MY REVOLUTION will be LIVE!!!

Back to the Future

2012-01-07T12:48:00.000-08:00

I shouldn't have left you, without a dope blog to step to...I let life consume me....and did nothing to improve myself....progression is the only way to succeed....and i definitely don't feel like I'm succeeding right now...I've been a lot of talk but no action.....Time to leave that all behind....and go back to the future....

SevenMinutesofHeavenwithFeven coming to a blog near you!!!!

When Fools Fall in Love

2011-08-14T17:08:00.001-07:00

how beautiful love can be....when fools fall in love, they can't seem to see clearly....yet, how beautiful love can be...we all yearn for it even as we push it away....we all push it away since we are fools.... when fools fall in love, it is all a mystery....they lose themselves in love hoping to find themselves rejuvenated....when fools fall in love, love is as beautiful as it can be....

Beat....Beat.....

2011-03-02T19:20:00.000-08:00

Your beat when you walk in.....holding still.....breathing in.....and you are right there....right in front of me....seducing me with words i have heard before from others....this time, it's different....can't tell you why....well, probably because you are the beat i was looking for....the indifference in you....the light at the end of the tunnel, they say......you are it....tired of saying swag...fuck that, it's confidence....never looked for you.....just found you.....i heard your beat....followed it....became all too real for me.....followed you 6 times now.....7 is my lucky number....and it rhymes with my name.....I'll stop following you at 7.....because at 7, your beat grows weaker.....and I'm on to the next one.....but your beat when you walk in.....holding still....breathing in....and you are not here anymore....

-Just listened to a banging ass beat a friend did....funny how inspiration comes from the weirdest places...not my best piece ever....but fuck it, i just wanted to write....

Let go

2010-12-30T18:23:00.000-08:00

That moment when it all ends....you realize that it ended a long time ago....feels like you never knew each other.....the distance, inevitable.....

And you slowly learn to let go..

Its been a long time.....

2010-11-23T16:35:00.000-08:00

Hello world.....how have you been?.....Sorry, I haven't visited in a while....but u know how life is....its hectic....the last 2 years have been tough...you have been there for me though....you never let me down...you allowed me to vent to you...cry while venting to you....you allowed me to smile.....smile while going over the many memories that we have together.....i'm back now....i didn't mean to disappear on u....I just wanted to let you know that I'm finding myself again....it's going to take some time but please let me make it up to you....I'm getting over some people and have a new job now....I needed the change in my life especially with the job situation....for right now, i'm going to ignore my personal life....I'm going to consume myself with the new job....and you....I need you more than ever now....Please don't turn your back on me.....please let your words flow through me like the River Nile....i can't keep blaming writer's block for my lack of attention to you....its just that....its like i fell out of love for a minute there.....i thought there was something better than you to make me happy, ease my heart.....but you are my 1 true love.....I know that now.....I know its been a long time but can you please give me another chance?

and it was all a dream.....

2010-09-11T19:05:00.000-07:00

Who cares if we know each others last names.....all that matters is that we are both happy.....why put emphasis on names, people and appearances.....just me and you...we could make this world go round.....no need to call Tyrone....its just me and you....living in the lap of luxury....luxury of laughter, music and books....nothing better than being nerdy....days in with stars wars on the screen.....nights out with our favorite music riding around the city enjoyin the beautiful scenery that is us......
in the middle of it all, i wake up.....i was just napping on the couch.....
and it was all a dream.....

5 issues.

2010-07-18T16:13:00.000-07:00

1) I'm falling apart....
2) I applied for a teaching program in Japan cause for some reason I can't get a job in the DFW.
3) Bought the GRE stuff....its been almost 3 years since i graduated college....its time for grad school if nothing else is going to happen in my life
4) My current job is ......uggghhhhhh.....
5) I need to escape....hopefully, Japan will be the answer!

And now i wonder if i'm doing too much......or too little!!!!!

Untitled!

2010-05-16T18:57:00.000-07:00

I find myself doing things I don't care to do......I just do them out of obligation.....and I never thought that i would get to this point.....I'm smiling when inside I'm breaking down.....and I'm trying to hide it.....but lately, I'm unraveling easily.....the time has come.....time to let go of the baggage.....one step at a time.....

Yikes!

2010-04-20T17:45:00.001-07:00

People are not who you think they are.....they are who they want to be....and as much as you hope their feelings for you won't change, you realize that emotions are fleeting.....and your feelings for them change over night....
I feel like that about two of the most important people in my life....sad, isn't it?
Shut down mode has commenced.......

I came, I saw....and on my way to conquer it all

2010-04-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

Writers Block is a bitch!
Sooner or later, everything comes crashing down...and most of the time, no one is there to save you but yourself....
So i'm not waiting for anyone to save me this time.....I"m trying to save myself....
And then i realize that as many people as i have around me that love and care for me, I am still alone....
There is a void that needs to be filled within me....no one can fill it...i've been feeling like this for the past year but never expressed.....
Something has to give....what it is, I have no idea....
I can't wait for happiness to find me anymore.....I have to find it sometime soon....
I am at a crossroads.....a breaking point....
I realize that I'm always there for people but most of the time, that feeling is never reciprocated...
I am going to run away 1 day, away from all things trivial......
Please don't dare to search from me....
Writers block is still a bitch!

Everytime is like the first time

2010-02-16T17:37:00.001-08:00

wondering when all of this will be over.....i only want to be around 1 person right now.....but i can't find him....i lost him somewhere in between my words and thoughts....and it all feels like he never existed....like it was all a dream....time has always been our enemy.....and so has distance....its funny how love can overpower all of that.....but the word is true.....distance does make the heart grow fonder....so i'm still searching for him.....i find him somewhere in between my words and thoughts....and he eases my soul....so gently....just the words do it...."everytime is like the first time".....

My imperfection.....

2010-02-15T11:46:00.000-08:00

Over the past month, my emotions have been everywhere.....I feel like with everything that i have been doing, i'm losing....i'm fighting for what is important to me but sabotaging it at the same time...does that even make sense?....i'm hurting 1 of the most important people in my life....i'm shutting down to others.....everything seems to bother me....and i really can't figure out why....i haven't been writing....i've been blaming it on writer's block but now i'm wondering if i have lost the passion for it....i've been complaining a lot....and i don't like it....i've been drinking a lot....and i despise that as well....cause it makes me emotional....and i start picking fights....i can't seem to relax....i just want to be able to go with the flow....so i decided today that i'm not going to drink for a while....giving up drinking for lent and maybe even longer.....what scares me the most is pushing away the people that love me.....the people that i love.....the people that i need.....i don't want to be like my father.....and after certain things that i said in my emotional drunkness this past weekend, i have realized that it isn't worth it....the drinking isn't and neither is my father....and to be honest, i'm tired of blaming shit on him....i have to take responsibility for my actions and my words....i don't like hurting people....and i don't like to be hurt....eventhough, it is all a process of life.....im tired of something so painful happening @ the very beginning of the year....last year, it was my aunt....this year, it was Sewit.....i know that Sewit's death effected me more than my aunt's did....maybe it was her age....or the fact that i saw her grow up.....but things happen for a reason....and i'm tired of losing.....i don't want to lose the people i love....i miss my babe so much....and it kills me inside that i've been hurting him....and hurting myself as well....its funny, he is 1 of the few people who sees my potential....even when i can't see it myself....i know my potential but i get easily discouraged when obstacles happen.....the past bothers me....especially my dad....i don't want to leave my family like my dad did....and i don't want to hurt someone they way he hurt us.....i'm stuck in this place.....but i feel myself getting out.....it feels so much better when i cry sometimes.....even better when i write it cause it helps me accept it and move on from it.....i love my sister but i'm ready to live by myself....she tells me i'm selfish...which i am sometimes....but she stresses out too much about her tests and when i try to calm her down, i'm either being selfish...or i don't understand....or i'm stressing her out.....and then i shut down....gosh, i miss this....just venting like this....just being able to write it down....i am not perfect....nowhere near it....i'm thankful for the one's who love me and accept me for who i am....i'm thankful that i have a college degree (even though i'm not using it right now, lol)....i'm thankful being able to do this....being able to write....and explain myself to myself....weird!!!

First time, Last time....

2009-11-10T19:37:00.000-08:00

the first time i fell in love was at a concert....didn't know it....if i did, i didn't accept it....didn't want to appreciate it....i wanted to lose it.....figured it wasn't for me....it never had been....why would this time be different....simply exceptional, he was.....he is what i have wanted....what i have dreamed of....but dreams are just reality's nightmares....and everything that has a beginning has an end....so fear has me pulling me back....i will lose this battle....but hopefully win the war....his words, melodic.....his touch, erotic....his sound, exotic....the first time i fell in love was at a concert....wonder if it will be the last.

Routine

2009-11-05T17:56:00.000-08:00

in a room full of people, you are still alone....loneliness becomes routine.....and realizing that you have never had anyone around will make u accept all your bad habits....smoking, drinking, cheating, lying.....one sin is no less than the other....but you are human.....you ask for forgiveness everynight....but routine catches up to you the next morning....you just hope that this day is not your last cause routine has done her due diligence....some people are for a season.....that season could make or break your habits.....that person could love you forever or hate you till death....which one do you choose?....the plethora of people you love in your lifetime....you fall in and out of love everyday....you are heartbroken....you leave another heartbroken....and still hope for forgiveness....its your routine....and when do you break this routine?.....only time will tell.....or only you can get tired of it.....which one do you choose.....both will leave you heartbroken.....but like everything else in life, change is the only constant....so while you break one routine, you will adapt to another.....until that one catches up to you.....and you are lost in the cycle.....the cycle of routine.

Pissed.....

2009-07-04T18:08:00.000-07:00

Its funny how the people you love the most can bring out the best and worst of you in a matter of seconds....suddenly, the world revolves around them and the laughs you guys shared a couple of minutes ago is nothing but a distant memory....which one of you will say their mind? which one will back down? which one is right? which one is wrong? at this point, it doesn't matter to me.....i feel like shit....

"in most of your talking, thinking is half-murdered"- Khalil Gibran

2009-07-01T20:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if people are offended by my bluntness...if they are, I am sorry...but most of the time i could careless...I inhertied the gene from my mother who believes that speaking your mind is the key to survival...and since this world is based on survival of the fittest, I continue to speak my mind...I have no intention to fit in, I have every intention to stand out...I am who i am and not who they want me to be...They want me to be like them....but they don't even realize what them stands for...if its so hard to accept me, then let me be...Stop mistaking my bluntness for rudeness...Do understand it as my truth...You should try accepting it as your truth as well...But since its very evident that my truth hurts, please continue to ignore it...Cause I continue to pay you no mind...Since I am who I am and not who you want me to be...Persuade yourself to believe that you are better than me since you fit in ...And while you carry conversations about how rude i am, let my bluntness remind you that "in most of your talking, thinking is half-murdered."

