Failure!

I hate failing....
but i guess it's a process of life...
so i'm always down for a second try.

My intro to my late 20's

I had a great bday....had a good time with all my peeps....too much drinking involved as usual....thursday had a girls night....friday had a great time @ dave and busters....recieved a couple of sentimental presents....which reminded me of how long i've known some of the people who were there last night...felt lots of love....saturday recieved a bouquet of flowers from a special someone that made me smile all day....unexpected i might add....whole point of the blog being that i had a good time....felt loved....a couple of people that are important to me were missing.....not by choice....just cause of distance.....anyways this is my way of saying thank you for another wonderful birthday to my family and friends.....the lord willing ill be turning 27 in exactly a year....and you will have to read one of these all over again....
Ciao...

Tonight's Feel (Expanded)

Late Night Conversations
Early Morning Rendezvous
Showers filled with Passion
Kisses filled with Lust
That lead to more than just kisses
Imagination running Wild
I Love, You Love
We Love
Kiss Me, Hold Me, Touch Me
Make Me Yours Tonight
Tonight's Feel
Tonight's Feel should be everlasting
Tonight's Feel should be every day's feel
Tonight's Feel is You and Me......becoming us
Tonight's Feel.

Living in Confusion

Living in confusion.......wishing things would be different....praying that my wishes come true...i wonder why they won't....am i not believing in us hard enough?.....or is it that you are preoccupied with someone else?.....i would rather it be the first not the latter but as usual luck is not on my side....so the latter it is.....i have waited long enough.....and i continue to wait....but there are no answers....just me in limbo waiting for some dramatic climax in our story as if we are in a novel.....but this is real life.....and either way i'm still stuck....so are you....wondering which one of us is going to let go first.....but we are hooked to each other.....we make it harder to let go when it should be so simple....its a neverending cycle.....what we have is unexplainable.....we choose not to define it.....but how can you define something that is forbidden.....you have someone else and I.....well I have noone.....he's just not that into me is what i tell myself.....but why won't i heed my own advice?......if i knew that answer, i wouldn't be writing this.......and if i didn't write this, you would never know.....I have come to accept that you and I will someday be.....that someday obviously is not today.....so i have to let you fly away as if you were a bird.....praying you will come back to me as if you were an angel sent from above.....but until that day comes, it's you and I just living in confusion.....

25 things to know about FevO that you did/didn't know

Got this idea from facebook and decided to put it on here......this is who i am....love me or leave me alone

1) I didn't learn a lot while in college, most of what i learned came from wikipedia.org (thanks go out to the genius who created it)
2) I love sci-fi movies
3) I love everything that has to do with History....especially North African and Middle Eastern.
4) For being a history major, i don't know a lot about Texas History.
5) I really want to teach in Japan.
6) The three times you should do as i say....when i'm sleepy, hungry and need to pee....please do not bother me, don't talk to me, just do as i say and all will be good.
7) I have been the U.S for 9 yrs.
8) I've lived in 2 African countries and the Middle East.
9) I speak proper English, i have an accent....i don't like it when people point these 2 things out......not that it makes me uncomfortable....just cause i want to say "ignorance is bliss"....but that would offend people so i just keep shut....usually...but then not.
10) I don't think i'll ever get married...if i do....i will be in my 30's.
11) I hate needles...i can't look @ the needle before, during or after getting a shot...i have no idea how i got my ears pierced 5 times
12) With that being said, i want to get my nose pierced badly...but mommy dearest would not be happy
13) I do watch the history channel
14) To a certain extent, i believe love is overrated
15) With that being said, I don't remember the last time i was in a relationship....matter of fact, never been in one....
15) My sis and me have been inseperable since she was born.
16) If i knew that i could definitely make a living out of writing that is exactly what i would do for the rest of my life
17) Besides teaching in Japan for a year, I want to make any city in Europe my permanent residence....preferably London or Amsterdam...
18) I used to be such a Party Animal....
19) I worry a lot about the people i love.....I worry a lot about things or people i can't change
20) I'm a sensitive soul....i take things personally....
21) I pray to God that when i do get married that it will the one and only time
22) With that being said, i pray to God that my bridesmaids throw me the greatest bachelorette party in the world....hint, hint ladies, you know who you are
23) I have been told that I'm too strong, too rude and too blunt for a man...been told i need a man to calm me down....the day that happens, hell must have broken loose.
24) I have a gained a greater appreciation for music over the past year or two
25) Some day, I will marry LUPE FIASCO........Until then, i will jam to him in the car and on the ipod constantly

