Back to the Future

I shouldn't have left you, without a dope blog to step to...I let life consume me....and did nothing to improve myself....progression is the only way to succeed....and i definitely don't feel like I'm succeeding right now...I've been a lot of talk but no action.....Time to leave that all behind....and go back to the future....

SevenMinutesofHeavenwithFeven coming to a blog near you!!!!

When Fools Fall in Love

how beautiful love can be....when fools fall in love, they can't seem to see clearly....yet, how beautiful love can be...we all yearn for it even as we push it away....we all push it away since we are fools.... when fools fall in love, it is all a mystery....they lose themselves in love hoping to find themselves rejuvenated....when fools fall in love, love is as beautiful as it can be....

Beat....Beat.....

Your beat when you walk in.....holding still.....breathing in.....and you are right there....right in front of me....seducing me with words i have heard before from others....this time, it's different....can't tell you why....well, probably because you are the beat i was looking for....the indifference in you....the light at the end of the tunnel, they say......you are it....tired of saying swag...fuck that, it's confidence....never looked for you.....just found you.....i heard your beat....followed it....became all too real for me.....followed you 6 times now.....7 is my lucky number....and it rhymes with my name.....I'll stop following you at 7.....because at 7, your beat grows weaker.....and I'm on to the next one.....but your beat when you walk in.....holding still....breathing in....and you are not here anymore....

-Just listened to a banging ass beat a friend did....funny how inspiration comes from the weirdest places...not my best piece ever....but fuck it, i just wanted to write....

Let go

That moment when it all ends....you realize that it ended a long time ago....feels like you never knew each other.....the distance, inevitable.....

And you slowly learn to let go..

Its been a long time.....

Hello world.....how have you been?.....Sorry, I haven't visited in a while....but u know how life is....its hectic....the last 2 years have been tough...you have been there for me though....you never let me down...you allowed me to vent to you...cry while venting to you....you allowed me to smile.....smile while going over the many memories that we have together.....i'm back now....i didn't mean to disappear on u....I just wanted to let you know that I'm finding myself again....it's going to take some time but please let me make it up to you....I'm getting over some people and have a new job now....I needed the change in my life especially with the job situation....for right now, i'm going to ignore my personal life....I'm going to consume myself with the new job....and you....I need you more than ever now....Please don't turn your back on me.....please let your words flow through me like the River Nile....i can't keep blaming writer's block for my lack of attention to you....its just that....its like i fell out of love for a minute there.....i thought there was something better than you to make me happy, ease my heart.....but you are my 1 true love.....I know that now.....I know its been a long time but can you please give me another chance?

and it was all a dream.....

Who cares if we know each others last names.....all that matters is that we are both happy.....why put emphasis on names, people and appearances.....just me and you...we could make this world go round.....no need to call Tyrone....its just me and you....living in the lap of luxury....luxury of laughter, music and books....nothing better than being nerdy....days in with stars wars on the screen.....nights out with our favorite music riding around the city enjoyin the beautiful scenery that is us......
in the middle of it all, i wake up.....i was just napping on the couch.....
and it was all a dream.....

5 issues.

1) I'm falling apart....
2) I applied for a teaching program in Japan cause for some reason I can't get a job in the DFW.
3) Bought the GRE stuff....its been almost 3 years since i graduated college....its time for grad school if nothing else is going to happen in my life
4) My current job is ......uggghhhhhh.....
5) I need to escape....hopefully, Japan will be the answer!

And now i wonder if i'm doing too much......or too little!!!!!

Untitled!

I find myself doing things I don't care to do......I just do them out of obligation.....and I never thought that i would get to this point.....I'm smiling when inside I'm breaking down.....and I'm trying to hide it.....but lately, I'm unraveling easily.....the time has come.....time to let go of the baggage.....one step at a time.....

Yikes!

People are not who you think they are.....they are who they want to be....and as much as you hope their feelings for you won't change, you realize that emotions are fleeting.....and your feelings for them change over night....
I feel like that about two of the most important people in my life....sad, isn't it?
Shut down mode has commenced.......