I want to be like....

2009-05-18T19:38:00.000-07:00

I want to be like Frost so I can take the road less travelled
in the hopes of finding myself
cause with every year that comes around
I lose myself in the year that passed me by
I want to be like Emerson so I can take the road of self-reliance
in the hopes of losing dependence
cause with every sip of alcohol I take
I lose myself in the year that passed him by
You see, I would rather be like Frost and Emerson
cause I fear that someday i will become like him
Lately it seems that fatherhood is a road less travelled by many men
refusing to become self-reliant and depending on women to raise their sons
forgetting what part they played 9 months ago to create a child
a child that will bear their last name but will never know them
So i choose to have my name changed to Feven Frost Emerson
cause the one I have right now brings back bitter memories
I'm tired of being tied down to a hopeless name
So i choose to take the road less travelled and find self-reliance along the way.

Khalil Gibran

2009-04-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts; And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a past time. And in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered.

-Khalil Gibran

Overwhelm me!

2009-04-12T19:26:00.000-07:00

Cause you overwhelm me
I need to care less
want to be careless
but you won't allow it
so i continue to care more
Cause you overwhelm me
go to sleep inspired
wake up discouraged
Cause you overwhelm me
something is always missing
need to solve the puzzle
but where are all the pieces?
Cause you overwhelm me
waiting for all the pieces to come to place

Untitled

2009-04-12T19:10:00.001-07:00

It's that feeling you have when you know it's over.....eventhough you don't want it to end.....wishing you could turn back the hands of time.....but you can't work against the forces of nature.....so you just let go....realize how tired you have become from trying to pull.....accept that you are lonely....wonder if it will be like this forever....imagine what it would be like if you had someone.....but you have nothing to compare it to......cause you have never had anyone....you have always been alone.....maybe you are meant to be alone.....start wondering if there is something wrong with you....and you realize that there is....the problem is THEM.

My Sweet Love

2009-04-12T18:57:00.000-07:00

One of my friends' happens to be a hip-hop artist/producer who goes by HashBrown....did a song called Love Supreme after sampling Anita Baker's "Sweet Love"....i heard the sample and go inspired.....the results of my inspiration are as follows....ENJOY!

I love hip-hop cause she is so simple and pure
but still intricate as ever
she knows me like no other
was there for me when rock bottom was all i could see
was down for me when i wasn't down for myself
however i'm not down for hip hop's new age
cause her value has been lost
in the search for money and power
eventhough HashBrown, The Council and T.H.E.M remind me of her finest hour
flashy words don't make me falter
so while dudes are trying to make money off her
i'm wanting to get high off her
i'm lost without her
and she is not the same without me
like Common said "i used to love h.e.r"
funny thiing is, i still do
she is still MY SWEET LOVE

Failure!

2009-02-22T09:17:00.000-08:00

I hate failing....
but i guess it's a process of life...
so i'm always down for a second try.

My intro to my late 20's

2009-02-07T20:23:00.000-08:00

I had a great bday....had a good time with all my peeps....too much drinking involved as usual....thursday had a girls night....friday had a great time @ dave and busters....recieved a couple of sentimental presents....which reminded me of how long i've known some of the people who were there last night...felt lots of love....saturday recieved a bouquet of flowers from a special someone that made me smile all day....unexpected i might add....whole point of the blog being that i had a good time....felt loved....a couple of people that are important to me were missing.....not by choice....just cause of distance.....anyways this is my way of saying thank you for another wonderful birthday to my family and friends.....the lord willing ill be turning 27 in exactly a year....and you will have to read one of these all over again....
Ciao...

Tonight's Feel (Expanded)

2009-02-04T21:07:00.000-08:00

Late Night Conversations
Early Morning Rendezvous
Showers filled with Passion
Kisses filled with Lust
That lead to more than just kisses
Imagination running Wild
I Love, You Love
We Love
Kiss Me, Hold Me, Touch Me
Make Me Yours Tonight
Tonight's Feel
Tonight's Feel should be everlasting
Tonight's Feel should be every day's feel
Tonight's Feel is You and Me......becoming us
Tonight's Feel.

Living in Confusion

2009-01-29T22:31:00.000-08:00

Living in confusion.......wishing things would be different....praying that my wishes come true...i wonder why they won't....am i not believing in us hard enough?.....or is it that you are preoccupied with someone else?.....i would rather it be the first not the latter but as usual luck is not on my side....so the latter it is.....i have waited long enough.....and i continue to wait....but there are no answers....just me in limbo waiting for some dramatic climax in our story as if we are in a novel.....but this is real life.....and either way i'm still stuck....so are you....wondering which one of us is going to let go first.....but we are hooked to each other.....we make it harder to let go when it should be so simple....its a neverending cycle.....what we have is unexplainable.....we choose not to define it.....but how can you define something that is forbidden.....you have someone else and I.....well I have noone.....he's just not that into me is what i tell myself.....but why won't i heed my own advice?......if i knew that answer, i wouldn't be writing this.......and if i didn't write this, you would never know.....I have come to accept that you and I will someday be.....that someday obviously is not today.....so i have to let you fly away as if you were a bird.....praying you will come back to me as if you were an angel sent from above.....but until that day comes, it's you and I just living in confusion.....

25 things to know about FevO that you did/didn't know

2009-01-29T22:17:00.000-08:00

Got this idea from facebook and decided to put it on here......this is who i am....love me or leave me alone

1) I didn't learn a lot while in college, most of what i learned came from wikipedia.org (thanks go out to the genius who created it)
2) I love sci-fi movies
3) I love everything that has to do with History....especially North African and Middle Eastern.
4) For being a history major, i don't know a lot about Texas History.
5) I really want to teach in Japan.
6) The three times you should do as i say....when i'm sleepy, hungry and need to pee....please do not bother me, don't talk to me, just do as i say and all will be good.
7) I have been the U.S for 9 yrs.
8) I've lived in 2 African countries and the Middle East.
9) I speak proper English, i have an accent....i don't like it when people point these 2 things out......not that it makes me uncomfortable....just cause i want to say "ignorance is bliss"....but that would offend people so i just keep shut....usually...but then not.
10) I don't think i'll ever get married...if i do....i will be in my 30's.
11) I hate needles...i can't look @ the needle before, during or after getting a shot...i have no idea how i got my ears pierced 5 times
12) With that being said, i want to get my nose pierced badly...but mommy dearest would not be happy
13) I do watch the history channel
14) To a certain extent, i believe love is overrated
15) With that being said, I don't remember the last time i was in a relationship....matter of fact, never been in one....
15) My sis and me have been inseperable since she was born.
16) If i knew that i could definitely make a living out of writing that is exactly what i would do for the rest of my life
17) Besides teaching in Japan for a year, I want to make any city in Europe my permanent residence....preferably London or Amsterdam...
18) I used to be such a Party Animal....
19) I worry a lot about the people i love.....I worry a lot about things or people i can't change
20) I'm a sensitive soul....i take things personally....
21) I pray to God that when i do get married that it will the one and only time
22) With that being said, i pray to God that my bridesmaids throw me the greatest bachelorette party in the world....hint, hint ladies, you know who you are
23) I have been told that I'm too strong, too rude and too blunt for a man...been told i need a man to calm me down....the day that happens, hell must have broken loose.
24) I have a gained a greater appreciation for music over the past year or two
25) Some day, I will marry LUPE FIASCO........Until then, i will jam to him in the car and on the ipod constantly

Aging Gracefully

2009-01-25T18:21:00.000-08:00

My 26th birthday is slowly approaching thus I'm going to be officially in my late 20s once Feb. 5th rolls around in exactly a week....i have no idea what i'm doing for my bday but thats besides the point of this blog.....i'm aging gracefully i must say....at least i think i am......anyway, the last couple of days have me reflecting on this past year.....and the past couple of birthdays......i was wasted for my 23rd, on a diet for my 24th and @ work on my 25th....my 25th was actually on Mardi Gras......besides the point, reflection is very much the key to life....
Since the time i was 7, my father has been missing from my birthdays......I realized that today actually...i had forgotten that he ever existed.....R.I.P......his absence has played a major impact on my life when it comes to my views of men and relationships.....i definitely have pushed many men away.....some deserved it while others deserved a chance.....the fact that im turning 26 and have never been in a serious relationship has been haunting me.....i really don't think there is anything wrong with me.......but i guess there is......i think im pretty attractive......
With all that being said, i do enjoy being single....i really do....i think the fact that everyone around me is getting engaged and married is freaking me out.....peer pressure is a bitch......i don't just want a boyfriend for the sake of having one.....i want the whole package.....but you have to be careful what you wish for....and i just don't want to share him with anyone.....hopefully thats not much to ask for....
I just want to continue aging gracefully...

Forever summer...

2008-12-01T16:07:00.001-08:00

it's the smile on our face that i see every morning when i wake up....eventhough you are not beside me.....and i wonder....i wonder if you will come back to me.....never knowing if you were ever here......waiting for daylight to reveal itself.....maybe you will make an appearance along with it....or maybe not....but again your smile reminds me of my summers from years past.....hopefully i can remember it for my many summer's to come....living a constant dream....those summers.....when i wanted it to remain forever summer.....can i have them back?......will they bring you along?......so many questions.....not enough time for answers......so as usual, i keep on dreaming......waiting for my questions to be answered......wonder if they ever will.......until then, forever summer........

Loner

2008-11-22T21:29:00.000-08:00

socially awkward....
i have become a loner.....and sometimes its great but sometimes.....
sometimes when i'm by myself....i think too much
too many memories from my past...
remember all my wrong doings.....
i start thinking about my present....how i would love to change it...
but i can't....things are easier said than done...
there is always something holding me back....
and my future......i don't know what it holds for me....
i'm tired of loving people.....knowing that in the end.....it will hurt
but the people that love you are not supposed to hurt you....
yeah right.....tell that to my dad.....
in a room full of people, i'm still the oddest one...
and i accept it....
socially awkward...

Did you vote?

2008-11-01T14:47:00.001-07:00

I voted....
I voted for McCain....
I believe in Country First....
I believe that if McCain becomes president, Palin will still be a hockey mom......an Alaskan hockey mom that i can't stand
Thing is
I voted....but i didn't vote for McCain.....i voted for Obama......not cause he is black......but because he actually has some of my interests @ heart
You see, i believe Obama, but i'm scared.....
I'm scared cause Obama reminds me of myself....
You see, I'm a dreamer.......
Obama is a dreamer......but he is also a realist.......
It's funny how humans are two extremes........
Anyway go vote....you need to......come to make a change......