Aging Gracefully

My 26th birthday is slowly approaching thus I'm going to be officially in my late 20s once Feb. 5th rolls around in exactly a week....i have no idea what i'm doing for my bday but thats besides the point of this blog.....i'm aging gracefully i must say....at least i think i am......anyway, the last couple of days have me reflecting on this past year.....and the past couple of birthdays......i was wasted for my 23rd, on a diet for my 24th and @ work on my 25th....my 25th was actually on Mardi Gras......besides the point, reflection is very much the key to life....
Since the time i was 7, my father has been missing from my birthdays......I realized that today actually...i had forgotten that he ever existed.....R.I.P......his absence has played a major impact on my life when it comes to my views of men and relationships.....i definitely have pushed many men away.....some deserved it while others deserved a chance.....the fact that im turning 26 and have never been in a serious relationship has been haunting me.....i really don't think there is anything wrong with me.......but i guess there is......i think im pretty attractive......
With all that being said, i do enjoy being single....i really do....i think the fact that everyone around me is getting engaged and married is freaking me out.....peer pressure is a bitch......i don't just want a boyfriend for the sake of having one.....i want the whole package.....but you have to be careful what you wish for....and i just don't want to share him with anyone.....hopefully thats not much to ask for....
I just want to continue aging gracefully...

Forever summer...

it's the smile on our face that i see every morning when i wake up....eventhough you are not beside me.....and i wonder....i wonder if you will come back to me.....never knowing if you were ever here......waiting for daylight to reveal itself.....maybe you will make an appearance along with it....or maybe not....but again your smile reminds me of my summers from years past.....hopefully i can remember it for my many summer's to come....living a constant dream....those summers.....when i wanted it to remain forever summer.....can i have them back?......will they bring you along?......so many questions.....not enough time for answers......so as usual, i keep on dreaming......waiting for my questions to be answered......wonder if they ever will.......until then, forever summer........

Loner

socially awkward....
i have become a loner.....and sometimes its great but sometimes.....
sometimes when i'm by myself....i think too much
too many memories from my past...
remember all my wrong doings.....
i start thinking about my present....how i would love to change it...
but i can't....things are easier said than done...
there is always something holding me back....
and my future......i don't know what it holds for me....
i'm tired of loving people.....knowing that in the end.....it will hurt
but the people that love you are not supposed to hurt you....
yeah right.....tell that to my dad.....
in a room full of people, i'm still the oddest one...
and i accept it....
socially awkward...

Did you vote?

I voted....
I voted for McCain....
I believe in Country First....
I believe that if McCain becomes president, Palin will still be a hockey mom......an Alaskan hockey mom that i can't stand
Thing is
I voted....but i didn't vote for McCain.....i voted for Obama......not cause he is black......but because he actually has some of my interests @ heart
You see, i believe Obama, but i'm scared.....
I'm scared cause Obama reminds me of myself....
You see, I'm a dreamer.......
Obama is a dreamer......but he is also a realist.......
It's funny how humans are two extremes........
Anyway go vote....you need to......come to make a change......

I quit......

I quit smoking as of October 29th, 2008......had my last cigarette on my way home after another exhausting day @ the job.....woke up the next morning and didn't have the energy to go to the gas station to buy a pack.....didn't want to pay the 5+ dollars that it costs to get them.....so i haven't smoked since then.....don't plan to.....i went out last night and wasn't even tempted to smoke even though i could there were people around smoking cigarette after cigarette........
Anyway......i decided to quit not only cause of how much they cost but i took my health into consideration.....i also need to grow up......smoking, i guess, has become a thing of the past for me and hopefully it will remain so.......

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm pretty good at hiding things....i usually have a smile on my face......for a long time, no one realized the pain within me until i started gaining weight......but even at that point, no one wanted to help.....no one wanted to know why.......they just wanted a quick fix......but even after the weight loss, some things within me haven't been fixed......and i wonder why?
I'm not as unhappy as i was a couple of years ago......im ok......could i be happier?.......sure...
I just don't know what would make me happy anymore......i do.....but i'm not sure of them...
I want to teach.......I want to write.......those 2 things would make me happy......
What scares me is if and when i do both, am i still going to be unhappy?

