"Nigger" "Redneck"

So i work in collections....meaning that i'm the one person you hate to hear from......but if your car note is due and you are financed through the autofinance company that i work for, chances are you have heard from me before.....
now working for the company, i have to deal with people who don't want to pay their note......sometimes they make me feel like i forced them into the contract.....but if your credit sucks and you know you can't afford the car, don't get it......get a cheaper car......or just fuckin carpool.....that's what Bush told you to do anyway so you can save on gas.....anyway i've been called all kinds of names working for the company but "nigger" is just not what i want to hear on a daily basis.....
basically i work for a department where i constantly talk to the same customers over and over again because of the way the system is set up.....so i called this customer on Tuesday and he answered the phone and said "look here, nigger, stop calling here" and hung up on me.....he actually said it several times but the fact that he even said it startled the shit out of me....and he called me a "porch monkey" i might add...checked out his account and noticed that he had done the same thing to another one of my coworkers earlier that day (he is black)......anyway, the next day one of my other coworkers calls him and he was freakin nice as hell (she is half hispanic/half white).......i called him today.....he called me a "nigger" again @ the end of every sentence......
now i don't know how he could tell the difference between a "nigger" and a white person over the phone but all i know is that i realized that racism still exists and that ignorance obviously is bliss.....
for the people who know me, i'm very proper when it comes to speaking.....now i do understand sometimes when people say talking "black" or "white"......it might be the fact that as black people we use a lot of slang......but when i'm at work, i'm very professional.....quality assurance is a very serious aspect of my job and i don't plan on losing my job for my choice of words or how i present something to a customer.......
so when someone calls me a "nigger" and they don't even know what i look like.....i'm offended
so when someone calls me a "nigger" and they are just assuming that from my voice.....i'm offended.....
and the fucked up thing is that i've been called a "redneck" too
actually was told to "Vote for Obama"
the N.A.A.C.P actually had a funeral for the word.....they fail to realize that it won't help
Racism is prevalent, people
and i now its prevalent because just like my customer assumed i was black and called me a "nigger", i assumed he was a racist white man.......or should i say a fucking "redneck".