I quit......

2008-11-01T14:37:00.000-07:00

I quit smoking as of October 29th, 2008......had my last cigarette on my way home after another exhausting day @ the job.....woke up the next morning and didn't have the energy to go to the gas station to buy a pack.....didn't want to pay the 5+ dollars that it costs to get them.....so i haven't smoked since then.....don't plan to.....i went out last night and wasn't even tempted to smoke even though i could there were people around smoking cigarette after cigarette........
Anyway......i decided to quit not only cause of how much they cost but i took my health into consideration.....i also need to grow up......smoking, i guess, has become a thing of the past for me and hopefully it will remain so.......

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

2008-10-06T19:57:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty good at hiding things....i usually have a smile on my face......for a long time, no one realized the pain within me until i started gaining weight......but even at that point, no one wanted to help.....no one wanted to know why.......they just wanted a quick fix......but even after the weight loss, some things within me haven't been fixed......and i wonder why?
I'm not as unhappy as i was a couple of years ago......im ok......could i be happier?.......sure...
I just don't know what would make me happy anymore......i do.....but i'm not sure of them...
I want to teach.......I want to write.......those 2 things would make me happy......
What scares me is if and when i do both, am i still going to be unhappy?

Silence

2008-09-22T18:21:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of listening
but remaining unheard
so i'm going to stay quiet for a while
and see if any nobody can hear my silence

"Nigger" "Redneck"

2008-09-18T20:08:00.000-07:00

So i work in collections....meaning that i'm the one person you hate to hear from......but if your car note is due and you are financed through the autofinance company that i work for, chances are you have heard from me before.....
now working for the company, i have to deal with people who don't want to pay their note......sometimes they make me feel like i forced them into the contract.....but if your credit sucks and you know you can't afford the car, don't get it......get a cheaper car......or just fuckin carpool.....that's what Bush told you to do anyway so you can save on gas.....anyway i've been called all kinds of names working for the company but "nigger" is just not what i want to hear on a daily basis.....
basically i work for a department where i constantly talk to the same customers over and over again because of the way the system is set up.....so i called this customer on Tuesday and he answered the phone and said "look here, nigger, stop calling here" and hung up on me.....he actually said it several times but the fact that he even said it startled the shit out of me....and he called me a "porch monkey" i might add...checked out his account and noticed that he had done the same thing to another one of my coworkers earlier that day (he is black)......anyway, the next day one of my other coworkers calls him and he was freakin nice as hell (she is half hispanic/half white).......i called him today.....he called me a "nigger" again @ the end of every sentence......
now i don't know how he could tell the difference between a "nigger" and a white person over the phone but all i know is that i realized that racism still exists and that ignorance obviously is bliss.....
for the people who know me, i'm very proper when it comes to speaking.....now i do understand sometimes when people say talking "black" or "white"......it might be the fact that as black people we use a lot of slang......but when i'm at work, i'm very professional.....quality assurance is a very serious aspect of my job and i don't plan on losing my job for my choice of words or how i present something to a customer.......
so when someone calls me a "nigger" and they don't even know what i look like.....i'm offended
so when someone calls me a "nigger" and they are just assuming that from my voice.....i'm offended.....
and the fucked up thing is that i've been called a "redneck" too
actually was told to "Vote for Obama"
the N.A.A.C.P actually had a funeral for the word.....they fail to realize that it won't help
Racism is prevalent, people
and i now its prevalent because just like my customer assumed i was black and called me a "nigger", i assumed he was a racist white man.......or should i say a fucking "redneck".

Conversations

2008-09-17T17:54:00.000-07:00

Conversations with family members seem to irritate me......especially when i am the topic of discussion.....topic of discussion today happened to be the issue of me going back to school.....its not that i don't want to work on my masters.....its just the way the conversation was presented to me.....so as usual i'm the topic of discussion within the family.....been getting a lot of "when are you going back to school?" and "what's the next step?".....my question is "why are you worried about me, what about your kids?"......i need a break......not to place blame, but damn, days like these i realize how much of a fuck up my dad was, is and will continue to be (r.i.p).....the only people i want to hear somethings from are my parents......but i only had one and she has spent all her energy on me.....she's tired.....i'm tired.....and can i just live life for me......for just once?....but i look at my mom and see that she never lived life for herself....she lived it for me and Abby and i just can't turn my back on that.....i feel like i already have.....i really wish everything was different.....i wish my dad had his act together.....so mom wouldn't be by herself......i wouldn't have to hear from everyone else what they think i should do......
life is a bitch.....but u live it, u love it and u learn from it......
my life......is always in someone else's hand.....
the day my life is in my hand......that day........i don't know what i would do
life is a bitch......

Realizations

2008-09-10T17:33:00.000-07:00

i have realized that life is life....have to accept it for what it is and not what i want it to be.
i have realized that love is hard to find.....and once you find it, it is hard to let go.....
so when i love, i love with no boundaries (and love can include man, woman (no homo), child and so forth)
i have realized that i'm intelligent.....i just don't know what to do with all of it (someone help me out here)
i have realized that i have no patience.....only the man above can help me with this one....
speaking of the man above,
i have realized that i need to go back to church.....faith is power...Amen!
i have realized that i'm young and i love to have fun......whenever the day comes that i stop partying, it just means that i have realized something else......i have realized that i'm old.....that realization will not happen till i'm about 40 or married with a couple of kids.
i have realized that i haven't acccepted myself for who i am yet.....still too worried about what my family thinks about me.
i have realized that i'm hyper....now that will never change....get over it.
i have realized that i love my hair short.....omg, that was the best decision that i had ever made in a while.
i have realized that i love being a sorority girl......but if i had to go back into the past, a sorority would not be an option
i have realized that i was young minded for so long that being a grown up made life so much easier......but life is still freaking hard (you have to feel me on this one)
i have realized that friends will be friends when they want to be friends.....enemies will be enemies forever......at this point, enemies are more reliable.....friends will flake out on you when you need them the most
i have realized that i love to write, read, listen to music, be lazy, love, party, write some more.......
i have realized that i don't like to work (obviously cause i love to be lazy)
i have realized that if i have to work that it has to be someone i can relate to.....at my current J.O.B i don't relate to a lot of people
i have realized that education is overrated to a lot of people......
i have realized that for me, the only way out is education (big ups to the moms and dads who accomplished that goal while taking care of their children)
i have realized that if i was a lot more artisitic or articulate i would not be where i'm at right now....
but again
i have realized that life is life......i have to accept it for what it is and not what i want it to be....
but again
i have realized that i can change my future
and the future is SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL!

Love hurts, damn it!

2008-09-08T19:43:00.000-07:00

it hurts to love someone
it hurts even more when that someone loves someone else
i continue to ask myself why i'm here
and i realize why
its cause i love, and i love effortlessly
and i realze why
its cause love hurts
it hurts to love someone
it hurts even more when that someone loves you back
i continue to ask myself why i'm here
and i realize
its cause he loves, and he loves effortlessly
and i realize why
its cause love hurts

Choices

2008-09-05T18:45:00.000-07:00

In life, we all make choices......good and bad....choices make us lose family, friends, jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, lovers.....choices make us gain family, friends, jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, lovers.....when we have to make choices we are generally lost....we need guidance....need someone to listen......but we are still lost.....
i have a choice to make....do i stay or do i go?
i know why i want to stay....i know why i want to stay....
i just need to make a choice...
i'm going to let life play its role....
Ciao!

Peace is nowhere to be found!

2008-08-21T15:57:00.000-07:00

so unhappy right now.....been feeling this way all week.....was triggered by memories of the past......memories i can't seem to let go.....they always seem to hold me back......today has been the worst i've felt since 2005.....worst year of my life.....and today has just reminded me of all that happened that year.....all the drinking....all the partying.....all the mistakes......i just want to let go....i want to go far away from here where no one knows me.....start all over......i want to forget.......memories of my dad have been bothering me all week......fucked up thing is the only memory i have of my dad is him beating my mom against the kitchen wall.....that is all i remember of that man......all he did was live, live, live.......and then die......he choose the easy way out.......people keep on telling me i'm strong but all i feel is weakness.......all i feel is sadness.......it consumes me......my smiles are just to make people think that i'm ok.......but i'm not......i'm not ok......i'm very weak......i compare myself to my mom and i realize how weak i am.......i realize how much i hurt her everyday.......i realize how hurt i am and i want to fix it......wonder if the bottle is the answer for me?......i know its not cause i saw what it did to that man.......it ruined him.....made him forget he had us.......made him forget that he has something to live and work hard for......but he still choose the easy way out.......and that just breaks my heart to pieces.......maybe that's why i'm so complex......so defensive when it comes to guys.......i can't help it......i learned from the best......i have so many flaws.....i continue to make mistakes......i continue to listen but i remain unheard......and i keep on wondering why???......do i not make any sense?.....do i have to have a mental breakdown for someone to just listen to me???.....i just want to be free from the pain.....the anguish.......i'm tired of the battle within......the battle of the two extremes within me......one of them has to win sometime soon.....and maybe then i will find peace.

No 2 people are alike

2008-07-24T20:21:00.000-07:00

Watched the second half of the Black in America special on CNN....this one focused on the black male.....the injustices they have suffered.....the cycle of teenage fatherhood growing......no 2 people are alike.....Dyson proved that......he, a professor.....his younger brother serving life in jail......educated black men are scarce.....growing up in the hood doesn't mean that u have to stay there.....your struggles should encourage you to better yourself.....i guess this is were role models come in.....grew up in a single mother household......but i think i came out ok.....can't say that for everyone else though......
No 2 people are alike....

Black in America

2008-07-23T20:44:00.000-07:00

Watched the special today on being Black in America.....especially being a black woman in America......know that i am an educated woman......know the issues i face.....know that i don't have any kids.....know that i don't want to get married until my finances are right....but i wonder what mistakes i will make along the way......i know that as a black woman it will be hard to find a black man that thinks like me, appreciates the things that i appreciate.....so should my option be to date a white man? Either way, i'm very openminded to that option because most GOOD black men are either already taken or are gay......and the other half are stuck in jail........and i would know that as a black woman.....but this is where some more questions arise.....you see i am black.....but most importantly African......and with that comment i have even more narrowed down the chances of me marrying a black man......so again what are my options?.......
Half of the African-American population is uneducated per the special.....we are more than likely to suffer from teenage pregnancies and H.I.V/A.I.D.S.....and we know this....even living in the hood black people know this.....but we still continue to do the things that we do and let history repeat itself?
So tell me America, how do we stop it?