Silence

I'm tired of listening
but remaining unheard
so i'm going to stay quiet for a while
and see if any nobody can hear my silence

"Nigger" "Redneck"

So i work in collections....meaning that i'm the one person you hate to hear from......but if your car note is due and you are financed through the autofinance company that i work for, chances are you have heard from me before.....
now working for the company, i have to deal with people who don't want to pay their note......sometimes they make me feel like i forced them into the contract.....but if your credit sucks and you know you can't afford the car, don't get it......get a cheaper car......or just fuckin carpool.....that's what Bush told you to do anyway so you can save on gas.....anyway i've been called all kinds of names working for the company but "nigger" is just not what i want to hear on a daily basis.....
basically i work for a department where i constantly talk to the same customers over and over again because of the way the system is set up.....so i called this customer on Tuesday and he answered the phone and said "look here, nigger, stop calling here" and hung up on me.....he actually said it several times but the fact that he even said it startled the shit out of me....and he called me a "porch monkey" i might add...checked out his account and noticed that he had done the same thing to another one of my coworkers earlier that day (he is black)......anyway, the next day one of my other coworkers calls him and he was freakin nice as hell (she is half hispanic/half white).......i called him today.....he called me a "nigger" again @ the end of every sentence......
now i don't know how he could tell the difference between a "nigger" and a white person over the phone but all i know is that i realized that racism still exists and that ignorance obviously is bliss.....
for the people who know me, i'm very proper when it comes to speaking.....now i do understand sometimes when people say talking "black" or "white"......it might be the fact that as black people we use a lot of slang......but when i'm at work, i'm very professional.....quality assurance is a very serious aspect of my job and i don't plan on losing my job for my choice of words or how i present something to a customer.......
so when someone calls me a "nigger" and they don't even know what i look like.....i'm offended
so when someone calls me a "nigger" and they are just assuming that from my voice.....i'm offended.....
and the fucked up thing is that i've been called a "redneck" too
actually was told to "Vote for Obama"
the N.A.A.C.P actually had a funeral for the word.....they fail to realize that it won't help
Racism is prevalent, people
and i now its prevalent because just like my customer assumed i was black and called me a "nigger", i assumed he was a racist white man.......or should i say a fucking "redneck".

Conversations

Conversations with family members seem to irritate me......especially when i am the topic of discussion.....topic of discussion today happened to be the issue of me going back to school.....its not that i don't want to work on my masters.....its just the way the conversation was presented to me.....so as usual i'm the topic of discussion within the family.....been getting a lot of "when are you going back to school?" and "what's the next step?".....my question is "why are you worried about me, what about your kids?"......i need a break......not to place blame, but damn, days like these i realize how much of a fuck up my dad was, is and will continue to be (r.i.p).....the only people i want to hear somethings from are my parents......but i only had one and she has spent all her energy on me.....she's tired.....i'm tired.....and can i just live life for me......for just once?....but i look at my mom and see that she never lived life for herself....she lived it for me and Abby and i just can't turn my back on that.....i feel like i already have.....i really wish everything was different.....i wish my dad had his act together.....so mom wouldn't be by herself......i wouldn't have to hear from everyone else what they think i should do......
life is a bitch.....but u live it, u love it and u learn from it......
my life......is always in someone else's hand.....
the day my life is in my hand......that day........i don't know what i would do
life is a bitch......

Realizations

i have realized that life is life....have to accept it for what it is and not what i want it to be.
i have realized that love is hard to find.....and once you find it, it is hard to let go.....
so when i love, i love with no boundaries (and love can include man, woman (no homo), child and so forth)
i have realized that i'm intelligent.....i just don't know what to do with all of it (someone help me out here)
i have realized that i have no patience.....only the man above can help me with this one....
speaking of the man above,
i have realized that i need to go back to church.....faith is power...Amen!
i have realized that i'm young and i love to have fun......whenever the day comes that i stop partying, it just means that i have realized something else......i have realized that i'm old.....that realization will not happen till i'm about 40 or married with a couple of kids.
i have realized that i haven't acccepted myself for who i am yet.....still too worried about what my family thinks about me.
i have realized that i'm hyper....now that will never change....get over it.
i have realized that i love my hair short.....omg, that was the best decision that i had ever made in a while.
i have realized that i love being a sorority girl......but if i had to go back into the past, a sorority would not be an option
i have realized that i was young minded for so long that being a grown up made life so much easier......but life is still freaking hard (you have to feel me on this one)
i have realized that friends will be friends when they want to be friends.....enemies will be enemies forever......at this point, enemies are more reliable.....friends will flake out on you when you need them the most
i have realized that i love to write, read, listen to music, be lazy, love, party, write some more.......
i have realized that i don't like to work (obviously cause i love to be lazy)
i have realized that if i have to work that it has to be someone i can relate to.....at my current J.O.B i don't relate to a lot of people
i have realized that education is overrated to a lot of people......
i have realized that for me, the only way out is education (big ups to the moms and dads who accomplished that goal while taking care of their children)
i have realized that if i was a lot more artisitic or articulate i would not be where i'm at right now....
but again
i have realized that life is life......i have to accept it for what it is and not what i want it to be....
but again
i have realized that i can change my future
and the future is SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL!