I came, I saw....and on my way to conquer it all

Writers Block is a bitch!
Sooner or later, everything comes crashing down...and most of the time, no one is there to save you but yourself....
So i'm not waiting for anyone to save me this time.....I"m trying to save myself....
And then i realize that as many people as i have around me that love and care for me, I am still alone....
There is a void that needs to be filled within me....no one can fill it...i've been feeling like this for the past year but never expressed.....
Something has to give....what it is, I have no idea....
I can't wait for happiness to find me anymore.....I have to find it sometime soon....
I am at a crossroads.....a breaking point....
I realize that I'm always there for people but most of the time, that feeling is never reciprocated...
I am going to run away 1 day, away from all things trivial......
Please don't dare to search from me....
Writers block is still a bitch!

Everytime is like the first time

wondering when all of this will be over.....i only want to be around 1 person right now.....but i can't find him....i lost him somewhere in between my words and thoughts....and it all feels like he never existed....like it was all a dream....time has always been our enemy.....and so has distance....its funny how love can overpower all of that.....but the word is true.....distance does make the heart grow fonder....so i'm still searching for him.....i find him somewhere in between my words and thoughts....and he eases my soul....so gently....just the words do it...."everytime is like the first time".....

My imperfection.....

Over the past month, my emotions have been everywhere.....I feel like with everything that i have been doing, i'm losing....i'm fighting for what is important to me but sabotaging it at the same time...does that even make sense?....i'm hurting 1 of the most important people in my life....i'm shutting down to others.....everything seems to bother me....and i really can't figure out why....i haven't been writing....i've been blaming it on writer's block but now i'm wondering if i have lost the passion for it....i've been complaining a lot....and i don't like it....i've been drinking a lot....and i despise that as well....cause it makes me emotional....and i start picking fights....i can't seem to relax....i just want to be able to go with the flow....so i decided today that i'm not going to drink for a while....giving up drinking for lent and maybe even longer.....what scares me the most is pushing away the people that love me.....the people that i love.....the people that i need.....i don't want to be like my father.....and after certain things that i said in my emotional drunkness this past weekend, i have realized that it isn't worth it....the drinking isn't and neither is my father....and to be honest, i'm tired of blaming shit on him....i have to take responsibility for my actions and my words....i don't like hurting people....and i don't like to be hurt....eventhough, it is all a process of life.....im tired of something so painful happening @ the very beginning of the year....last year, it was my aunt....this year, it was Sewit.....i know that Sewit's death effected me more than my aunt's did....maybe it was her age....or the fact that i saw her grow up.....but things happen for a reason....and i'm tired of losing.....i don't want to lose the people i love....i miss my babe so much....and it kills me inside that i've been hurting him....and hurting myself as well....its funny, he is 1 of the few people who sees my potential....even when i can't see it myself....i know my potential but i get easily discouraged when obstacles happen.....the past bothers me....especially my dad....i don't want to leave my family like my dad did....and i don't want to hurt someone they way he hurt us.....i'm stuck in this place.....but i feel myself getting out.....it feels so much better when i cry sometimes.....even better when i write it cause it helps me accept it and move on from it.....i love my sister but i'm ready to live by myself....she tells me i'm selfish...which i am sometimes....but she stresses out too much about her tests and when i try to calm her down, i'm either being selfish...or i don't understand....or i'm stressing her out.....and then i shut down....gosh, i miss this....just venting like this....just being able to write it down....i am not perfect....nowhere near it....i'm thankful for the one's who love me and accept me for who i am....i'm thankful that i have a college degree (even though i'm not using it right now, lol)....i'm thankful being able to do this....being able to write....and explain myself to myself....weird!!!

First time, Last time....

the first time i fell in love was at a concert....didn't know it....if i did, i didn't accept it....didn't want to appreciate it....i wanted to lose it.....figured it wasn't for me....it never had been....why would this time be different....simply exceptional, he was.....he is what i have wanted....what i have dreamed of....but dreams are just reality's nightmares....and everything that has a beginning has an end....so fear has me pulling me back....i will lose this battle....but hopefully win the war....his words, melodic.....his touch, erotic....his sound, exotic....the first time i fell in love was at a concert....wonder if it will be the last.