Addictions

2008-07-20T19:58:00.001-07:00

I'm addicted to cigarettes
It's a fixation i can't seem to get rid of
Funny how when i'm around certain people its under control
I'm addicted to someone
It's a fixation i can't seem to resist
Funny how when i'm around that person smoking doesn't even come to mind
I'm addicted to writing
It's a fixation i will always embrace
Funny how when i'm writing i can't seem to think of anything else
All my addictions are fatal
They will eventually get the best of me
Funny thing is i have learned to balance them all
Love them equally
They are all exceptional to me
But when the day comes that i have to give them all up
The passion for any of them will slowly diminsh
They will become nothing but distant memories
Favorite distant memories
Signs of the past that will be hard to let go
So i will live and let die

First time

2008-06-29T18:06:00.000-07:00

I don't belong
At this point, I don't know if i care
But i care about it enough to write about it
I know i care too much about certain people...things....places in my life
Maybe i should stop caring
Would that make me any happier?
Wonder if the people....things.....places...care about me as much as I do them
Never use the term "love" lightly
Wouldn't want to waste the beauty of the word and its meaning to me
I, like many others, have fallen prey to the materialistic view of this world
Focus has been lost somewhere
Working an 8-5 is not satisfaction
Writing at any time
I have found a greater appreciation for music lately thanks to one of my friends
It seems to come on at the right time
Everytime feels like the first time

Scared.

2008-06-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

Wrote some things down today.....realized that by writing them down i accepted the truth......i spoke them into existence.....felt every word.....meant every emotion i put on paper......so why do i feel scared?

Anti-Love...Pro-Love

2008-06-16T18:28:00.000-07:00

Most of my close friends know how i feel about love.....i'm very protective of my heart.....that doesn't mean that i don't love.....I love a lot of people.....and i love them with all of my heart.....the one thing that scares me is FALLING in love and not having the feeling reciprocated.....some of my friends say that i'm anti-love......some just say i'm scared to love.....and with good reason......i've seen my mom get beat up by the man that she thought loved her (my dad)....she hasn't loved another man since she left him......it hurts me to see her without a companion......for better or worse didn't work out for them......through sickness and health didn't help them...that's about the only memory i have of him.......hitting her.....i had not seen him in 15 yrs when he passed.....had not talked to him in 6......i appreciate my uncles and my cousins.......they make me understand and appreciate men who actually do good by their women and families.......it's been a long time coming but at the age of 25 i have realized that there are some men who love me......who will continue to love me........even though they are overbearing.........and some men who will love me when they meet me.......so anti-love or pro-love.....which one am I.......i'll figure it out sometime soon.......but until then......i really don't KNOW!
WITH LOVE, CIVILITY!

Tonight's Feel!

2008-06-11T19:21:00.000-07:00

Inspired by one of my many loves.

Late Night Conversations
Early Morning Rendezvous
Showers filled with Passion
Kisses filled with Lust
That lead to more than just kisses
Tonight's Feel should be everlasting
Tonight's Feel should be every day's feel
Tonight's Feel is You and Me......becoming us
Tonight's Feel.

Weddings

2008-05-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

I love Weddings just because they are a sign of unison between two people who love each other........I hate Weddings just because everytime I go to one I realize how I'm not ready for that kind of major commitment........I love Weddings just because i see people who I haven't seen in years......I hate Weddings just because the people I haven't see in years ask me when I'm getting married......And I tell them NEVER!!!!!

Be Cool!!!

2008-05-26T12:46:00.000-07:00

I am a self proclaimed nerd......i love doing things that COOL people might think is so nerdy......like reading......and writing.....Half Price Books Sessions......one of my favorite spots with one of my favorite people (there are people who have accepted me for who i am, remarkably)....sci-fi movies.......History Channel......In my world, I know I'm COOL.......i appreciate things that the average Joe might not know or understand.....that's why I married History.......cause he is so COOL........makes me understand who i am and where i come from.......cause if u don't accept the past, how do you expect to live in the future........I'm COOL because i know what i want in life and surely will get it.........You are COOL because you believe that hustling is the only way out.......I don't understand people who were given everything by their parents, were raised in the suburbs and still believe that street life is the way to live......I'm COOL cause i went to school.........You're COOL cause you didn't........Not that you couldn't afford it........Just that you were too caught up trying to be COOL instead of focusing on the important matters of life.......I'm COOL cause i'm different.......You're COOL cause you decided to follow the crowd, decided to become a follower instead of a leader so know you abide by someone else's rules.......I on the other hand adhere to the rules that i placed on myself by myself......I'm COOL cause i know more than you ever will about the whole world.......You're COOL cause you know nothing else but the world you live in........I'm COOL cause i'm confident.....You're COOL cause you have no confidence left in yourself, that's why you have become the follower.......I, dear, I am the leader.........I'm COOL.......You're COOL........Just realize that we can't be COOL together.

Stolen moments!

2008-05-24T18:31:00.000-07:00

Leaving us confused.......need, want, miss become words we use often......Attachments become Cruicial...attraction is fatal....doing things we have never done....Boundaries are crossed.......planning getaways........no one knows......we don't care........we are just trying to make memories of our own......and loving it.

Saul Williams

2008-05-21T18:18:00.000-07:00

Is word still bond? Courtesy of Saul Williams, "The Dead Emcee Scrolls"

All
All that i am i have been
All i have been has been a long time coming
I am becoming all that i am

I stand in the middle of all that i have learned
All that i have memorized
All that i've known by heart
Unable to reach any of it
There is no sadness
There is no bliss
It is a forgotten memory

That which I was born
I am no longer
That which i was born
I have lived well beyond
That which I was born
Yet I am

What has become
of my simple truths?
They have become
Complex lies.

Can music change the world?
Are these simply songs to be heard
And forgotten?

Where I live
Music notes take the form
Of dollar signs
Souls sing backup
While material desires
Sing solo

How can I escape this cycle?
Must I turn with the world
In the direction it dictates?
Am I the wind's slave?

Happiness is a medicore standard for a middle-class existence.

The fiery sun of my passions evaporates the love lakes of my soul, clouds my thoughts and rains into you into existence.

-And his words have become my testament......Just appreciate the man's work.

Thoughts

2008-05-19T16:42:00.000-07:00

Life is full of surprises.....tired of surprises at the moment......i need answers.....very little patience as usual.....i guess cause life is short......for my span of patience is even shorter........i can't stand confusion......in a crowd of people, i know where i belong......not there.....i belong somewhere far away from there......that's why i hate crowds........realize everyday that i care too much....live too little.....expect too much from people.......want to get away......stuck......problem is, i'm not too sure what i want......wants and needs.....have to figure those out......i want to go to Japan for year so i can get away but does that mean that i need to??....but what's holding me back?......Fear......change......i ponder.....will getting away for year help me in any way?.....realize that it well........but still in turmoil......so much in the air......don't have enough time to analyze it all.......so i confront some with a venegance......and others i just let them be.......start thinking of "Self-Reliance"....."To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men-that is genius."

I'm getting MARRIED!!!

2008-05-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

So i finally found the man of my dreams staring into my eyes, on his knees, asking me the question that every woman in this world wants to hear in her adult life, "Will you marry me?". My response was of course a yes because why would i want to lose someone i love because i feel I'm not ready for a commitment. We are running away as far as possible....please don't try to contact us.....we will not respond to any calls, texts or emails. We will be somewhere deep in the Sahara doing what we do best, studying each other. You see, he has taught me about the American Revolution, the British monarchy, the ancient civilizations of the world, the mongols, slavery, WWI and WWII. I have a lot more to learn and since i can't learn out here anymore, we are going to travel the world so i can learn some more. You see, I promised history i would marry him, run away with him and never come back. He is so much easier to deal with than any other man i have known.....i daydream of how we are going to make history together.......so i dreamt how i married history last night.....i love history like a fat kid loves cake.....so the personification works for me.....if only we could marry the things that we love dearly, that we know will never lie to us, leave us, cheat on us, the world would be such a better place......history will always be a passion of mine, i ask questions, he answers......i argue, he tells me that it is history so what's done is done......I love him for that.

Everyday life....

2008-05-11T17:54:00.000-07:00

Things that bother me immensly
1) Being @ the mall for longer than an hour....i don't understand the concept of being there all day...when i go to the mall i already know what stores i want to target and what i need to get....makes it easier....don't have to deal with the crowds.
2) Not being able to have a decent conversation with people.....basically can't stand ignorance.
3) Can't stand music they play on the radio anymore, specifically rap......in my ears, its trash.
4) Females who feel as if a man is all they need to survive in this world.
5) Men who hit their women.
6) Hillary Clinton still trying to win the democractic nomination....no pun intended but Obama has more of the delegate vote....so Hillary, please give up....Bill can't save you @ this point.
5) People who think that reading is for nerds.
6) People who think that going to a techincal school is going to college and compare it to acquiring a college degree....believe me, it's not.
7) People who don't encourage their children to go to school.
8) People who believe that being hood is a profession.
9) Hypocrites.....everyone of us is one.....some just take it to another level....those i can't deal with.
10) Females who feel that every man they have sex with will date them.....trust me, it was a one night stand.....you will not hear from him again unless its @ 2a.m in the morning.....and you know what we call that.....booty call.
11) Men who feel that every woman they have sex with is after them.....trust me, two can play the game....please watch the movie in order to catch my drift.
12) People who tell me that i'm too strong......what the heck is that supposed to me?
13) Being unhappy @ work or anything that i do on a regular basis.....it discourages me easily.
14) Being discouraged.
15) Liking somebody......u know that they like u back.......but u're still not sure......
16) Uncertainty
17) The future and what it holds.......can i just know now whats going to happen then so i can try and prevent it?
18) Heights
19) Escalators
20) People who act like they care when they really don't.
There is more to come.......

Inspire to be inspired

2008-05-09T17:27:00.001-07:00

Free verse keeps me sane!!!