Love hurts, damn it!

it hurts to love someone
it hurts even more when that someone loves someone else
i continue to ask myself why i'm here
and i realize why
its cause i love, and i love effortlessly
and i realze why
its cause love hurts
it hurts to love someone
it hurts even more when that someone loves you back
i continue to ask myself why i'm here
and i realize
its cause he loves, and he loves effortlessly
and i realize why
its cause love hurts

Choices

In life, we all make choices......good and bad....choices make us lose family, friends, jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, lovers.....choices make us gain family, friends, jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, lovers.....when we have to make choices we are generally lost....we need guidance....need someone to listen......but we are still lost.....
i have a choice to make....do i stay or do i go?
i know why i want to stay....i know why i want to stay....
i just need to make a choice...
i'm going to let life play its role....
Ciao!

Peace is nowhere to be found!

so unhappy right now.....been feeling this way all week.....was triggered by memories of the past......memories i can't seem to let go.....they always seem to hold me back......today has been the worst i've felt since 2005.....worst year of my life.....and today has just reminded me of all that happened that year.....all the drinking....all the partying.....all the mistakes......i just want to let go....i want to go far away from here where no one knows me.....start all over......i want to forget.......memories of my dad have been bothering me all week......fucked up thing is the only memory i have of my dad is him beating my mom against the kitchen wall.....that is all i remember of that man......all he did was live, live, live.......and then die......he choose the easy way out.......people keep on telling me i'm strong but all i feel is weakness.......all i feel is sadness.......it consumes me......my smiles are just to make people think that i'm ok.......but i'm not......i'm not ok......i'm very weak......i compare myself to my mom and i realize how weak i am.......i realize how much i hurt her everyday.......i realize how hurt i am and i want to fix it......wonder if the bottle is the answer for me?......i know its not cause i saw what it did to that man.......it ruined him.....made him forget he had us.......made him forget that he has something to live and work hard for......but he still choose the easy way out.......and that just breaks my heart to pieces.......maybe that's why i'm so complex......so defensive when it comes to guys.......i can't help it......i learned from the best......i have so many flaws.....i continue to make mistakes......i continue to listen but i remain unheard......and i keep on wondering why???......do i not make any sense?.....do i have to have a mental breakdown for someone to just listen to me???.....i just want to be free from the pain.....the anguish.......i'm tired of the battle within......the battle of the two extremes within me......one of them has to win sometime soon.....and maybe then i will find peace.

No 2 people are alike

Watched the second half of the Black in America special on CNN....this one focused on the black male.....the injustices they have suffered.....the cycle of teenage fatherhood growing......no 2 people are alike.....Dyson proved that......he, a professor.....his younger brother serving life in jail......educated black men are scarce.....growing up in the hood doesn't mean that u have to stay there.....your struggles should encourage you to better yourself.....i guess this is were role models come in.....grew up in a single mother household......but i think i came out ok.....can't say that for everyone else though......
No 2 people are alike....

Black in America

Watched the special today on being Black in America.....especially being a black woman in America......know that i am an educated woman......know the issues i face.....know that i don't have any kids.....know that i don't want to get married until my finances are right....but i wonder what mistakes i will make along the way......i know that as a black woman it will be hard to find a black man that thinks like me, appreciates the things that i appreciate.....so should my option be to date a white man? Either way, i'm very openminded to that option because most GOOD black men are either already taken or are gay......and the other half are stuck in jail........and i would know that as a black woman.....but this is where some more questions arise.....you see i am black.....but most importantly African......and with that comment i have even more narrowed down the chances of me marrying a black man......so again what are my options?.......
Half of the African-American population is uneducated per the special.....we are more than likely to suffer from teenage pregnancies and H.I.V/A.I.D.S.....and we know this....even living in the hood black people know this.....but we still continue to do the things that we do and let history repeat itself?
So tell me America, how do we stop it?