Routine

in a room full of people, you are still alone....loneliness becomes routine.....and realizing that you have never had anyone around will make u accept all your bad habits....smoking, drinking, cheating, lying.....one sin is no less than the other....but you are human.....you ask for forgiveness everynight....but routine catches up to you the next morning....you just hope that this day is not your last cause routine has done her due diligence....some people are for a season.....that season could make or break your habits.....that person could love you forever or hate you till death....which one do you choose?....the plethora of people you love in your lifetime....you fall in and out of love everyday....you are heartbroken....you leave another heartbroken....and still hope for forgiveness....its your routine....and when do you break this routine?.....only time will tell.....or only you can get tired of it.....which one do you choose.....both will leave you heartbroken.....but like everything else in life, change is the only constant....so while you break one routine, you will adapt to another.....until that one catches up to you.....and you are lost in the cycle.....the cycle of routine.

Pissed.....

Its funny how the people you love the most can bring out the best and worst of you in a matter of seconds....suddenly, the world revolves around them and the laughs you guys shared a couple of minutes ago is nothing but a distant memory....which one of you will say their mind? which one will back down? which one is right? which one is wrong? at this point, it doesn't matter to me.....i feel like shit....

"in most of your talking, thinking is half-murdered"- Khalil Gibran

Sometimes I wonder if people are offended by my bluntness...if they are, I am sorry...but most of the time i could careless...I inhertied the gene from my mother who believes that speaking your mind is the key to survival...and since this world is based on survival of the fittest, I continue to speak my mind...I have no intention to fit in, I have every intention to stand out...I am who i am and not who they want me to be...They want me to be like them....but they don't even realize what them stands for...if its so hard to accept me, then let me be...Stop mistaking my bluntness for rudeness...Do understand it as my truth...You should try accepting it as your truth as well...But since its very evident that my truth hurts, please continue to ignore it...Cause I continue to pay you no mind...Since I am who I am and not who you want me to be...Persuade yourself to believe that you are better than me since you fit in ...And while you carry conversations about how rude i am, let my bluntness remind you that "in most of your talking, thinking is half-murdered."

I want to be like....

I want to be like Frost so I can take the road less travelled
in the hopes of finding myself
cause with every year that comes around
I lose myself in the year that passed me by
I want to be like Emerson so I can take the road of self-reliance
in the hopes of losing dependence
cause with every sip of alcohol I take
I lose myself in the year that passed him by
You see, I would rather be like Frost and Emerson
cause I fear that someday i will become like him
Lately it seems that fatherhood is a road less travelled by many men
refusing to become self-reliant and depending on women to raise their sons
forgetting what part they played 9 months ago to create a child
a child that will bear their last name but will never know them
So i choose to have my name changed to Feven Frost Emerson
cause the one I have right now brings back bitter memories
I'm tired of being tied down to a hopeless name
So i choose to take the road less travelled and find self-reliance along the way.

Khalil Gibran

You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts; And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a past time. And in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered.

-Khalil Gibran

Overwhelm me!

Cause you overwhelm me
I need to care less
want to be careless
but you won't allow it
so i continue to care more
Cause you overwhelm me
go to sleep inspired
wake up discouraged
Cause you overwhelm me
something is always missing
need to solve the puzzle
but where are all the pieces?
Cause you overwhelm me
waiting for all the pieces to come to place

Untitled

It's that feeling you have when you know it's over.....eventhough you don't want it to end.....wishing you could turn back the hands of time.....but you can't work against the forces of nature.....so you just let go....realize how tired you have become from trying to pull.....accept that you are lonely....wonder if it will be like this forever....imagine what it would be like if you had someone.....but you have nothing to compare it to......cause you have never had anyone....you have always been alone.....maybe you are meant to be alone.....start wondering if there is something wrong with you....and you realize that there is....the problem is THEM.