Inspiration is slowly creeping in.....slowly finding myself again......in the midst of the chaos, i am calm......i ignore the noise......i accept the calmness from within......and i write.......realize that i am alone.....for some insane reason, i love it as much as i hate it.......the extremes in me face each other....its an ongoing battle......not sure who wins the war but i'm still calm.........isn't that odd?......disassociate myself from the people that don't matter......point being they don't matter.......they will not improve my quality of life and neither will i improve theirs.......i speak louder.....bolder......blunter.......and i'm ok with that.......i find peace when i'm heard.......i care less when i'm not because i'm careless.......free spirit......searching for more......and i find it......i find it in him........he who is so different from me......i push a lot......push him away......don't go far.....then he pushes me away.......and we end up @ square one wondering what the hell is this friction between us.......eventually one will give up........and inspiration continues to creep in..........in the midst of the chaos, i'm not sure i know myself like i thought i did......realize i'm young......still have some growing up to do......start dreaming about the past.........the past that is so much better than my present......so unsure of the future......the past might have been ugly......rememeber a lot.........forget a little......always rememeber the pain.......most importantly remember the good times.....trips to Al Ain......try to forget my dad.....but how can i......i am his daughter.......i am my father's daughter.....therefore i drink like him........i know better though.......the happiest i've seen my mom was graduation......that was it for me........and inspiration continues to creep in......tells me that that i need to inspire another in order to be inspired........so i do what i do and i do it well!

breath of fresh air

2008-05-07T18:59:00.000-07:00

I had that once, that breath of fresh air, and i can't get enough of it......sad thing is that its long gone.......i miss it.......it was so different, so calming.......brought out a side of me that i haven't seen......i guess i learned that there is so much good in me that i hardly share and fresh air just helped me spread the wealth......i want it back.....but i can't have it.....it belongs to someone else.......don't want to take it away from its happiness......would be selfish on my part.......so i continue to miss the things that i cannot have.......i realize that fresh air only comes about once in a blue moon.....maybe i'll get another chance......maybe fresh air will breathe thru me again......until that day comes though i have to leave fresh air where it belongs........at home.......not with me.

Funny how life comes at you!!!

2008-04-25T15:53:00.000-07:00

Its funny how people make comments about what they think i want.......i don't take offense to it...i just think that it's funny.....was told that i don't want a boyfriend cause i like to have fun.....my question is why have a boyfriend if you can't have fun with him??? Why do we have to stay @ home by ourselves b/c we have finally found eachother?????........ doesn't everyone want to have fun....why can't i have both...fun and boyfriend??? is it too much to ask for?????
Weddings galore again this year......if one more person gets engaged this year, i will honestly move across continents....made up my mind about moving...August 2009.....Houston or Japan.......2 extremes.....i've always been complicated......thus i'm extreme when it comes to decisions that i make......i really don't have a lot of luck with guys.......weddings make me nervous....make me realize how i'm so not ready for a commitment of that magnitude.........emotional occasion to say the least......i haven't been writing....feel the passion being drained........i'm emotionally crippled by all that's going on.....its funny how i can listen to people's problems all day, encourage them to go for their dreams by night, check on them when they're ill......i never get that in return......Christine listens though....love her for that......maybe i'm just being extreme as usual.........death is a way of life....have been thinking a lot about death lately......somebody's always got to die.....its the circle of life.....we just don't know which one of us is going first.......i miss being someone's priority.......i feel like i'm always an option.......why don't you just pick me???? Pick me.....as i am....smart, bold, beautiful, extreme, emotional, sarcastic, optimistic.....just pick me. But then again, my track record with shoving guys away is very high.....so u might want to go back to her.......u might lose me somewhere in my awakwardness......i'm goin to Vegas next weekend......excited to get away from this forsaken place.......Prince Caspian coming out on May 16th has been jumpin for joy....seriously.......read The Kite Runner......it was so real......reminded me of being deported.....i need to write about that......i have so much bottled up inside.....i usually would unleash all that's inside with a bottle of vodka by my side......so much to say but so little time.......writing has saved my life........my inspirations can't seem to inspire me anymore......i'm trying to shed this dead skin but it's not working......i'm tired of being alone in a room full of people i know......i would rather be alone somewhere where i know not a single soul......start fresh.....life is full of surprises......someone told me that if i find love that i shouldn't run away from it.......i just don't believe that i should find love....its needs to find me....and if its meant to be then so be it.....we do what we do and we do what we live.

Something.Someone.Somewhere.will understand.

2008-03-16T19:47:00.000-07:00

It's like everyone is slipping through the cracks of my life....it seems that i don't care anymore.......that's not in my nature.....i'm usually the caring one........i guess i got tired.......i'm tired of the weather change.....i'm tired of friends trying to be friends when they feel like it......I miss Houston....I miss Eritrea.....I miss Ethiopia....I miss the places I've been........I miss the people i let go......I miss the people who let me go.........I miss the people i can't have........Friendship is important......Love is overrated........I'm tired of being sucked into people's gravity........I need to find my own gravity and get lost in it.......I don't know where i am........I'm in Arlington, Tx.......I dislike this place with every passing day........Austin, here i come.......Houston, next stop.......I'm moving back to the H by August 2009.......I miss my college days.......I love the idea of being in love even though i have never been in love.......but i still believe that love is overrated and that i'm underestimated in my capacity of loving someone.......I pull and i push......i try to pull back again....realize that i have no second chance.........and then i start shoving......I shove so hard that i discard the memories of pulling........i lose people when i talk.....i get distracted.......they get distracted.....and there is that awkward silence......makes me realize how awkward i am......then i rememeber how i never belonged in the first place........so the bottle of Dos Equis....or Red Stripe.....or Corona.....or Bud Light....or better yet Patron....even better Chardonnay..........those bottles become my companions.....i miss those bottles when i don't have them.......that bottle.....or the many i continue to have make me belong......everyone starts talking about how cool i am......and at the momemt.....i regret trying to be someone that i'm not........and realize that i have lost myself completely in the crowd......i'm so adamant on being different......isn't that what everyone is trying to be.....different? and then i realize again......i have become like everyone else is......I'm very optimistic.......very openminded.........I've grown up so much.....I need to shed some dead skin.

Always on my mind!!!!

2008-02-11T18:21:00.000-08:00

i realized that i've been alone all my life....tired of being alone......i miss me...... i miss poetry.......i feel dead inside.....can't find the passion in me......it's been gone for a while......maybe its because i'm not happy right now.........i'm partying too much.....reminds me of freshman year......i love talking bout music.......music has changed so much..........i don't like holding on to people.........i feel my strength fading away these days.......i feel like i'm becoming more like my father........i'm pretty and sweet.......i'm random and awkward........Jay-Z will be in Dallas on 04/12..........i like surprises..........i appreciate presents...........Valentine's Day is overrated..........i'm falling into a pitch of darkness.......i feel like i'm walking to a jail cell whenever i'm @ work.........i miss him........i want to disappear.......tokyo or cairo sound perfect..........i'm still mad @ my father...........if anyone choose the easy way out he did.
I think too much..........I live too little.

I can't have what i want!!!

2008-01-03T19:56:00.000-08:00

Patience is not a virtue that i have.... therefore i'm not patient.
I want something that i can't have......therefore i still want you.

Just another one!!

2007-12-21T17:43:00.000-08:00

I feel ugly; i feel lonely. But i am lonely. in a room filled with noise i still feel alone. therefore no point in feeling lonely because i'm living lonely. I feel defeated. Defeat is felt only by the weak they tell me. So i guess i'm weak. success is soon to come. just not soon enough for me. i dream big. i live small. i fear too much. There is so much i want to do but my fear consumes me. it eats me alive. i hear nothing. silence is calmness; a great virtue. But i hear silence too often. am i going deaf??? no, it's just me, always end up on the short hand of the stick.

Patience is a virtue; Faith is important...... I need to lean on faith more often!!!

We know what we are, but know not what we may be- Shakespeare

Untitled......12/06/06!!

2007-12-21T17:37:00.001-08:00

Wrote this one sometime last year, for some reason, it is one of my faves!! Enjoy!!

to finally have you in my life is a godsend. god has blessed me with your love, patience, knowledge, confidence and beauty. to finally have you in my life is a miracle. so i pray every night that you will stay with me if only for one more day so we can cherish our todays like we have no tomorrows because for all we know tomorrow is never promised to the likes of me and you. to finally have you in my life is a dream come true. so i dream every night that this love is everlasting because i can't imagine my life love less since i am a person who loves more than she can be loved.
And i wake up, and u never even existed

Your Mundane Existence!!

2007-12-21T17:30:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of this mundane existence
Your mundane existence, that is
While you sit there contemplating
Why dude you've been
messin with, sleepin with
is talking to me and not to you
I sit here knowin that I'm,
I'm not even giving dude a chance
Your mundane existence, that is,
has made you so petty, shallow
has made me reflect on my blunt personality
that i inherited from an Eritrean mother
who told me that in order to understand life,
I have to die first.
So i die, a sweet death everyday,
and wake up understanding life.
but you,
You are still stuck in your mundane existence.

MY REALITY CHECK!!

2007-12-21T17:03:00.000-08:00

I wrote this one about a year and half ago in my handy dandy book of poems; it deserves to be on here so here goes ......... MY REALITY CHECK.

People are not who we think they are. I have learned to forgive but can never forget. I have learned that in order to live you have to let go of your insecurities. I have not done that YET. I have learned to accept my friends for who they are and not what I want them to be. I have learned that my concept of friendship is different from others. I have learned that I don't like losing friends. I have learned that some friends are for a season while others are for a lifetime. I have learned that I'm done making friends. I have learned that alcohol is my #1 enemy and smoking is my #2. I have learned that i talk too much when not needed and talk too little when needed. I have learned that i don't defend myself as much as i should. I have learned that i would rather have my friends be comfortable in my home than myself. I have learned that i put other people's happiness as my priority instead of mine. I have learned that i am lazy. I have learned that i am not as independent as i should be. I have learned that reading gives me a peace of mind. I have learned that I don't know as much about history as I should. I have learned that i mean a lot to some people and a little to others. I have learned that i am wise. I have learned that i am destined for great things. I have learned that i was once lost but now i'm found. I have learned that poetry inspires me. I have learned that knowledfe is what i yearn the most. I have learned that writing eases my heart. I have learned that going A.K.A made me happy. I have learned that going A.K.A wasted my money. I have learned that i'm different. I have learned that i took the road less traveled. I have learned to accept myself as who I am and not how others want me to be. I have learned that i assume too much. I have learned that i am not as brave as i want to be. I have come to terms with myself. I have learned that nothing comes easy in life. I have learned that i love too much. I have learned that a man will not make me complete. I have learned that i am not complete YET. I have learned from my mistakes. I have learned that i am not ready for a man. I have learned that when i am ready for a man that he will be the one. I have learned that i am not ashamed of myself. I have learned that i do not care about image. I have learned that i want to be loved. I have learned that people talk about me as much as i talk abouth them. I have learned to set my mind free. I have learned that i love my culture as much as i hate it. I have learned that i can go on forever. I have learned that i am a freethinker. I have learned that self revealation is key. All this i have LEARNED. All that i have learned........REALITY CHECK.

All the world's a stage......

2007-12-04T19:58:00.000-08:00

"All the world's a stage,
and all the men and women merely players:
they have their exits and their entrances;
and one man in his time plays many parts;
His acts being seven ages."
Shakespeare in "AS YOU LIKE IT"

Shakespeare said it best in his play "As you like it"; it is a profound observation of the human life. We are all born into this world with specific intentions from God, high expectations from our parents and loved ones. We grow up to leave our parents behind, create our own families, find jobs and live these happy lives that we imagined we would live as children just to realize that life is a play; the world is a stage and we are actors. We act out roles that were meant for us and us only. In everything that comes with life, we act. We act out happiness, sadness, love and all the freaking emotions you can imagine. As actors, we are expected to live, learn, love, hate, achieve and fail. Growing up, we imagine that we will be bestfriends with our bestfriends' forever until we realize that some people are meant to stay in our lives and others are not. There are those people who are placed in your life so you can endure the tests of life together; there are those people who will be encouraging friends and some others who will be discouraging. And when these people have made their exits out of our lives, we realize what a blessing or hindrance they were to our lives. And we continue to act and live, learn, love, hate, achieve and fail. And then suddenly, when we least expect it, we are gone. Dead. People remember our entrance into this world and our exit, our exit is eventually forgotten. After all, all the world's a stage and all the men and woman merly players.

I do what i do and i live what i do!!!

2007-11-20T20:38:00.000-08:00

Life is not what it seems to be.

Miracles are found in the little things; Problems are found in all the big things.

So it is best to live life little by little; step by step appreciating the beauty of our problems and despising the monotony of every day life. Accept change for what it is because change changes us for the better.

I'm stuck on "WE do what WE do and WE live what WE do", so true since common sense provides us with that, but it took the rapper Common to make me realize it.

Self revelation is the key to life.

I don't like liars and i don't like cheaters; its random but there is a long story behind it.

Happiness is important; Love is underrated; Life is a bitch; Death is expected and never accepted; Forgiveness is powerful; Karma is harsh; Men talk as much as women do!!!

I refuse to settle, when it comes to everything: education, jobs and men.

Why do we expect so much from people??

I love this way cause i NEVER got it as a kid- Common fans should know this one except that my version is a bit different.

I will always take the road less traveled!!

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times".... Charles Dickens said it best on "A Tale of Two Cities." As humans, we always experience the best and the worst of things.

I have to stop underestimating myself; i'm too smart for that.

The fact that i know a lot about everything actually makes me happy.

Self-Reliance is the key to success but Teamwork is important as well.

Just some thoughts that have been running through my mind.

i need to vent.... no, i actually need to rant!!!

2007-10-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

My week has started off not as well as i expected. didn't get the job, freak that, didn't even get a chance for a second interview for the job that i wanted with Target. i'm really discouraged right now. it seems as if everything gets worse before it gets better. Graduation money is running out so when December rolls around i won't be able to make my insurance payments the way things are looking. I have another Americredit interview on Wenesday so i'm praying for that one. it pays way more and tuition reimbursment after year, that can put me through grad school. thinking about doing the overseas thing after summer of 08. i should do it, it would make me happier. we shall see what is instore for me.
On a lighter note, i'm at 176.5 pds now, that brings me at a total loss of 45.5 pds. weight loss seems to be the only thing that is going right in my life right now. maybe because it has been one of the major obstacles of my life!!!
I've been ranting too much!!

Despair!

2007-10-09T16:16:00.000-07:00

Life, in general, is getting the best of me!!
Stuck at a dead end job.
A Degree is nothing but a piece of paper!!
Job searching since July has drained me.
Monster, HotJobs or CareerBuilder are no good in my eyes.

Self doubt!!

2007-10-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

I'm doubting myself right now, or should i say that i'm doubting what God can do for me right now. I really don't know what to expect from life!!! I'm drained and i don't know why!!!

i don't fit in!

2007-10-02T15:07:00.000-07:00

i don't fit in. i don't know where i fit in. at this point, i really could care less.
and it still seems to bother me that i don't fit in.
too sensitive!!

Prayers answered in unconvential means!!!

2007-10-01T16:49:00.001-07:00

I believe that all the praying that I have been doing to obtain a better job has been answered. Lets cross our fingers. Eventhough the job is not as great as i want it to be, all that matters is that God answered my prayers!! It might not be the job that i wanted, but it is still a job that is going to pay me more than i am getting paid now. It is a job that provides benefits, a quarterly bonus and tuition reimbursement. I might be going to grad school sooner than expected because of that!! So i will continue you to scream that "GOD IS GOOD".

I miss........

2007-09-25T09:10:00.000-07:00

I miss Ethiopia. I miss not having to wake up in the morning for either school or work, therfore, i miss the summers from my childhood. I miss reading. I still read, just not as much. I miss playing. I still play around, just not that meaningless playing with your friends where your imagination runs wild. I miss being smart. I believe that i'm a smart person, just not as smart as i was growing up. I used to read historical and political books when i was 12. I miss the 7 months i spent in Eritrea. I did nothing but spend time with friends and family. I miss true friendship. I miss watching Tom & Jerry, Power Rangers, The Cosby Show, A Different World, Boy Meets World. I miss 90's R&B: Xscape, Jodeci, RKelly, EnVogue, Ginuwine, BlackStreet and more. I miss living at home. I miss not having to worrying about paying next month's rent. I miss Houston. I miss affection. I miss stability. I miss comfort.
Basically, I miss my past, because I'm annoyed by my present and I'm not sure about my future!!

God is Good!!

2007-09-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

So on Tuesday, I go on campus since there was a hip-hop feminist speaking and really wanted to hear what she had to say. Had a great time with my friend, Debbie and we both decided to stop by Starbucks before we went our seperate ways for the night. We walked by the newspaper stand so i picked up a copy of The Shorthorn (UTA's newspaper) and started reading the front page and saw that they were having a Career Fair. I have been looking for a job on Monster, HotJobs and CareerBuilder and had started giving up on the search. By the time i read about the career fair, it was already 10 p.m but u decided to go ahead and print some resumes and try my luck at the career fair. I get to the fair at 11 a.m, the first company I talked to was Target. They gave me some info on the company, told me to apply for the Executive Team Leader position and that i would get a call by the end of next week. Now you might think that this is not a big deal, but it was a big deal to me because i saw this whole event as a sign from God. God was telling me not to give up so fast. The reason i say that is because my mentor, Mr. Henry, works for Target and i ended up talking to him yesterday, he encouraged me to apply for the position and even gave me his Employee Id # for the referral. So i say God is Good because everything that transpired yesterday was God's work. I had nothing to do with it, God knew what position i am in and he blessed me.
So say it with me.........God is Good, All the Time.........All the Time, God is Good!!!
When i get that job, I'm going to make God and my mom proud!!!!!!
And i forgot to add that my sis, Abby, has an interview tomorrow, God is really Good!!!!

Search..... and you shall find a better you!!

2007-09-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

I have been searching for something all my life; what that something is i am yet to find out. I guess the search is what makes us all human, looking for that something that will give us that sense of achievement. The most important search in life is the search for oneself. You need to able to find yourself in the midst of the chaos of daily life since you don't want your search to be effortless. Once you have found yourself, u can go for more searching. Your searches will lead you to both success and failure, happiness and sadness but most importantly your search will make a difference when death comes knocking at your door. Life is full of searching and by searching you reach multiple goals whether you like it or not. Every chapter of your life has been reached after searching. So as i search to see where my life will lead me next, i wonder if u are searching along with me!!!

Passion dying away!!

2007-09-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

Every day that passes me by, i feel even emptier inside. My passion seems to die with every moment that slips through the cracks of my hands. Recent achievements seem worthless. Degrees are just pieces of paper, nothing more, nothing less. Friendship means so much to me but is so overrated for others, thus friendship is overrated. Loyalty might be important to me but not so important to others and so every day my feelings seem to get crushed. I feel like i'm digging a hole for myself. There is no one here to save me but myself but i'm constantly losing myself. My life has been swallowed by a giant whale that doesn't know where its headed, it hungers for more though. My soul seems to survive through all the pain and heartbreak, i don't know how. I guess that's what makes me a strong person. I just want to escape for a while, go somewhere far away from here and just relax.

Frustration!!

2007-08-29T13:31:00.000-07:00

I feel like my degree is worth nothing. I have applied for so many jobs and i am yet to hear from them. I tired. I don't know what to do. Money is running short. I just want to get a job that will pay me enough to survive until January when hopefully i will start teaching. I guess i always want everything to go my way but it can't happen like that all the time!!
I'm at work, doing nothing but feeling frustrated by the minute.
I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, my hair will be really short for the first time in my life and i'm kind of excited!!

Same Shit, Different Day!!!

2007-08-22T17:30:00.001-07:00

Even though i have lost 40 pounds since January, i still feel very ugly. Actually, I don't think i've ever felt this deep wave of ugliness ever. Everyday, i feel myself become lonely. Everyday starts of to be great but something happens and again i am attacked with a wave of emotions. i'm scared i'm going to end up by myself for the rest of my life.
What do i want from life??
I need to answer that question first, but most importantly i need to be happy.
I haven't been happy in a long time!!

Undergraduate life is over!! Real world here i come!!

2007-08-18T15:14:00.000-07:00

As of August 11th, 2007, I'm officially a graduate from the University of Texas in Arlington with a B.A in History and a minor in Womens' Studies. 5 years and 1000's of dollars later, all I got when I walked across the stage was a piece of paper with University of Texas in Arlington on it. It didn't even have my name on the inside. I'm going to miss college, miss the parties, miss sorority life and I surely will miss some of the people I have met over the past few years. The time has come for me to move on to bigger and better things, to improve my life in anyway possible. I will be starting my certification classes soon so hopefully I can start teaching by January. It is a change I need to get used to. Anything that has occured in my life has occured in 7's. I was 7 when I moved from Abu Dhabi to Addis Ababa. 7 years later, I moved to Eritrea. 7 months after that, I moved to Houston. 7 years later, I have graduated from college.
I guess the question remains: 7 yrs from now, what event will occur in my life???
Hopefully, what every young lady dreams about, a beautiful wedding!! If not, I will settle for a Ph.d and a trip to Egypt!!!
Sounds exciting!!

Falling!

2007-07-24T16:57:00.000-07:00

In a matter of minutes, I am overcome with a wave of emotions.
I don't know how to deal with it so i continue to worry about things i have no control over.
I need help in so many aspects of my life, i need somebody to reach out to.
I reach out and i feel nothing.
I'm falling with nobody to rescue me.
I'm falling into an endless pit.

what the world does to me

2007-06-19T15:19:00.000-07:00

the world makes me change in a way i don't expect
like the process of aging
that really is getting to me
but i'm only 24
and i'm tired of partying!!
i'm tired of meeting new people, now that really is a big change!!
i get embarrased way easily now
i drink a lot less
weigh a lot more
stress a lot more and
date a lot less
change is funny
makes me wonder what i'll be like in the ten years
when the world continues to do what it does to me

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2007-06-09T08:04:00.000-07:00

Life is hard.
I feel myself going into a rut again.
I really am complaining about things that i have no control over.
Death was the easy way out for him.
And he choose it so quickly.

Back to Black!!

2007-06-08T16:58:00.000-07:00

U go back to her and i go back to black...... i fade away from ur memory so quick that our many adventures together become your many adventures with her......U go back to her and i go back to black..... ur ship has long sailed away but i still stand at bay waiting for u to come back....... U go back to her and i go back to black...... its like waiting at the airport for a loved one to arrive just to hear that their flight got cancelled......U go back to her and i go back to black.....all hope has done is leave me hopeless.......U go back to her and i go back to black....our future together has slippped through the cracks......U go back to her and i go back to black!!!

Continous cycle of depression!

2007-06-06T14:23:00.001-07:00

i love my life as much as i hate it.
i'm tired.

Better.

2007-06-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

I feel as if my week is off to a good start. Dropped Abby off at her internship @ 8:30 a.m and went walking with Adrienne. I feel energized eventhough i didn't get enough sleep last night. Went to class late but my teacher is cool, really laid back. Now i'm at work. Also weighed myself this morning and i believe i have gained 2 pounds. I'm not even frustrated about it because i know that i can correct it. I have adopted a lifestyle that is making me happy and i know that i will gain some pounds here and there; all i have to do is work on it. I'm @ 190 pds right now. I'm proud of what i have accomplished over the past few months. I haven't made time to write poetry in the past month or two; i don't want to force it. Most of the time i do way better with my writing when it comes naturally.
I was thinking about my family today; its funny how they try to protect from the world and end up harming u in the same instant.
Abby will have her car by next weekend i believe. I can take the Honda to the shop.
Very boring weekend, went to work and went to sleep. Friday night i was being pampered by my dear friend, Adrienne, she did my hair and i feel asleep @ her place. Was raining outside. Woke up @ 6 a.m to go home and get ready for work.
I want to use big words!!

Past couple of days.

2007-05-28T11:47:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling lost these past couple of days, confused on what I'm going to do after graduation if I don't get a teaching job. I was thinking a lot about my dad last night because i still have some animosity towards him. Its been a year and a half since he passed away, its also been almost 17 years since i last saw him. My mother was my father and mother; she did a great job raising us. She deserves way better than what life has given her. Graduation is a celebration for her, not me. Hopefully she is proud of the girls that she raised.
I have a dream that one day............. I really don't know. I know I have a dream; I just can't seem to find it. I have not dreamt in such a long time; all my positive thoughts have become a distant and hazy memory.
All things, whether good or bad, come to an end.
I think i have lost faith!!

Life.....Death....Love......Hope.......Faith.......Happiness

2007-05-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

Perception of Life changes with every year that ends, with every mission we embark on, we realize that our outlook on certain things change. I have grown into a completely different person. Mature yet childlike i believe. I still have a problem with acceptance. I want to be accepted by my family now more than ever. I don't even care about the outside world just my family. I am so different from everyone else, i feel that every time i turn around, i am being made fun off. I am still so very sensitive when it comes to my family , i can't help it though. I have forgotten how it feels to have faith and trust in somebody..... I'm way better than Abby..... but i'm getting there. Happiness has become a lost cause, a fleeting dream. Every morning i wake up to sirens in my ear telling me that i will amount to nothing. Should i believe that?? Should i believe that i will amount to nothing???
Weddings galore this summer and next year, I'm really not ready for the emotions!!!
Graduation around the corner warning me that i might be jobless come August!!!
I will officially go broke then.
I miss feeling wanted. I miss feeling appreciated.
I miss me. I have lost me somewhere in this world of many other me's and i can't seem to find me.
I can never figure it out.
Why is it that everyone has a boyfriend but me???
Sitting here daydreamin that love will eventually find me, the sad part is, i don't even know what love is anymore.
All hope is lost for this one.

Death is a way of life....My story is worth a verse.....Got this one from Mike-E when he did "Mezeker means to Rememeber" on Def Jam Poetry!!

in the event of the demise of the poet!!

2007-05-09T01:59:00.000-07:00

in the event of the demise of the poet, i urge u to pick up a pen and write. write about your yesterday, your today and your tomorrow. since tomorrow was never promised to the poet realize that it is not promised to you either so just pick up a pen and write. write about the wrong doings of mankind towards the earth we walk on. write about polgamy, misgony and pornography. in the event of the demise of the poet, become the poet. realize that money isn't what makes the world go round, words do. write about the richness of the land of Egypt, write about racism. realize that race is a word constructed by a certain race to dominate another race, to make the other race weaker when really it is the other way around. write about the beauty of love. write about how u fell in love. write about how u feel out of love. in the event of the demise of the poet, i urge u to pick up a pen and write. realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder so your ugly is my beautiful. write about how ugly drugs are and how beautiful death is. write about how death can empower one to do better for themselves. realize that the death of the poet is what has made u the poet. in the event of the demise of the poet, i urge u to pick up a pen and write. write about your yesterday, your today and your tomorrow. since tomorrow was never promised to the poet realize that it is not promised to you so just pick up a pen and write.

Tugging at my heart!!

2007-04-25T03:45:00.000-07:00

If this was a different world, i would be in love with you and you with me. Imagination lets me wander into a world were me and you meet; its the perfect occasion. I'm the pretty girl at the bar getting a glass of wine and u notice me from a distance; u don't say a word to your friends but just get up and come towards me because u don't want someone to grab my attention before u do. I'm sipping on my glass watching and listening to the jazz band play some soothing blues melody when u approach me and u have already figured out that there is an attraction. u are my type of guy and i thank god under my breath. that chance meeting ends us in a whirlworld romance and a year later, u want to make me your wife.
How naive of me to imagine all of this and forget the tribulations that come with every relationship. The perfectionist in me wants the perfect spouse but i'll never find that. Can't even find someone who likes me for me. Not changing my personality for somebody else but need to get rid of my flaws. To think that my imaginary love will come true is just that; imaginary. So while i sit here and wait for this imaginary spouse, many a perfect man have slipped through the cracks of my life and have left me lonely. Desperate was never the name of my game.
I just want peace, i want to get away to some place where i don't want to feel the pressure of having companionship.

Everyday life!!

2007-04-23T14:34:00.000-07:00

I have not been writing much, not on my blog or my diary. I have become consumed with my weight loss because it has been a long time since I have seen my physical self in a positive way. So I'm at work, should be doing my french homework since i'm in the downstairs office but i don't seem to have the energy to do anything these days. I'm so ready for graduation. Hopefully i can get one of these overseas jobs so i can get out of here.
Its sad to hear that someone from your highschool passed away. Shalonda was a very vibrant person, the last time i talked to her was my freshmen year of college. She had a great personality. She will be greatly missed.
I'm tired of running into the same old people, i'm tired of the negativty that sorority life sometimes brings along with it, i'm tired of people thinking that they are better than everyone else, i'm tired of men putting their hands on women, i'm tired of men cheating on their girlfriends, i'm tired of girlfriends cheating on their men, i'm tired of being friends with people who don't even care about me, i'm tired of loving people and not being loved back, i'm tired of being something that i'm not.
Its funny to hear from your own brother that u're too strong or aggressive for a guy, what a shame, i have to change my personality just to find a man.

If it was up to me

2007-03-22T13:55:00.000-07:00

If it was up to me, my mom would be the Queen of Egypt, and i would be the courts official poet cause i was blessed by the God of the sun, moon and stars with the artistic ability to put words together and make something so intricate, so simple. My mom would be proud of her first born cause i would be nourshing our seemingly ignorant population with the knowledge of the ones that passed. If it was up to me, my mom would still be young with a husband who actually did not beat her because she took their kids on a trip since he could not do it. They would still be husband and wife, and I, would be their poetically inclined daughter recounting many books that i wrote, in my imagination, i would have seen my father before he passed to tell him what a punk he is, was and will continue to be. If it was up to me, i would have made sure that he didn't pick the easy way out, u see, death is the easy way out, but to me he died the day that i left him and never saw him again. To me he died, the day he gave up on the two daughters he had with this amazingly beautiful and strong Eritrean woman who would have done anything for their daughters. To me he died, like a man who had never lived therefore making him nonexistent in my existence. If it was up to me, i would be proud of who i am, my father's daughter but instead i deny the every drop of blood of his family in me cause he was never my father. If it was up to me, he would a joyous memory of love, hope and family but instead he becomes a memory that i want to flee cause he brings me nothing but heartache, despair and disillusion. If it was up to me, i would not be as cruel to him right now as he was to me.

Divide and Conquer: History repeats itself.

2007-03-21T15:03:00.000-07:00

This piece needs a lot more work but here it goes!!!

History repeats itself i say. Divide and Conquer is the game they played cause they knew they could control our minds. Actually, we choose to let them control our feeble thinking brains, we listened to them tell us that light skin is the best skin and the lighter we are the cuter our kids will be. This is how we are conditioned to think, and the hypocrite in me believes it. 99 was a very good year for me cause i moved to the land of oppurtunity but i now know that this land has no oppurtunity for me cause i'm not white enough. i'm not black enough either. When i talk to someone of another race, i'm too black and when i talk to someone darker than me, i'm not black enough cause i have a CLIPPED british accent, at least that's what my boss told me when a couple of days ago a client complained to him about my GHETTONESS. So i stay confused cause i don't have an identity to give everyone else but what matters the most is that i know myself.
Its sad to say that i didn't learn much about history in class, most of what i learned came from reading books with historical accounts of the Beta Israel Jews that lived in Ethiopia for decades and no one knew of their existence because divide and conquer was the game that was played. Divide and conquer was the game that was played when Egyptians keep on thinking that they are Arab when they really are African cause they exist on the African continent and just where influenced by the Middle East. The reason for Darfur is divide and conquer because even Africans now think that they are better than other Africans when we are all facing the same problem: Divide and conquer.
You see, History repeats itself. The two major issues that have plagued the world since its existence have been religion and politics; they continue to remain so because the Christains believe that Muslims are harmful failing to realize that Islam is a peaceful religion; if they had read the Quran they would have known that. Colonialism has everyone bitter; Africans fightingover miniscule matters and ex-colonists laughing at the condition they left the nations.

I lose the one i love to Death!

2007-03-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

i'm lost without you because you are me. my soul yearns for the one that it will lose since the day will come when me and you are no longer we. so what do we do? do we tie the knot knowing we are bound to lose each other to this play that we call our life. because this world is our stage and we are merely its characters. death finds all and death will make me lose you and you lose me. thus death is my enemy. i can overcome any enemy except for death. i guess that is why wedding vows state "till death do us part." can i marry u knowing that to death i will lose u??

Greekdom

2007-03-17T08:42:00.000-07:00

The world of African American Greeks is really interesting because even as a Greek i feel like I don't belong. I'm an insider but also an outsider maybe because of the different levels in my personality. I have been a member of my prestigious sorority for almost 3 years now and I feel like so much has changed within the Greek World. I honestly believe that most people who have entered and will continue to enter the wonderful world of Greekdom are joining for the wrong reason. Strolling or Strutting is not all we do. Running our organizations is a business; if you are not business minded or not willing to learn how to run a business , then Greek Life is not for you. If you are not willing to attend community service, Greek Life is not for you. Now, if you have to work and pay your bills, if you had a test the day before and you really want to just sleep in this one Saturday, I completely understand. What I do not understand and refuse to understand is continuous tardiness or absences. You were present at every event and actually on time before you joined my organization, probably one of the reasons we picked you, so why is it that i have to call you every time we have an event to remind you of the event.
I have also noticed that people are joining Greek Life in order to attain some sort of status on their college campus. I want to understand their status while in college will help them get into the real world but it will be a distant dream in 6 months. Instead of asking what the organization can do for you, ask yourself what you can do for the organization.
So much more to say but not enough time, there will be a very detailed Part 2!!

Speaking=Art?

2007-03-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

A close friend of mine once told me that i have been graced with the art of speaking. I quietly contemplate that everyday now. Is speaking an art?

The imperfection of the world and all its objects.

2007-03-16T14:44:00.000-07:00

Amid singing praises for people that I honestly thought were doing well for themselves and the people around them, I'm disappointed again by the human being. Reality has set upon me so now I have accepted what I've always known, Noone is Perfect. Imperfection is what makes us human; I love imperfection because it makes me stand out from everyone else. If the world was perfect what would we ever learn from each other??? Imperfection can be both good and bad; when you see the bad like I have over the past month, that's when you tell yourself that actions speak louder than words and move on. I have also realized to defend only myself because you will again be disappointed by the ones you defend. People pick their battles, you can't fight their battles for them.
I have started making changes in my lifestyle; eating habits have completely changed. I need to be healthy; over the past 6 weeks I have lost 17 pds which is a great achievement for me because i had started to give up last year on the weight loss. 6 weeks ago is the biggest I've ever been. I remember sharing jeans with my sister in high school cause i fit them, now, i have to lose at least another 40 to get to my goal. Graduation is in August, looking forward to getting out of here. Hopefully Japan will workout because i really want to get away from here, somewhere far away from here, where no one knows who i am and i don't know them either.
I went out with the girls last night, had an alright time, realized that i don't like crowded places. I get easily paranoid, saw some familiar faces and got annonyed even more. I'm tired of the same crowd, sad part is that I don't even go out that much. The last time I was at a Grown and Sexy was January, now isn't that sad??? Been doing a lot more poetry lately, performance wise, i still got to polish my skills though. I also need to start writing more. Junichi has been a great inspiration because when he talks, you want to listen. I'm just tired of the ignorant people who cannot keep their mouths shut while people are speaking about women empowering women or how a man should treat a woman. People don't seem to appreciate the art of spoken word.
Four weddings this summer that I'm not ready for. Dresses, hair, makeup, shoes. All a hassle to put up a front. I ask myself, why all the buzz about somebody else's wedding????

I'm Doing it Again.

2007-01-05T11:43:00.000-08:00

I'm doing it again, the endless cycle of life, I'm doing it again, allowing the negativity of this disdain hypocrisy, bother me. I'm doing it again, repeating last year's resolution since i didn't do anything to resolve it last year. I'm doing it again, declaring to the world, that i am free but im still imprisoned by the mistakes that my mother made many yesterdays ago. I'm doing it again, believing that tomorrow will be better than yesterday forgetting that tomorrow is shaped by what i did yesterday and what i'm doing today. I'm doing it again, allowing the pessimistic views of this supposed democracy which really is a patricrachy that disappoints me everyday, to ruin my thirst for an independent world. I'm doing it again, being a double standard!!

Once Again!!

2007-01-05T10:24:00.000-08:00

Once again a new year is blessing me with something that i'm despising the most at the moment: getting older. In exactly a month, i'll be turning 24 and as much as i'm happy about it, i'm also saddened because i am really disappointed with the fact that i still am in college. Still young though, have the world in my hand, its time to go, see and conquer. Improvement is needed in many aspects of my life!!!I need to boost my self-esteem back up because i let to many things and people get in the way of my happiness. I can't blame that on them though, i can only blame that on myself. My linesister told me last night that i don't give myself enought credit which is true. Its time to focus on my happiness instead of everybody else's.
Went out last night with my linesister and my neos; had a blast. Saw some familiar faces and some new ones. At the end of the night i had to pick up a friend you had to many drinks to drive and drop him home. Didn't go to sleep till 4 in the morning and i had to be up by 7 to get my car checked for this stupid Geico shit!! Now I'm at work doing what i do best, sitting in this quiet office typing away which is better than being upstairs cause i'm too tired.
My friends are like family to me. I have a deep sense of loyalty to these people because i care about them and vice versa. My linesister told me last nite that she is concerned about me sometimes because she is worried about people hurting me. That had to be the most sincere thing that has been said to me by a close friend in a long time. It made me appreciate my friendship not only with her but with the close people around me. Most people don't understand that when i say "i love u" i mean it; even if i haven't known u for a while but we have a pretty good vibe, that's love right there. Conversation is a form of love whether we like it or not. And thats how i love most of my friends; through words, through conversation.

The New Year!!

2007-01-03T09:46:00.000-08:00

So we are already into the third day of this year and thanks to the many blessings from God, everything is going smoothly. I need to test out of French so i can graduate in May and start my alternate certification classes online. New Years Eve was laid back, i was at work all day and at a friends house that evening, all i needed was a relaxed atmosphere with the people that matter the most. i've been writing a lot more lately in my book and it gives me a sense of peace everytime. i was out with Monica last night; its been a while since i've kicked it with her but we had a good time. Might go to Narah tonite and do the hookah. I need to write while i'm there. I have to make this new year a positive year for myself, i need to be less concerned by people's actions towards me, i need to calm down, i stress out too damn much!!! Some changes need to be made, i need to evaluate myself in a different light this year, i know myself but there is so much more to learn.
Life is a maze, too many long roads, too many shortcuts, too many road blocks, i guess we just need to be able to manage through it.

An quiet Christmas!!

2006-12-26T11:23:00.001-08:00

Usually for Christmas, we go to Houston to spend time with the whole fam but since Abby (my younger sis) and I had to work, we just went to Dallas to my uncle's house. My mom cooked some good Italian food for Christmas Eve and some even better Eritrean food for Christmas Day. We also went to see the other uncle which pissed me off because he still hasn't said shit about my dad's passing and it's been a year. The kids are so cute though. Naomi and Nate are going to be real cute when they get older. The year is coming to an end and i need to blog more often next year. I don't know what i'm doing for New Year's Eve since i have to work that day and on the 1st which is fine since i need the money to pay my bills. Graduation is quickly approaching and i need to test out of French so i can register for the rest of my classes. I'll probably smoke a hookah tonite with Abby since i don't have to work tomorrow. Hopefully i won't get called in and if i do its more money!!Besides the point, we went out with Eden this weekend and had a blast. I can't drink like i used to which is a good thing, i had a glass of wine, crown and coke and a beer, that was it, ended up throwing up when i got home. I felt so ugly when we were leaving the apartment cause my hair wouldn't cooperate and my weight has been bothering me even more lately. I have to make weight loss my New Year's resolution. i realized this weekend that my life needs to get better. I mean, its good right now, but i have to strive to make it better when i graduate. There are things i need to take care of like my mother, i don't want her to work for more than 2 years after i graduate, if she does, it just needs to be part time. My mom never lived her life because my dad crushed her but she is such a strong person. I wish i had her strength. she took care of us by any means neccessary and she is about to see us accomplish one of our dreams, graduating from college in May of 2007. The real world awaits.
Hopefully, the real world won't eat me alive!!

Just aimless poetry!!

2006-12-23T13:44:00.000-08:00

distant but the rising sun makes my heart yearn for the ones from my past.
distant but the rising sun makes my heart yearn for the ones in my present.
distant but the rising sun makes my heart yearn for the ones in my future.
while my heart is yearning for more, the sun has rose and set, the day has come and gone and while my heart is yearning for more, the ones from my present have become the past and the ones from my future have become the present and i start to despise Father Time for that. while my heart is yearning for more, the sun has rose and set, and another day has come and gone and my many loves have become my many hates and my loved ones have passed to a better place and i start the despise Father Time for that. while my heart is yearning for more, the sun sets and gives me time to recuperate from the losses i suffered today. sleepless night i say. distant but the rising sun has graced upon me many blessings and downfalls because i make material things matter. why can't the clothes at Target be good enough??? Never enough, i want more but the distant but rising sun makes my heart yearn for nothing less than more!!! More loves, more hates, more clothes, more shoes, more trips, more you!!
distant but the rising sun, i'm aimless while writing about u!

HE IS ME AND I AM HIM!!

2006-12-23T13:27:00.000-08:00

There is no love between me and you because i choose to believe that love does not exist. He chuckles. He stands up and looks me in the eyes, no tears, just a look of despair. I have denied him entry into the soul that he has been wanting for ages, a soul that has been yearning for its mate but yet i look him in the eye and tell him that i can't love him. that's not a sufficent reason he tells me. He tells me that the fact that i choose to believe that love does not exist is not a sufficent reason for us to go our seperate ways. and i admit to myself that its not. for the past few years he has been the every reason for my existence, my monotonus existence became a fullfilled life because of him. He continues to stare me in the eye. He knows how to look into the depths of my being, places i have never been before, he has been to since i've let him. The one thing that he wants i can't give and he can't take because he has to be permitted to do so. He pauses, looks around for a minute and says u write about me everyday so u've already opened the doors to your soul. Love does exist he says because you put pen to paper and write about me for hours at a time. love does exist since i am poetry and u have made me. to know me is to love me he says. and i admit to myself that he is true. the man i love is poetry and he has made me me. i love him as if he was my father, brother, husband, son because he is me and i am him
- OuT

I write of poetry as a man just to show the relation i have to it, i'm married to it. I will always see its feminine side because i'm female but for right now, my husband awaits!!